stupid is stupid does

I have done something I am to embarressed to even tell you guys, I cant not even believe what I have done, perhaps Mike was right, I am no good and cant be trusted, I need support, I know I am being cryptic but really Im so ashamed and my feelings are so conflicted, Im so loney and I know I have put myself in an awful position, I just needed human touch. and now I must deal with the fallout..

Hey

Borrowing my nieghbors computer which makes me super uncomfortable because I am always afraid they can somehow find my blog or other stuff I am working on, anyway, Iam in complete shit, S and I are going to start doing BCA's again ( Behavior chair analysis ) because I am really going down hill...my days...Coffee, Starve, gym, and then night rolls around and I B/p several times, Im in a fog, dont really remember much or what I did most days, I saw S on friday and she was like "I havent seen you this confused in a while and every time I do, it leads to you being in the hospital." I got mad and sad "no freaking way" then she pulled out the " well you are not safe right now and you are alone with your kids, you have no backup and you are falling really fast, I cant even communicate with you because you keep forgetting what you or I said." funny I can remember it now....hmmmmm but she was right, I was lost, Im falling asleep at any point and time durning the day because my body is just giving out...my mom came to watch the kids yesterday so I could workout, she arrived to find me half asleep on the couch, " I thought you would be jumping at the bit to get out of here and you are sleeping, whats wrong with you?" I ofcourse popped up threw on my workout clothes and went for a good run and some wieght training, but truth be told it was all such a n effort, I was exhausted, but the upside is I am sore since I added wieght training to the regime ...Im pretty messed up right now and see her point as to where I will be in a few bits time if I dont figure out and end this relaspe, I B/P 3xs last night, I woke up at 3am which such a dry mouth it hurt, but my throat was so raw it hurt to drink the water, my coffee has gone down easier this morning but Im shakey and well I know I need to turn things around just feeling very unable, I say everyday TODAY will be the day to do it right, but I always fail, I would feel better even if I just ate minimally without the purging, its so draining, sucks the life right out of you. I have to get my labs done monday, kinda nervous I have put it off for almost 2 weeks but my ED doctor ( how ironic is this) goes to my gym, we usually go opposite times, me in the morning and her in the evening but after T last week I went at night and guess who was behind me my WHOLE run, thats right Dr.A...I was so embarressed to be engaging in my Ed with my doctor watching SUCKS, we made small talk and I hightailed it out of there, but first she made mention that she hadnt recieved my labs...hmmmm I said "I forgot" right, I just wanted more time cause I thought I could fix my labs with a few days not purging but that hasnt happened so I guess I should just get them done...okay I know I am very scattered, I think I am heading for some hypomania, more then likely cause my pm meds get purged every night, Im shaking right now but will probablly be sleeping some time this afternoon, okay off to get ready for church.

Love to you all, thankyou so much for all your care and concern you are all such beautiful souls

love you, Tara

I am about to say screw it

not that I havent completely engrossed myself in listening to the neverending bitch voice in my head that tells me what a worthless peice of shit and a pathetic loser of a human I am, but really its right, my husband killed himself cause I fucken went off and left him ( yes he was abusive, but he fucken didnt deserve to die) I am fucken selfish bitch who should fucken suffer, I ran and starved all day yesterday and ate 2 (meals) and purged, just to rid myself of the hate, like I was pulling all the bad out of me, but its still here...the bad, the disgust, the loathing , the grief, shame, guilt...Im not numb enough, I want to drink, to take to many meds, to just make it all go away...its not just the number although that was the trigger...its the pain, and Im about to say screw it all. I wish I were dead

I am...

an ugly fat piece of ugly worthless shit, and should be shot, slain or at least punched in the face HARD!!

Yes they coherced me to get on the Wii Fit.

Someone fucking kill me now...seriously, i can not describe how completely fucking disgusted I am with myself...I HATE me...I want to die!!!

like literally want to die, I will not eat, I will run, I WILL make myself small...I will disapear...

I am full of complete despair

loathingly yours

FAT ASS

Wii Fit Plus

my kids got it for christmas ( not by me)...long story short, they love it,a nd I now have a scale in my house, I havent used it, but Im so tempted, I havent known my wieght in nearly 3 yrs, it will become an obession, and if it higher then what I think it will send me into crisis mode...they want me to play, but the repercussuions for me to be "evaluated" by that board...are they worth the damage, to my mind, I shouldnt let it tell me my worth, its like a super scale, that will verblize how fat I am, bmi, wieght, wii age, shit that will all play tricks on me, its pretty accurate, the kids were just at the doctor and it was the exact same wieght on the wii as in the doctor, dam technology, what should I do, I guess I know the answer, I just need confirmation Im not being a bad mom by not hopping on the board, they want me to, but I know it will drive me mad...deep sigh...fucking ED wrecks EVERYTHING!!!

more random pics

Please see previous post for some more random cuteness :)

Some Random xmas photos

so you know me and photos dont mix ( getting them on blogger)

lets see, I think think the first one is of Isaiah in the snow, The second is me, first thinghey x mas morning, the next one is of alyssa posing in front of the tree, then its Zack playing webkinz (on MY computer, which they always have) and the last is of the tons of xmas presents under our beautiful tree!

its been a while since I posted any pics of the kidos so enjoy!

Love, Tara

a branch fell in!

I have been doing allot of thinking lately, soul searching, trying to figure out who and what I am and will one day become....I have been left with allot of unanswered questions, Im struggeling, to put it mildly, but tonight my nieghbor ( a guy...whose married but unhappily and seems to like me, I have no interest for numerous reasons, so no worries there) but he said something to me a bit ago...they know that I have an ED and I have been running allot, they know I was running even though I severly injured my right knee, that I was in allot of pain but kept going, I lessened my running and after the 3 days I took off for christmas, my knee feels sooooo much better.

Anyway I have had a very sick little girl the last few days and have been only able to run 2xs this week, I feel aweful about it, he asked me to babysit tomorrow, and I said yes but not til after my apt and some severe makeage up of the running. He simply stated " No just run what you have been doing, your knee will act up again, you will be in a ton of pain again, its not worth it, dont listen that voice in your head that degrades you, for you my dear, the world is an oyster, stop looking, the pearl is right in front of you"

He reached out to me, he handed me a branch, he cared, something I so long for, the branch fell in, and Im going to use it to climb out of the deep, dirty hole.

Dont you just love it when the most unexpecting person hands you a branch.

Love, Tara

Proverbs31.org

I promise this is not going to turn into a blog all about God, altough he does play an intrical part in my life...I heard this question.."If the Biblewere written today, Do you think you might might be in it?"

Ofcourse, me, like many of you are thinking well Duh..NO, Im nothing special. But see thats the whole thing, God loved to put everyday, broken people into the bible...He forgave them, he healed ethier brokeness, and they went on to live very spectacular lives, some doing nothing more then being healed and raising and careing for thier familys. Some ofcourse becomeing Kings and the like, but other went on living very spectactular, ordinary lives.

We were not meant to live this life, muddeling through, praying for the day to end, wishing that we were someone else, anyone else...WE ARE WHO WE WERE MEANT TO BE. Our lives are spectacular and ordninary all at once, IF the Bible were written today, would you be in it, and how would you want your story to end??

I had for a very long time thought I must have done something very wrong in this world for my life to have taken the path that it has, that I shouldnt have to struggle they I have for all these years, but in fact I am comeing to believe that, that may not be true, God allows us all to struggle, Ofcourse the fact is when the rubber meets the road do we call on him to help through our struggles or do we try to face them alone and then become angry with him for not helping us...God does allow us to struggle, so that we might lean on him, and when asked how we struggled we can say "I struggled well"

My eating Disorder,The traumas that have occurred have ravaged my body , mind and soul, I have turned inward, questioned and even become angry at God for not healing me, for dealing me the had that I have been dealt...but...perhaps if I had asked for help, perhaps if I hadnt been so determined to destroy what he gave me, perhaps maybe if I had opened my heart and not spent all my time engrossed in the obessions that I engaged in perhaps then I could have leaned on God and then I could have said by now, I have "struggeled well"...

I know in my heart that I have a purpose for my life, for years I have spent with my head buried in the sand, not wanting to hear anything that might actually help me...2 steps forward, 3 steps back, until I had fallen so deep into the hole behind me I couldnt get up, I refused any help that might have been offered, hell I didnt even yell for help, no one could help me because I wouldnt let anyone in, I dont even think I wanted help , I was perfectly content to stay right where I was in the darkness and dirt of a deep hole, I am no longer willing to stay in that hole, I will claw my way out if I have to, but the fact remains, If I reach out my hand he (God) will take hold and help me out, it wont be easy, I will have to work, struggle, cry, get dirty and fight my way out, but I will and when I do I will be able to see all that I can and will become...

So maybe, just maybe, because I AM ordinary and broken, I would be in the Bible if it were written today, maybe not, but I am going to choose to live that I may be included in those glorious stories, and I know my ending is going to be great, because we dont struggle for futile nothingness, its all in his great plans.

NONE OF OUR STRUGGLES ARE OUR FAULT, BUT HOW LONG WE DECIEDE TO STAY STUCK IN OUR OBESSIONS, WELL THATS UP TO US.

So, my question to all of you, might you be included in the Bible...if perhaps it had been written today?

Love, Tara

Dont Give up!!!

I was listening to christian radio ( a and per usual) this morning and I heard something along thses lines.

"God never forgets you! when you are in your darkest moments, when you can not see a light at the end of your tunnel, God has not left you. He is standing by your side, your own personal cheerleader, your savior, holding your hand through the darkness. Whatever battle you are facing, when you want to give up because it feels never ending. DONT! Dont give up, there will come a day when your struggle will no longer be in the forefront of your mind, when you arent living moment to moment, when you are finally free. Fight for your freedom, know that you are never alone, and DONT EVER GIVE UP."

I so needed to hear that this morning, you can subsitute God for your higher power, or whatever your faith believes, I choose my God to my my Lord and Savior, for he will save me, from me, from all that frightens and , haunts me, because even when I want to give up on me, he never will...So I cant Give up, I need to fight, we all do, one day we will see the light at the end of the tunnel, it will be bright and glowing and leading us through the darkness...and we will be FREE!

Love, Tara

Dr.A

Saw the Ed doc today, apparently I have heart palpitaions, I was unawre of, she I guess heard them when she listened to my heart..duh..

need more blood work.

Sick of this merry go round.

I really need to get my shiz together, I mean I know I have a shit heart, it almost crapped out 2.5 yrs ago, now even though my wieght isnt low my body cant handle restricting, I will not go back to medical or residentional, so I really just need to step it up a notch, ... tonight dinner and boost, this shiz needs to stop.

My kids already lost one parent I sure as hell will not let them lose another to a mental illness.

amusing thing today, at least I thought so K, my N brought me in coupons for boost, meaning I need to drink at least 2 a day, plus dinner and 2 snacks..anyway...coupons, really, I just laughed, but I did take them cause well that shiz is expensive...oh and my mom brought me the same coupons..haha ...the universe is trying to tell me something.

Boost it up baby!

Love, Tara