My Father in law is sick, normally I would say take some asprin and call me in the morning but this is no joke he is really sick. He has cardio myopathy i have no I dea how to spell it but it basically means his heart muscle is deteroriating...at a pretty rapid pace...if the meds work he could live anywhere from 2 to 20 years 20 years GREAT!!! 2 not so good, I am very sad for M and even my MIL, whom I dont usually feel sorry for but right now she is scared, so she deserves some compassion.and prayers.
So being the selfish person that I am it brings to light my own mortality. We dont live forever and I had better get my act together or i could be next...I have three beautiful children who need thier mom and I dont want to die ( since they fixed my meds...) I want to live. Free... from this demon that forever haunts me.
A friend of mine lost a friend to her ED. SHe was found dead over her toilet. A shit ass way to die if you ak me, that could have been me many a times over. Her dad found her. It could have easily been my children that found me.
I take all this mortality very seriously. I need to live for my family, they need me and I cant go before my time due to me engageing with my ED. I have no choice to recover and be strong because if some thing were to happen to my FIL I need to be strong and nourished to help my family through what would be a devastating loss. He is the patriarch of the family. Strong willed and tough...someone you dont expect to get sick...he s to tough for that or so we thought...keep him in your prayers guys...keep us all in your prayers.
Oh and I dont know if there was a mix up or something but I dont leave for camp til this thursday...I will definately update when i get back cause I CANT WAIT til we get out of here...yeah for nature...I will soak it up and breath it in because that my friends is real. Back to nature sounds real good and so does the not having a mirror to body check in. I am hopeing this will be a ED free vacation. i am leaving ED at home!!!!
oh and one more thing my step son graduated from high school...way to make me feel old....
Love Z
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Thursday, June 25, 2009
stepping up and stepping down!!
well thats where i am right now I am committed to beating this thing( the demon), but well its just so hard...I am committed to not exercising except for my yoga which is what i am allowed to do...I feel like I am headed down the right path, for the first time in a long time I have some hope. I am stepping up to the plate and committed to owning this demon that has had so much control over me the last 14 years...
So lets see I have spent 10 days IP
2 weeks at PHP and guess what I am moving to IOP next week and I am going camping a week from today..holy moly I am so excited..I just love to go camping the smell of the out doors...the smell of the fire...the food ...ekkkk....but K and I planned my meals last night for the four day excursion in to the great wild wilderness with our three little monsters. No just kidding they love to go camping it should be a blast!!!
So what else is going on?? hmmmmm lets see...My mom and I have been getting along pretty well she has been helping me with the kids at night so I can get some cleaning down cause my house is in complete disaray from all the time I spent with my ED...Ed really steals away your time , your life, and your future...I am really thinking I might make it this time...but I am under no illusion that this wont be hard, hard as hell really, maybe worse then childbirth:)
Mike is exhausted from working til the wee hours of the morning and then watching the kids all day but he only has a few days left where he has to be super dad...I will be back on the boat soon enough,
Zack has his appointment with the pulmernary specialist today for his asthma..i am a little, I hope everything turns out alright..pray for him guys, pray for us all...I promise I will have a more exciting post soon but things have been out of sorts here and my thinking is a little blurred ( new meds)...be back soon my peeps
love, Z
So lets see I have spent 10 days IP
2 weeks at PHP and guess what I am moving to IOP next week and I am going camping a week from today..holy moly I am so excited..I just love to go camping the smell of the out doors...the smell of the fire...the food ...ekkkk....but K and I planned my meals last night for the four day excursion in to the great wild wilderness with our three little monsters. No just kidding they love to go camping it should be a blast!!!
So what else is going on?? hmmmmm lets see...My mom and I have been getting along pretty well she has been helping me with the kids at night so I can get some cleaning down cause my house is in complete disaray from all the time I spent with my ED...Ed really steals away your time , your life, and your future...I am really thinking I might make it this time...but I am under no illusion that this wont be hard, hard as hell really, maybe worse then childbirth:)
Mike is exhausted from working til the wee hours of the morning and then watching the kids all day but he only has a few days left where he has to be super dad...I will be back on the boat soon enough,
Zack has his appointment with the pulmernary specialist today for his asthma..i am a little, I hope everything turns out alright..pray for him guys, pray for us all...I promise I will have a more exciting post soon but things have been out of sorts here and my thinking is a little blurred ( new meds)...be back soon my peeps
love, Z
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Dont touch the tiger
I was talking to K the other day complaining cause I am on exercise retriction (AGAIN) and I was whinning on how unfair it is and it feel like I am being punished and my usual whoa as me victim role.... and she says you know what " do you want to go to the Zoo?"...
"what?" I asked kinda like where is she going with this one you know?
so she repeated herself and added "lets go see the tigers!"
okay so I am trying to follow her and this i swhat she said" The tigers are so beautiful, and magestic from afar, and from a DISTANCE they cant hurt you, why because you are just looking at them"...but she says suppose you say to me lets climb over the fence and get closer to the tiger...its so pretty i just want to touch it...well the danger starts to increase and addrenilin starts to increase, you heart starts to beat faster and your body know danger is coming, but you are still okay cause you arent close enough to the tiger yet, so you still feel safe and you want to get closer to the tiger, you deciede you want to TOUCH the tiger, after all its been fine up until now. ANd then you reach up and try to touch the tiger but it lets out a mighty roar and bites you....right in the ASS!
So running is like a tiger, its nice to watch and its beautiful and strong from a distance...you may even get a false sense of security because it seems so innocent and harmless and hasnt hurt you yet...but sooner or later that exercise is going to bite my ass off...and that my friend sis what I have to remember and focus on.
Runnning is like the tiger!! It will always trick me into thinking it is harmless but in the end it will definately eat me alive...
Is this hard to accept you bet, Am I in complete denial... not so much...I know how harmful running is for me, that it is teh catalyst for my eating disorder, do I want that fact to change....oh yeah baby...but will it...well not any time in the forseeable future...so what must I accept...teh yoga is as far as it goes for me, Im mean how obbessed with deep breathing and stretching can one become? Well that is a silly question I suppose with my personality it could be very addicting ...I just cant let it be I need to gain some control over this disorder!!!
So PHP is going pretty well, they are working with me on some of the borderline and bipolar stuff I have going on as well as working on the ED, I am learning allot of DBT skills by the great Marsha Linihan! Actually A my T up at the hospital trained with her so I guess she know s her stuff...
any who I wont be touching a tigers any time soon...for fear of losing my ass, or insert (life)here.
love, Z
"what?" I asked kinda like where is she going with this one you know?
so she repeated herself and added "lets go see the tigers!"
okay so I am trying to follow her and this i swhat she said" The tigers are so beautiful, and magestic from afar, and from a DISTANCE they cant hurt you, why because you are just looking at them"...but she says suppose you say to me lets climb over the fence and get closer to the tiger...its so pretty i just want to touch it...well the danger starts to increase and addrenilin starts to increase, you heart starts to beat faster and your body know danger is coming, but you are still okay cause you arent close enough to the tiger yet, so you still feel safe and you want to get closer to the tiger, you deciede you want to TOUCH the tiger, after all its been fine up until now. ANd then you reach up and try to touch the tiger but it lets out a mighty roar and bites you....right in the ASS!
So running is like a tiger, its nice to watch and its beautiful and strong from a distance...you may even get a false sense of security because it seems so innocent and harmless and hasnt hurt you yet...but sooner or later that exercise is going to bite my ass off...and that my friend sis what I have to remember and focus on.
Runnning is like the tiger!! It will always trick me into thinking it is harmless but in the end it will definately eat me alive...
Is this hard to accept you bet, Am I in complete denial... not so much...I know how harmful running is for me, that it is teh catalyst for my eating disorder, do I want that fact to change....oh yeah baby...but will it...well not any time in the forseeable future...so what must I accept...teh yoga is as far as it goes for me, Im mean how obbessed with deep breathing and stretching can one become? Well that is a silly question I suppose with my personality it could be very addicting ...I just cant let it be I need to gain some control over this disorder!!!
So PHP is going pretty well, they are working with me on some of the borderline and bipolar stuff I have going on as well as working on the ED, I am learning allot of DBT skills by the great Marsha Linihan! Actually A my T up at the hospital trained with her so I guess she know s her stuff...
any who I wont be touching a tigers any time soon...for fear of losing my ass, or insert (life)here.
love, Z
Thursday, June 18, 2009
update...a little
well I am missing PHP today casue Alyssa graduates Kindergarden!!! whoop whoop!!!!, My babys going into first grade..OMG I am so old!:)
Its been a rough go since I was released from IP I have had some slips and have been filling out BCAs like they are going out of style:(
I am desperate to lose the wieght I gained while IP but instead of restricting I ahve turned to B/P its ridiculous...but I am really useing my voice in groups...I mean like I am takeing in a lot of DBT info and trying to put it to use. I am on exercise restriction which sucks major balls but I am trying to own like I am committed to not exercising to save my body, mind and soul...I am working on nuturing myself i am getting really into yoga..( the only exercise I am allowed)...it really seems to center me...guess it works you know.
Lisa, thankyou so much for the card it really made my day to get it...you are so sweet, you all are ...
I need to stay focused on recovery and start really getting to the core issues, I may not blog as often but know I am thinking of you all...I really need to focus on getting my family straightened out...we are falling apart ..and that needs to be my first priority.
Love, Z
Its been a rough go since I was released from IP I have had some slips and have been filling out BCAs like they are going out of style:(
I am desperate to lose the wieght I gained while IP but instead of restricting I ahve turned to B/P its ridiculous...but I am really useing my voice in groups...I mean like I am takeing in a lot of DBT info and trying to put it to use. I am on exercise restriction which sucks major balls but I am trying to own like I am committed to not exercising to save my body, mind and soul...I am working on nuturing myself i am getting really into yoga..( the only exercise I am allowed)...it really seems to center me...guess it works you know.
Lisa, thankyou so much for the card it really made my day to get it...you are so sweet, you all are ...
I need to stay focused on recovery and start really getting to the core issues, I may not blog as often but know I am thinking of you all...I really need to focus on getting my family straightened out...we are falling apart ..and that needs to be my first priority.
Love, Z
Sunday, June 14, 2009
treatment and other musings
So I was admitted wenesday and discharged from IP on the next friday...let me tell you I did not have a good time refeeding consisted off 7 pounds of fluid shifting which make me look and feel like a pig fat cow....I start PHP on monday. 9-4 every day til my insurance gives out...so we will se how that lasts.
My first night there I got stuck with a meatloaf dinner:(
I gagged through but I did it!!! and thus begam my journey of learning how to eat again I wont lie to you , at first I had decieded to be a non complient patient...but I realized that it would get me no where except with a tube stuffed up my nose..my attitude quickly changed, well maybe not my attitude but my behaviors... I was on 24 hour bathroom awareness for the first 48 hous which sucked royally cause that mean I have to have a staff member around every single time I had to pee lets just say it was gobs of fun.
I wasnt allowed to go on the walks again I was pissed off the thought were if I cant get the prilages why should I bother eating...but that was an ED thought not a rational one so I trudged foward one moment at a time doing what I needed to do to get in the right mindset to do PHP...cause man alive I wanted out...
they added some meds and my mood became more stable (which is good cause I was on the verge sveral times...
We had a family meeting with my mom where we talked about boundries and my mom crossing over teh line a bit as far as my children and every thing else in my life goes. I was scared as hell but my T up there was great and she helped to mediate teh entire situation which turned a little hostle at times.
I was released just in time to see Zack man graduate preschool which freaking awsome...so cute and funny I will post pics later...
The kids were glad to have me back and I am glad to be back, I need them and I need to get better, I wont lie the thoughts are still there and very strong but I am following the program and doing what I need to do to get better.
I am scared as hell to let this ED go but I will cause man I do love my kids and they deserve a better life tehn what I am giving them, I realize now that killing myself would cause them more heartache and they have really had enough crap in thier lives...they deserve better and I am starting think maybe I do to...
slowly i am comeing around...slowly
Love, Z
My first night there I got stuck with a meatloaf dinner:(
I gagged through but I did it!!! and thus begam my journey of learning how to eat again I wont lie to you , at first I had decieded to be a non complient patient...but I realized that it would get me no where except with a tube stuffed up my nose..my attitude quickly changed, well maybe not my attitude but my behaviors... I was on 24 hour bathroom awareness for the first 48 hous which sucked royally cause that mean I have to have a staff member around every single time I had to pee lets just say it was gobs of fun.
I wasnt allowed to go on the walks again I was pissed off the thought were if I cant get the prilages why should I bother eating...but that was an ED thought not a rational one so I trudged foward one moment at a time doing what I needed to do to get in the right mindset to do PHP...cause man alive I wanted out...
they added some meds and my mood became more stable (which is good cause I was on the verge sveral times...
We had a family meeting with my mom where we talked about boundries and my mom crossing over teh line a bit as far as my children and every thing else in my life goes. I was scared as hell but my T up there was great and she helped to mediate teh entire situation which turned a little hostle at times.
I was released just in time to see Zack man graduate preschool which freaking awsome...so cute and funny I will post pics later...
The kids were glad to have me back and I am glad to be back, I need them and I need to get better, I wont lie the thoughts are still there and very strong but I am following the program and doing what I need to do to get better.
I am scared as hell to let this ED go but I will cause man I do love my kids and they deserve a better life tehn what I am giving them, I realize now that killing myself would cause them more heartache and they have really had enough crap in thier lives...they deserve better and I am starting think maybe I do to...
slowly i am comeing around...slowly
Love, Z
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Well Ip it is!
i am going to the physc ward..its not a bad place really they have a pretty good Ed program and i love the N there so it should be okay...hopefully it will be for a very short term and then I can transfer to day tx...I nede to be home for my family...My EKG came back okay so now we are just waiting on labs...I guess I will be in by tonight... Pray for me and my family guys especially my hubby he is very stressed...
Love, Z
Love, Z
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