Sunday, March 6, 2011

catch 22

I want out
but It seems that I have so much to live for
I dont to go IP
but I would like the safety it provides...from myself
Im exhausted....but...cant sleep
I spend my days betweens mania and depression...rapid cycling
hell I think
Its all a catch 22 because if I die I wont know if there is more for me out there
but if I live its all such pain and work
Im so tired
I wish I could just die for a while then come back when I am ready to fight
but it doesnt work that way
its a catch 22
and I am undecieded as to which way I want to go
I am a mom
but if I wasnt
I would just take the out
because really
the misery
out wieghs
the joy
for now I will go on
day to day
doing my job
praying for old age
when death is acceptable
its going to be a long life
and Im already so tired
what happened
last week I was excited to live
now
I dont want to

10 comments:

flaweddesign said...

took the words right out of my mouth about wanting to die and come back when you're ready to fight. i don't know what's ahead for either of us but we're still here for some reason. if we weren't meant to be we'd be dead. if i didn't have a family i truly cared about i would take the easy way out too. this is really hard to fight through. i defintely thing you need an IP program to protect you from yourself as you start your healing process. maybe partial after a while but full IP would be safest i think.

belinda said...

i hear you, fucken hell, you know i do, you know i feel it... waiting for the days to come to an end or something like that???

i heavily suggest IP
what are S, K, the pdoc, your mum, the sisters... what are they saying?
you need a break hon, this past 12mths has been hell.

please allow yourself some of the safety and protection you would want for me (and encouraged me to take in.. look where i am... and it took OUR chat for me to call my pdoc to accept IP)

i'm not saying IP fixes stuff
we know it doesn't
but it gives you that respite
you need it hon

what is stopping you??

belinda said...

i hear you, fucken hell, you know i do, you know i feel it... waiting for the days to come to an end or something like that???

i heavily suggest IP
what are S, K, the pdoc, your mum, the sisters... what are they saying?
you need a break hon, this past 12mths has been hell.

please allow yourself some of the safety and protection you would want for me (and encouraged me to take in.. look where i am... and it took OUR chat for me to call my pdoc to accept IP)

i'm not saying IP fixes stuff
we know it doesn't
but it gives you that respite
you need it hon

what is stopping you??

belinda said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
belinda said...

stop ignoring me
i know you have your computer back
(ps, loving the new page layout/colour/design etc)

what is stopping you from IP?
(and dont say the kids because i know mum would/could look after them if she can mind them if you come and visit me in october)

love you,
your hardarse buddy.
Xx

battleinmind said...

I don't really know what to say hunny, but pass on something my counsellor once said to me, "Suicide is an option, but it's a very final option, there is no undoing suicide, there is no second chance." I hope you can find another option hun, because there are people that care for you, I would really consider IP hunny.


Really sorry if that sounded patronising, it didn't mean to sound it.

xxx

Zena said...

Im safe, my girl has made me safe...Im following through on promises....breathing deeply...and relishing on how much I am loved...you are all so special to me...I will update soon, but know that true to my word, if I still feel this way in 9 days I will be ip....fingers crossed...I feel well, but there is no shame in accepting help...lesson learned...and accepted

belinda said...

when is mum coming to stay?
i'm glad that you are holding on to your promise :)

stay strong my little lioness.

x

Zena said...

well...unfortunately my mother is a kind soul who unknown to me took in a 19 yr old teen mom to live with her sunday night, so she cant sleep here...she is however going to be staying here in the evenings to help with the kids and day to day stuff to ease some of the burden...and carin, the girl my mom took in is going to help me a couple days durning the week (day time) just to be here keep me company and I inturn will bring her to work on somedays....she has a beautiful little 1 yr old, who I will get to see and play with and that always makes me happy, I LOVE babies, I was a little disappointed that my mom couldnt sleep here, but I do feel confident that between her, Carin and my tx team, I will be in good company and be able to pull through..(Carin has struggled with depression as well and sees someone, so she gets it) it wasnt the original plan but it is a plan, and plans make me feel safe...

love Tara

belinda said...

it's not ideal BUT it is in place and i am glad. your mum sounds like an amazing woman. that must be where YOU get it from! ;)

8 days hon.
we will keep talking about this though.
big love.
x