Bloggers Block/Fuck Faces

There are words swirling around in my head, tons and tons of words, but when I go to put them "down" they get stuck, stuck in my head, just swirling around with no where to go but to drive me mad! Im am going to try to get it out at least some of it, I am going to try to break it down:

The x in laws:

March first, I texted them that we were having a small family party for Alyssa's 8th birthday and invited them to come....Backdrop...Alyssa didnt have a friend party because they told her they wouldnt come to it, she deceided on a family party, in hopes they would attend at least that...so I text them, inviting them to the party, they respond, "we will be unable to attend, we will take her and give her, her present a different day"...Alyssa was devastated, she was crying and wanted to speak with them, so she called, they informed her "they had something else to do", I text them back, what is wrong with you, why wont you come to alyssas birthday party, again they text back with the something else to do BS, I was pissed at this point because really if you cant change your plans ( which now that I see the whole picture there were no other plans) for your 8 yr oldf grand daughters birthday then you are a fuck face and should be slapped, Alyysa is sobbing and really upset this whole time, which really fueled my intense anger, I texted them back you are selfish and clearly have other reasons, but "if you change your mind your mind you are still welcome"....no response, alyssa is devastated, she calls they upset her AGAIN, I get on the phone yelling (in my room ) what is wrong with you, you are her last connection to her father and you cant be there for her, taking her out a different day isnt good enough, its not what she wants...Big Dilhole interupts and says ( heres where I lose my shiz) "well YOU must understand we BLAME YOU for Michaels death, and WE dont want to be around YOU" I lost It, was swearing, tried to say my piece and they hung up...I was shaking and crying and convulsing all because I INVITED them to MY daughters Birthday. I eventually pull it together and text the fuck faces and tell them " obviously you cant put aside, YOUR feelings for what is in alyssas best interest, you are selfish and no longer allowed to see my children." MInd you I was flipping pissed, hurt, fustrated, scared, shamed, guilt ridden, angry, you name I was feeling it, BUT even with what they said to me, I ofcourse know what is best for my children is to HAVE a relationship with thier grandparents (even though it has for the last yr been a sporadic and superficial one)....they never text me back they say thats not fair, they dont fight me on it, which just fuels my assumption, that the kids are not that important to them and I am a murderer. Fast foward to March 10th, my daughters birthday, I hear from them in a certified letter sent from family court, yes they took me to court and had the summons delivered on my daughters birthday, they are suing me for visitation. This all in my oppinion could have been worked out if they had communicated with me but thats not how these passive aggressive fuck faces work, they said awful things about me in their petition, namely I have anorexia/bulimia/bipolar, and they need to be awarded visitation " to ensure their grandchildrens safety and well being" lets just be honost here...they dont even know who their teachers are, their doctors, ANYTHING that happens in their daily life, they know NOTHING and Help NONE, they pick them up take them some where to play for an hour, get them dinner and bring them home every other week at the most,made me they lied in the petition, they made me out to be crazy and they called me a murderer!

Yes I am pissed.

I have court at 9 am on friday, My sister is an attorney so she is taking care of thing, I have the kids doctor involved and most likely nothing will take place on fri, it will be ajorned unless they agree to my terms which cause they are fucks will probably just fuck me around for a while, still my anxiety is through the bloody roof, Im a hot mess on the inside, but Im trying ( successfully) not to let it pour through onto my children, I dont speak poorly on their grandparents, I dont talk about them at all and either do they, they havent seen them in over a month and they dont seem to care, but what eves I have to deal with this, one more bloody thing, plus the whole you killed him thing....been working for over a yr to rid myself of the "what ifs" and all the guilt that goes along with it and they actually believe that its my fault....which led to the not sleeping for days and the "over dose"....

I will continue this post, later on, I think its gonna take some time to continue with this, and my darlings need to get ready, we have a pine wood derby race for Zacks Boy Scouts...think mini cars, mini race track, lots of little boys...he had to help make the car so hes pretty excited...


okay lovelies, til later

Tara

goes to show you

I had forgotten or didnt realize that I had been posting all the drama that had unfolded since the beginning of march...I just went to read what I had posted lately and saw that I was writing during that time, not that understandable, but still I was there...I dont remember it though, it kinda all seems like it was a dream...

Goes to show you just how fucked in the head I was...

and

today

I have done nothing but play video games with Isaiah, watch him play some imaginary game with star wars, watched Dora the explorer, and oh yeah, catch up on like a zillion blogs, I read allot, didnt comment much but read allot...

Im feeling a bit confused today, not sure why, keep thinking about his parents and court and its throwing my anxiety into a tizzy..

blurgggggg


smoke then shower

we ALL have therapy today!!!

much love

Im Home

seeing a little more clearly..

Dealing with horrific nightmares, due to no longer self medicating, and things once again resurfacing ( OH JOY)

Im home, thank god

back to trying to make things okay

It was a much needed break .... learning how to self care again was very important...Im trying...

Im trying, flat this morning...

but much better then I was

Tired I think

Drinking coffee with no splenda

I will post a real post soon...

just wanted to let everyone know Im going to be okay, and yes I am home

oh and 10 days no smokes

almost


KILLED ME

:) :) :)


Love, Tara

Hospital

Im going Ip friday

for trauma, suicidal thoughts and attempts and detox and a med staightout all much needed

thats all

just thought Id let you all know I gave in

let go of my pride

and decieded my kids deserve a mother who isnt trying to off herself at every turn...

no computer

no phone

no smokes

I hope I am heavily medicated

or it just might make me crazier

okay

peace out

try to update tomorrow on real feelings

right now

not sure how I feel

catch 22

I want out
but It seems that I have so much to live for
I dont to go IP
but I would like the safety it provides...from myself
Im exhausted....but...cant sleep
I spend my days betweens mania and depression...rapid cycling
hell I think
Its all a catch 22 because if I die I wont know if there is more for me out there
but if I live its all such pain and work
Im so tired
I wish I could just die for a while then come back when I am ready to fight
but it doesnt work that way
its a catch 22
and I am undecieded as to which way I want to go
I am a mom
but if I wasnt
I would just take the out
because really
the misery
out wieghs
the joy
for now I will go on
day to day
doing my job
praying for old age
when death is acceptable
its going to be a long life
and Im already so tired
what happened
last week I was excited to live
now
I dont want to

Im debateing

whether or not to go IP/PHP something for addiction, trauma depression and suicidal thoughts....I hate the hospital, but living this life....full of pain, fear and anxiety, numbed by voodka, somehow doesnt seem right..

first though I will have to get thin...

because as you know no one is worth help unless they look like a victim of famine

I have thought about cutting...but thats an addiction too...better not to start something that could just end it, as I seem to take every thing to far....


MENTAL ILLNESS SUCKS

I want more

...the "suicide attempt" has left me well feeling...well sad, that it didnt kill me or put me to sleep, that I would have to take so much more to snuff my being from this world and I will most never get the chance with pills again...its also left me feeling manic, like I am invincable nothing can touch me I am a super power, who can take 36 clonipin...nearly a liter of voodka and some other odds and ends pills and still be standing...me thats who. blurgggg. I have the bestest friend ever who gives my heart a reason to live to hope and to soar...I dream of kangeroos, of holding her and watching the waves crash...but thats 7 months away, so I breath and hold tight and try to believe I will be okay.

Rey didnt go to work last night, my mom took my kids and he stayed the night we made love for hours and I fell asleep in in his arms...I slept for 3 hours, safe from the world and close to another warm body...

I want more


whether it be connection...death...or sleep...its all so romantic...love...death...peace

whatever it is I want more

The last few days...

have been a pathetic mess...to the point where I was almost certified this afternoon, I was flabbergasted but it almost happened..

you see monday night my inlaws point blank on the telephone...said..."well you must understand we think you killed our son"

yuppp yep after a yr of working to rid those feeling of guilt, shame, pain, anguish and quilt I allowed then to take away all I had learned and come to believe, in a matter in seconds...long story short I hadnt slept since sunday...still thurday night and no sleep yet///between yesterday and the 12 hours earlier...36 hrs I took 30 something clonipin..apparently that is a suicide attemp...add that to a bout a little over a liter of voodka and in that time, I almost died ...so they say....

I cant even talk right now about how much I am hurting


right now I just want to take the 15 I have stashed for emergency purposes:(


if you pay pray for me...my kids are at thier grandmas...I have a bottle of voodka..pills prescribed and not...not so much to die...just t o quiet the noise