You Cant

So I saw S last night and taht sucked I sobbed my way through the whole session, on how much this Ed steal s from me, it takes everything I enjoy everything that I live for it takes my life and I just sobbed and sobbed and she was glad I was getting it out. I compared the Ed to a snake that slithers around me til its grip is so tight I cant break free...good comparison she said...what will help you break free...I dont know I sobbed, but please dont take this away from me its all i have to keep sane. Sorry she said you cant!!!

YOU CANT. It stung my ears like a piercing cold, what cant I do you ask well I cant exercise...its not fair and it make me so sad and I cant really stop crying about it...but I am to compulsive, the walking turned to running rather quickly ( runnings not allowed cause of me heart) and she said my compulsivity returned with a vengence..

SO my 2 week trial of exercise is over and its not fair I tell you, its just not fair.

honestly I dont know what she will do if I ignore her request and do it anyway..will she fire me, is that a risk I am willing to take? I dont know I will have to think about...It kinda sickens me at the thought of not having S anymore, so I will most likely abide by her rules but it SUCKS I TELL YOU...IT SUCKS the BIG one.

My face is still swollen from all the teras I shed last night...she let me go out the back door as I was to embarressed to go ut the front.

Im really glad you came in she said...yeah me too I said, you dont have to say that she said...okay then, I said I wish i hadnt.

she laughed and said it would be okay, we would work it out and I wasnt alone in this, I just need to trust her...we wished each other Happy thanksgiving and I left, only to sit in my car and cry...ad I went to the gym any way..

In other news A is sick with a bad cold, coughing her little lungs out..and whinnnning oh so much, if I here the word MOMMY one more time I just may change my name ... maybe to asshole or something, something I would forbid her to say so she could nt call me 24-7...oh well she s sick and such is the life of a mom with a sick kido.

I have much to do today folks...I have yet to go food shopping for the wonderful feast ( I hate the word feast) we shall me having tomorrow, I have a TON of cooking to do and I am not eating or fasting again today..playing with the food should be fun times back to ols AN times of making it but not partaking in it...tomorrow I will have some soup and turkey and thats it...maybe M will let me go for a walk...maybe...

WELL Happy THANKSGIVING Friends....dont choke on your turkey legs...pull the wish bone and may all your wishes come true>

Love, Z

hmmmm fasting

seems like a good idea in my head, so what does that tell you...that it s most likely a BAD idea...but it sounds good, I know it would feel good, to be empty...Ill do liquids only...hmmmmm, thoughts

anyway I have allot to do today take A to a birthday party at chuck E cheeses, go to the gym, clean my house, go to game night at a friend from churchs house...busy busy busy..perfect time for fasting, but I guess that wouldnt be very Recovery humho...any way didnt purge yesterday so thats a good thing...and I ran a little durning my walk and that felt good too...Im a little sore today yeah!!!

not much to say

gotta get the kidddos in the tub

love, Z

Im a failure

a flop

a dissapointment

a jackass

cant wait to tell S what a piece of shit I am

And to top it off I am still a cow

good grief

when will this madness end

why I ask

I cleaned and slept and purged today what a life what a freaking life

I need some serious help

where is S when I need her....

* I am a sad mess because I am so fat and I am useing behaviors and I am well getting sick AGAIN. how long can this go on I am going to be 29 next thursday yes...Thanksgiving..I think god is having a laugh at my expense...hahahaha, and I have had an Ed of some form or another since I was 15..this is getting a little old, really old actually.

*M is getting really worried AGAIN...and I dont know how to stop this mess, I dont want M to be worried, really I dont so I want to hide it and we all know how eds breed in secrecy....ugh what to do?

* Im to tired to do much of anything although I am allowed to work out 4 x s a week and I am taking full advantage of it...Im to tired to even type this really sucks

love, Z

day 2

day 2 of the food journal...ummm...thingy

so far so good only puked once yesterday and it was only a little I stopped mid purge and said PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOU R ASS!!! or bowl and I did! yeah me!!

So I saw S today and that was good we talked about the food journal trial shes worried it could lead to restricting hmmmmmm yep it could as I am hungry now but I am not to eta til dinner so I get a few hours of being hungry which must mean I am burning something...hmpth..

i asked if I could have my treadmill back

NOPE

before I could even get out the words NOPE was spoken, actually she laughed at me...yes I can see how it could be funny S yes hahahahaha

I wanna lose wieght I hope this food journal thing can help with that I have gained so much since tx discharge...its gross...so gross

Hospital was mentioned

WTF

we set up a date for M to come in and she made the comment last time we set up an appointment for you 2 we had to cancel cause you went into the hospital...well not this time i said....knock on wood she said...you need to get it together or thats where we are headed

NOT ME not this girl I am to fat for IP again no no no

besides my kids need me and I am getting all involved in thier school stuff how would it look if I had to go to hospital AGAIN....the fourth time this yr ugh I dont think so man, I can stop this purging I can I swear.

good thing is I am allowed to walk 4 days a week for 45 min....as long as i dont get OBSESSIVE okay so i wont..easy enough yeah right...

okay i gotta run

Sarah, if you read this sorry i missed your call i fell asleep...ill try to call you soon...miss you

love Z

food journals

So I am keeping a food journal for a week, well see how it goes I have to write about my hunger levels...whether or not I purged for the day and if so how many times..and ofcourse all binging must be reported...i m embarressed...I m afraid if I have to write down everything I eat i will restrict but that s better then purging, S talked to K and I am not allowed to do hour long walks any more ...only forty five min. which sucks but Ill take what I can get I know what its like to not be able to exercise at all.

I just had my first food journal meal and i am doing evrything in my power to keep it down...ugh...blogging helps

happy thoughts....

thanksgiving is next week last night my friend Alexis came over and we planned the menu...( our parents have passed the job on to us) ..Zack and Alyssa helped with the planning and if we go by Zs menu then we will be having tacos for thanksgiving..lol..

that kid cracks me up...but he is having trouble listening in school I think its cause hes not sleeping at night but who knows hes been pretty bold in school...he spit in another boys face and then they tackeled each other, great my kids a scrapper!

I am the helper parent for As classroom party for thanksgiving...yeah another food thing, I swear the world is not set up for chics with Eds...hahahaha

then in Zs class I have to be there early on monday cause they are having a party and of course thats another food thing...geez...

I am starting to feel like purging less I think I will keep writting, hmmmm what to write about well i am making like a million things for thanksgiving Iwill be cooking like the entire 2 days before hand...can we say trigger...

on a less happy note it will also be the 1 yr anniversery of my grandfathers death, and te hnext day the 28th will be mine and my grandmothers birthday, it really sucks cause although she will not be alone she wont have any close family with her on the aniversery of his death, they were together 60 odd yearsand I will be a bloody 29 yrs old another yr with Ed geez its getting a little old you know...

alright I need to go fill out my food journal

okay NO PURGING TODAY folks

wish me luck

Love, Z

nothing

I have nothing all day

except sleep and lay around, Im so lazy and fat

I cant stand myself

I am now on bathroom watch as M now nows about the purging so I cant pee alone til 30min after I eat...ugh I guess its a good thing..

i have to meet my father for some free diapers after church tomorrow and for those of you who know the father crap well it should be fun ( sarcasim)

we have a church social after church tomorrow and I have made cranberry orange bread...I dont want to go as its a food thing but fuck it I might as well go and make a fool out of myself.

i just tried to pee and he locked the door

unbelievable

OMG

this is what my life has come to

I am remuda all over again

Zena

spoke to soon

OMG I have purging all day, HELP!!

EVERYTHING!!!

okay okay lets dissect

Why did this happen today after 2 good days what was the trigger...well Fuck if I knew I would nt have been in this position.

I am so sick of living like this SO sick of it and to top it off I am a fat piggy...no really I have gained like 20 pounds since Remuda...So thats 30 lbs since May WTF..

I need some serious brain overhauling

all is well or as well as could be in the land of the kiddies and the H is being good so what gives

I am about to quit

really folks

just about to give up

Z

looking up

so my friends things are starting to look up..I started exercising again ( this is a trial week to see if I get compulsive) I am allowed to walk 45 min 5 days a week...well 4 days and a dvd of yoga or pilates the 5th day, anyway I am excited, I am eating pretty well and am down to purging like once every other day, so that s good.


i had a good session with S today, we talked allot about balance and normal eating and exercise, how to be "normal" or "average" on my take to life. Even with my cleaning and blogging its like all or nothing like I cleaned my whole house today (yeah for a clean house) but its like once I started I had to finish thats where the compulsiveness comes into play and its like that with the blogging I either blog every day or I do once a week I cant seem to find balance in my life, thats what I am striving for a healthy balance.

I have been up and moving for a while now ( its 1:30pm) and I am afraid of eating again before my schedualed time so I want to take a nap..I hope M lets me hes home today, right now he is napping with the baby so i do think it should be a problem, I should be allowed to nap too, RIGHT?

anyway back to S, i really just adore her we were talking about dinner cause I have to go to dinner tonight with Ms family and she was getting all excited talking about all teh things she likes to eat and all the things she enjoys, it was funny to hear her talk like that, i mean she thin and she exercises but she eat whatever she wants and I think thats just great like she is able to be a perfect example of what balanced is, she was explaining that if once eats to much for lunch then they just have a smaller dinner they dont purge! Really i thought to myself you mean that you just stay really full and it goes away..so I said it out loud and she was like yes! and I even get hungry again later..funny how our bodies work, they actually want and NEED food...yes, funny I said.

We talked about thanksgiving and how I need to balance the day and I am goign to follow Ks plan so all should be well, yes I think i am going to be okay..slowly I am coming into my own understanding of what its like to be non Eded...slowly..although I still want to lose wieght I just want to be healthy too

Love, Zena

I told myself

if I ever wieghed this much again I would kill myself...well i should be dead i wiegh more then I did when I was pregnant. Of course I was in tx then but who cares I have turned fat I am talking top of wieght for hieght FAT!!

Z