Stability?? and some other musings

Since removing the Lexapro on saturday my mood since monday has been well relatively stable...I feel okay, I think, I feel like I am waiting for the bottom to fall out...I have been very between the kids and school, keeping the house up, the gym, homework, appointments for ALL of us.....just general life. I didnt have school today and my day went like this up at 6 (thats sleeping in) get kids ready, make them breakfast, calm zack down from a panic attack, gym, shower, 4 yes 4 loads of laundry washed dried and put away, cleaned my car, grocery shopped, put everything away, cleaned the floors, studied, picked up kids, back to target to pick up scripts and do a little shopping (rain boots for the kids and a sweatshirt for me) make the kids dinner, help them with thier homework, give baths, make their lunches, watch tv with kids for half hour.....an hour ago I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open, but I must have gotten a second wind, blahhhh, I need to get up at 4 to study as I have several tests tomorrow and got to wrapped up in daily living things to study enough today....

Mike has been weighing heavily on me, I am grappling with the "how could he possiably be dead?" question, it seems unreal, some days it feel like a life time ago he was here, and some days it feel like hours, it all still haunts me and the more I am going through school and knowing I will actually have a career the more it piles on  me that he is not here,and would I have actually done this if he were still here...would I have had the motivation?? I mean it was something I always wanted to do but never did...why did I wait???  I bet hes angry with me, for just having been such a lazy bitch while he was alive, only caring about my disease, and the kids, I wasnt nice enough to him, I sure as hell didnt save him, I was a lousy wife, he wasnt a great husband but  maybe if I had been better he would have tried harder to quit drinking...and I still come back to almost three and a half yrs ago I just about died, so how in this world am I the one who is still here, my heart nearly quit, I was laid in a bed with a tube shoved down my nose cause even with my heart rate at 22 and my QTC line so prolonged that I could have went into cardiac arrest at any minute I still refused food....and yet I am the one still here, doing fairly well considering it all...It all just drags at me, I still cry allot, well some weeks allot and some not at all....is this the healing process...I dont know some days it just feels like hell and some days I actually think I will make it...ofcourse, I have great guilt in actually thinking that I WILL make it....I suppose though I need to get over it because at shit as it makes me feel I am the only one left to raise our babies and that needs to be done, so I guess Im here at least another 14 yrs, most likely longer as it would still be traumatic for an 18 yr old boy to lose his mom....

dont know, Im not suicidal, I just think about death allot...and the fact that it WILL all end at some point, it could be tomorrow, but it could also be 50 or 60 years from now, I suppose I should gear up for the latter no matter how daunting that seems...I just noticed something...Im actually thinking and preparing for the future....I havent thought about anything but making it through the day...minutes....until just recently....maybe there is hope for me yet???

just maybe...

Love, Tara

its official

I have been dx Bipolar type 1 and I am devastated...I saw pdoc tonight and she wasnt shocked at my feeling about the dx, shes relieved and hopes that with removing the anti depressent and keeping the two mood stabilizers and anti anxiety on board I will stabilize....I have this heightened awareness, and a curiosity for so many things...we were talking and i was reading this HUGE book she has on herbal medication (there are thousands and thousands) she let me take it home and said i could read it til my heart was content and bring it back when i felt I had read or learned enough from it, I took it and im excited to start looking through it maybe i can find some herbal medicines that could replace the pharmacological ones i am on...not likely but i could research....hopefully i will have some time this weekend....I made a diagram of a cell tonight...out of cake, its red velvet cake and blue frosting and numerous molded candies to represent the different parts, it was extra credit so I did it...it didnt have to be cake, it could have been playdoh i just have a draw to food products :)
anyway, I have been up since 4:30 am and really should get some rest...and try not to think that I have been labeled with a disease that makes others think you are insane....sigh...im really very upset about this.

love, Tara

Bipolar

every time Pdoc says it I cringe, I hate it, and after not drinking for quite somte time the episodes have gotten pretty bad...when I used to get manic I would drink so I could sleep and it would depress me so for a long time I was able to skate under the radar with a Bipolar 2 dx.  I prefer that much more, but my pdoc could never understand that when in hospital they would up my lexapro and I would get manic so much so they(hospital)they would constantly be giving things to do, art work  and their paper work and taking me on walks and more art and I would get home and resume to my drinking and the mania would disipate but I have drank only a handful of times since march and the episodes have become obvious, to the point that when I crash its horriable and I am ashamed at the things I have said, although being able to work for hours on end is pretty nice...to bad you always crash....anyway I dont know, Im pretty upset about this dx I know I shouldnt be but I am, my ED is popping up and eating has become difficult, more because when I am up I have no hunger and when I crash Im so low I dont want to eat, I have saw K last night and am going really hard to follow the mp, its just hard when your hunger cues dont seem to be there...anyway, I did get my paper done last night I was very energentic, took my pills around midnight, woke up a few times and today am just feeling blahhh, although I did clean my house from top to bottom, the bleach still smells on my hands, guess i should have worn gloves...okay guess I should shower now.

love you all

Tara

Encouragement

This whole playing with my meds is just sucking the life right out of me, I I feel like a walking zombie, Im sooooooooooo Tired, Im going to go get some no doze because my eyes are burning and I need to stay up in class, I got a 98 on my micro final but was pissed it wasnt a hundered, last night S said to me "its a marathon Tara, not a sprint" I need to remember that and perfection really isnt the goal, its to graduate, a patient isnt going to ask did you get a 98 or an 85, as long as I do my job right, anyway, Im completely exhausted and really really depressed, S thought that I would be in the fetal position by today, but Im pushing through it took every oz of strength I had NOT to leave class early, but that would have been giving in, and I wont.  Its not a sprint its a marathon...I just need to remember that and pray this depression passes...BIPOLAR SUCKS! But I am strong and will manage, I just need some encouragement cause right now Im feeling really shitty.

Love Tara

Where there is mania...

There is always a horriable crash...

I have crashed

I feel absolutely horriable, I left lecture 2 xs today to cry, I called my pdoc on lunch, you knew this would happen, and added MORE risperdol ( I HATE RISPERDOL) but it works, In  my tears I said maybe I should just taking them (my meds) so I could be manic again , because that sure beats this, she assured me you always eventually crash and that it would just be even worse, she asked me if I needed the hospital, I adamently said, appartently her and S spoke and because I was soooo manic last week they anticipated this crash, she asked if I was suicidal, ofcourse I said no, but honostly at the time I was, I had my mom come stay with me this afternoon, I just didnt feel safe...I cried mysrlf last night, deep long sobs...somehow I managed a 98% on my micro final, which is good cause if i wrecked my average it would have sent me off the deep end, ofcourse I wanted a 100 but thats just my perfectionism...pray this med works and that things go well with S tomorrow, I really just feel so low, I cant even manage a fake smile, and with all these mood swings, my eating has been nil, I need to fix this all school is to important to me, I despertly want to do well, I need to, I started reading "intuitive Eating" I have had it forever but never read it....im  not sure how to really apply it as my hunger and fullness cues are just messed up, and I have no real foods I crave, even when I would B/P it would just be whatever was on hand, i never bought binge food, it never tasted good, it was more about the purge, anyway Im depressed and just want to feel better...please dear god just let me stabilize.

Cant comment...GRRRR

Im sorry guys I have been trying for days to comment on peoples blogs but it just wont let me, it keeps saying my account is not authorized to comment..I cant imagine why, its getting super fustrating, because I see so many people struggeling and I want to reach out , I write realitivly long comments and then they wont publish, Im supper fustrated, if anyone knows how to remedy this please let me know because I am getting so annoyed, know its not that I dt care but rather blogger being a twit!


Love Tara

Crazy couple of weeks...

So this is the end of week three for school, its going well I have so far had 5 tests, ending two courses, these are intensive courses, as we complete the LPN program in 10 months, 6.5 hrs school per day and about 2 hr study time every day, among all my other responsibilities, My appointments, the kids, laundry cleaning kids homework, cooking etc...I wake up at 4:30 every morning and most days dont return home til 6 or 7, several nights it been 9, alyssa has started hip hop and ballet which doesnt end til 8:30 on tuesdays, so we get home late that day because we all also have therapy that day, with it all though I have recieved a 94 in my nursing theory course and 95 in my A and P course and a 88 in micro, but the last one could change as we have a massive NYS state today which if not passed by the second time kicks you out of the course....

Anyway until this week I was getting pretty much nil sleep like maybe 2 hours a night, that combined with massive loads of studying, kids, responsibilities, gym  etc, I turned massively manic, to the point where my Pdoc was like if we dont get this under control we are going to have a problem, so my meds were changed, and within a couple days I leveled out I am now getting about 5.5 hrs to 6 hrs a night i ma still struggeling to take my pm meds as I have some wierd, not so much fear but feeling that "Im going to miss something"...very odd but I am trying....with the mania came some definate food struggels , the need to eat felt nil, hunger wasnt really there, so I am struggeling to get that back on track...working on it.

Mikes Birthday was tuesday that was a very stressful day but, an offer came in on my house that day and we did some negotiaing and we setteled so in 4 days my house will be sold pending no issues are found with the house ...yeah!!! didnt get what I wanted but I so needed to get from under it!

and lastly I am moving into my new place tomorrow so I need to do a bunch of packing tonight and moving stuff around,I am slightly still manic...maybe you can...okay I gotta go get to school.

will write soon


love you all

Love, Tara

No sleep

that about sums it it up, I am averaging about 3 hrs of broken sleep a night, fall sleep about 11...11:30 and wake an hour later ...wake for an hour sleep for an hour ...wake ...sleep, this morning I was so sick of it I just got up at 4 and studied til 6...while I have never had very good sleep hygiene I am trying and its just getting worse, clearly my meds arent working and I know if this continues I will crash and burn, the lack of sleep make me hypomanic, evening are the worst because although my body is tired I feel like I must keep moving, I started exercising about a week ago and you would think that would help but nope, I study and my ocd doesnt allow me stop except for at certain points, thank god I see pdoc tomorrow, I can not afford to burn out this early, I cant even look foward to the wekend because no matter what I cant sleep, and it doesnt help matters that my kids seem to wake up durning the night so if per chance I am sleeping they wake me up...IM SOOOO FUSTRATED!!!!!

Does anyone have any ideas to aide in sleep, Im going to buy melatonin today, I hope its okay to take with my reg meds, oh and intrusive thoughts of M are back, this is all proving to me most difficult.

Love Tara

Suicide Prevention week

It started yesterday but better late then never, September 4th through the 10th.

As you know this hits very close to home as haveing had M actually succede in his suicide and me haveing on horriable drunken occations overdosed the most recent haveing been in march.

Please Take a moment to reach out to those you love and even those who just seem lost, you never know if your kind word or gentle smile will give someone just a bit of hope.

Feeling suicidal is probablly one of the worst feelings in the world, its not so much about wanting to die but wanting to end your suffering, it is not a sign of weakness, just of a very hurting soul. Everyones tolerance for how much suffering they can endure is different and haveing other mental illness plays a huge role in being suicidal and actually attempting and succedeing at suicide...Please if you are feeling suicidal, desperate and alone reach out, I implore you...Your pain seems so much more then you can bare, BUT it can get better with talking and treatment, and possiably medication, please before you take that final and permanent action...

If you live in the U.S. you can call 1-800-273-8255 thats 1-800-273-HELP
                                   or
www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

If you live in Australia the help line is LifelineAUSTRALIA 13 11 14
                             or
www.helplines.org.au/


Please reach out..YOU ARE VALUABLE...and  WORTH THE FIGHT!!

Love, Tara

burning eyes...

I didnt go to bed til after midnight and i was up at 5 am yesterday, Alyssa was scared and felt the need to wake me up at 4:30 am. Im going to be exhausted later, school starts at 8 i need to be there by 7:45...to fingerprint scan in, how wierd is that they take attendance by scanning your thumb, guess i really have been out of school a long time :). Its an excellerated LPN program so over the next 10 months I will be taking 14 courses re:32.5 hours of classes per week, I am purchasing my books today and it has been suggested by my A and P teacher to read the first 10 chapters by wendsday...really 10 chapters?? im going to have quite the work load, they said its not possiable to do well without doing at least 2 hours of studying per night.
im a little overwhelmed the kids start school on thursday which means they too will have homework and reading and dinner and baths, then my studies. my mom plans on helping I just hope it all works out, its going to be an intense 10 months, but I know it will be worth it, clinical starts Nov.21, our first rotation is in a nursing home there are 4, but my second rotation is in 2 of the 3 major hospitals here in the good old capitol of NY, Im soooo excited, I cant wait to work at Albany med center, you get to do your rotations on 2 out 5 units, Obstectrics, med surge (like I could be in a OR...surgery really??) Pediatrics, Trauma or ED (emergency Department), I would LOVE to help a women give birth, pediactrics seems like it would be hard, it would be really heart wrentching to see children suffering, but ED, that would be exciting I think, there are children there too ofcourse, but still it would be cool.
After I graduate, sit for my boards and get a job I plan on eventually continueing my Education, I know this is going to be hard but Im actually pretty excited about learning and being around other adults.
I have been a little manic lately due to the lack of sleep so I will need to keep an eye on that, Lunch was difficult yesterday soooo many people, I went to my car and drove to rite aide and found a marathon bar and dt mountain dew and ate in my car...not sure what i will do today, thats going to be a challange i will have to overcome, there is a Mr.sub next door, where i could get a 6 in turkey and veg sub, im sure i eventually will its just going to take some time. I have started walking again, i need to watch that too to make sure i dont get obsessive, but its also important to get in some exercise for my health and sanity:).
I had to fill out an emergency contact and medication list...that was embarrassing, the meds I take are pretty classic for bipolar, so its going to be obvious, need to make sure my mood stays stable, I dont to give them any reason to think Im not capable.
we have two courses Im really excited about mental health (lol) I will ace that:)and nutrition and wellness ( I could probablly teach the class on nutrition)...

hmmmm what else??

I think thats about it for now, my eyes are still burning so I think its time for one more cup of coffee...oh yeah last night I re read all my blog posts from 2010 to march of this year...I have come soooo far, I cant believe 6 months ago I overdosed, thats the furtherest thing from my mind now, im actually excited...lets see how I feel while Im reading those 10 chapters :)

Love to all,
Tara