there is a huge hole in me, I dont know what it is, I dont know how to fill it. I miss something I have never had so I dont know what it is, and it leaves me so so empty. I cry from the emptiness. I cry from, not knowing, what it is that I am missing...but I feel it this huge gaping hole in my body and I just cry because I dont know how to make it go away. How can I miss something that I never had, I mean, I never had it right?? I dont know. But I feel so so empty, and it aches, I feel like I am just a walking shell, that my soul is missing, that somewhere along the years, (teenage) I didnt evolve as I should have so I filled this hole with my eating disorder, and I drank allot in high school, so I just numbed myself to this feeling of not feeling.
and from 18 to 30 I was with Mike, and he filled the emptiness with chaos and shame, but it was still filled...
I am so lost, I am so sad and now my sister needs the computer, so I cant even finish my thoughts, I will cry again and try to figure out some non destructive way to fill the void but really, it feels like it may never go away, and who wants to live feeling like a empty shell...
yup, Im a downer AGAIN.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
a writting assignment
I have my sisters computer as i was told to blog about my "EXTREME PTSD" reaction to something a older man who picks up his grandchildren from my kids school said to me...
Last thursday, a man whom I have chit chatted with for the past 3 years because we both pick kids up at the same time...I assumed he was a harmless old man til last thursday when he grabbed my arm pulled my ear next to his ear and said " I need to get to your house, I need to see you, I need to touch you, you just boggle my mind", I panicked, ripped my hand away grabbed my kids and almost ran to my car, I now panic every time I go to school, and yesterday was awful, I got extremely anxious, and it just got worse and worse as the hour went on, by the time I got to her office I was crying and shaking, I couldnt breath my arm was numb, it was aweful...all I could hear in my head was Mike screaming at me "you slut, whore, I told you, you were a cheat, slut, you deserved it, you asked for it, tramp..." over and over in my head it was awful, it wouldnt stop and I couldnt breath ( luckily she has my meds and she gave me a klonipin, by the end of the hour, I had calmed down enough to drive)
Im not sure how I am going to handle this, I now panic when I drop them off and panic when I have to pick them up, today I had to pick them up early (Zack had his last appointment for his evaluation) so I was spared...
I knew I had to work threw the physical and verbal abused I endured, but couldnt I get through the grief first, I have been an emotional wreck, I should have knew something was brewing at the gym yesterday, The mean Ed voice came on strong, telling me how dirty and disgusting and stupid and lazy I was, I wanted to stop at mile x, but I had said I was going to mile y, the voice in my head was horrible and degrading, and even after I did y mile, it still kept at me in my head I felt crazy, then I had that horrible panic attack...now Im terrified, so so scared.
I "had" to do y again today, it takes me 2 hours, and I still feel like its not good enough, at least I can realize, it wouldnt matter how many miles I did, it would NEVER be good enough...Im not going back to the gym, my body hurts, my feet hurt allot, I have no babysitter tomorrow, I could drop Isaiah off at the day care they run there, but I shouldnt I should sit with the anxiety...
Wow look at me avoiding talking what I should be talking about, I guess Im not ready to dig, I feel like my skin is crawling, I want to run and cry and scream all at the same time, and worst of all, I hate myself, and its just getting worse, every pound lost, the hate grows even more, but I just want to disapear, erase myself, make myself as unattractive as possible, I stopped wearing a bra and started wearing tak tops with shirts over them under my sweater, so I dont have a chest (im small chested but with a bra I have something) but subconsciously I must have known that, that makes me more "womanly" and after Thursday I stopped wearing the bra...I want to crawl into myself, I hate me...
Since I have taken off my wedding rings and put them around my neck, 2 men have specificly asked for my phone number, one man followed me to the car out of the gym and asked if we could keep in touch, one man at the apple orchard asked if I wanted to keep in contact so we could make "pies" together whatever that means and my next door neighbors friend has asked me out 3xs just to go as "friends for a few drinks" now this old man, I feel like a dirty whore, I want to dissappear, and worst of all, I hear him telling me all those things, I believe them, he said it and now I have become some kind of target, is/was he right, to I come off like I want it, I stay to myself, for fucks sake I cant even look a man in the eye, they scare me...but I feel
like a dirty whore,
I hate me, S says they are lies embedded in my brain by a man who was sick, that its typical for victims of abuse to believe the lies, but they are not true, I mean I have only had 2 boyfriends in my life and I married one of them, yet, I feel so so dirty.
Im just repeating myself, I dont think I did what she asked, but whatever, i feel dirty, she says Im not, but I feel it, and that isnt gonna change by writing about it.
another bummer post
I might stop writing, I think I make everyone depressed, I will try to find something positive next time I get a computer, but...no promises.
Love, Tara
Last thursday, a man whom I have chit chatted with for the past 3 years because we both pick kids up at the same time...I assumed he was a harmless old man til last thursday when he grabbed my arm pulled my ear next to his ear and said " I need to get to your house, I need to see you, I need to touch you, you just boggle my mind", I panicked, ripped my hand away grabbed my kids and almost ran to my car, I now panic every time I go to school, and yesterday was awful, I got extremely anxious, and it just got worse and worse as the hour went on, by the time I got to her office I was crying and shaking, I couldnt breath my arm was numb, it was aweful...all I could hear in my head was Mike screaming at me "you slut, whore, I told you, you were a cheat, slut, you deserved it, you asked for it, tramp..." over and over in my head it was awful, it wouldnt stop and I couldnt breath ( luckily she has my meds and she gave me a klonipin, by the end of the hour, I had calmed down enough to drive)
Im not sure how I am going to handle this, I now panic when I drop them off and panic when I have to pick them up, today I had to pick them up early (Zack had his last appointment for his evaluation) so I was spared...
I knew I had to work threw the physical and verbal abused I endured, but couldnt I get through the grief first, I have been an emotional wreck, I should have knew something was brewing at the gym yesterday, The mean Ed voice came on strong, telling me how dirty and disgusting and stupid and lazy I was, I wanted to stop at mile x, but I had said I was going to mile y, the voice in my head was horrible and degrading, and even after I did y mile, it still kept at me in my head I felt crazy, then I had that horrible panic attack...now Im terrified, so so scared.
I "had" to do y again today, it takes me 2 hours, and I still feel like its not good enough, at least I can realize, it wouldnt matter how many miles I did, it would NEVER be good enough...Im not going back to the gym, my body hurts, my feet hurt allot, I have no babysitter tomorrow, I could drop Isaiah off at the day care they run there, but I shouldnt I should sit with the anxiety...
Wow look at me avoiding talking what I should be talking about, I guess Im not ready to dig, I feel like my skin is crawling, I want to run and cry and scream all at the same time, and worst of all, I hate myself, and its just getting worse, every pound lost, the hate grows even more, but I just want to disapear, erase myself, make myself as unattractive as possible, I stopped wearing a bra and started wearing tak tops with shirts over them under my sweater, so I dont have a chest (im small chested but with a bra I have something) but subconsciously I must have known that, that makes me more "womanly" and after Thursday I stopped wearing the bra...I want to crawl into myself, I hate me...
Since I have taken off my wedding rings and put them around my neck, 2 men have specificly asked for my phone number, one man followed me to the car out of the gym and asked if we could keep in touch, one man at the apple orchard asked if I wanted to keep in contact so we could make "pies" together whatever that means and my next door neighbors friend has asked me out 3xs just to go as "friends for a few drinks" now this old man, I feel like a dirty whore, I want to dissappear, and worst of all, I hear him telling me all those things, I believe them, he said it and now I have become some kind of target, is/was he right, to I come off like I want it, I stay to myself, for fucks sake I cant even look a man in the eye, they scare me...but I feel
like a dirty whore,
I hate me, S says they are lies embedded in my brain by a man who was sick, that its typical for victims of abuse to believe the lies, but they are not true, I mean I have only had 2 boyfriends in my life and I married one of them, yet, I feel so so dirty.
Im just repeating myself, I dont think I did what she asked, but whatever, i feel dirty, she says Im not, but I feel it, and that isnt gonna change by writing about it.
another bummer post
I might stop writing, I think I make everyone depressed, I will try to find something positive next time I get a computer, but...no promises.
Love, Tara
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Open your eyes...
So she says to the girl who is blinded...
Blinded by pain, grief, anger, fear, uncertainty, hopelessness....did I mention fear...
of being alone, failing, living, wanting to live, of forgetting, of remembering, of dreaming...
Ed numbs me, always has, but
It will eventually lead me down, down to deep despair, (could it be deeper?? S thinks so)physical, mental and emotional despair...
"you will end up in the hospital."
she says
I repeat over and over, "I will not go" my mind only thinking of ED hospital, "I wont go, no one can force me, Im not going"
"I know you refuse IP, but my thought is that if you collapse they will take you to the medical hospital, you will then be forced to stay because Dr. A and I will say you are unable to make your own decisions and so you will be then forced into IP, if your cardiac situation dose not kill you before we get you there..."
really??
am I that sick??
not yet
but I opened my eyes, I see...
S went through the check list of symptoms that landed me in medical the last 2 times, and I am doing them all, quicker and more severe then the previous times...she called me "severe" and said I had a "disabling disorder" that "WILL" kill me, or at the very least damage me to the point of having a much " poorer quality of life"
first thought
could my quality of life get any worse??
Im miserable...most of the time
most
not every waking moment but most
so
not every waking moment ...thats something
I will hold onto the "not every waking moments"
and remember, it might get better...it could, it doesnt feel that way, but it could right?, its a possibility as much as it is it could get worse ( which is where my mind goes) it could get better, I will hold that close to me...
I didnt purge monday or tuesday, I had some yogurt ( and a quarter of a bagel :) not the same one lol but part of a bagel)
I didnt purge yet today and I wont, I will do my best.
I dont want to let go of my ED, but ....
cause Im so afraid,
but they need me, and not any more damaged then i already am, Im gonna to try, I need to, I am so afraid, but I will try...I love you all for your support...thankyou.
and my sweet darling Bella, my hard drive is a fucker and dell is a fucker and Im pissed so pissed I might go buy a new computer, cause really how long can a girl wait..K says just go buy it...the good news, all is wrapped and ready to be sent TOMORROW...belated birthday, early Christmas...lol, I cant wait to head to the post office:)
Love, Tara
ps
If you know that I went by Zena, it was because she was a warier princess...a fighter...and I am I am Warier, I always fight in the end...I will fight before its the end.
Blinded by pain, grief, anger, fear, uncertainty, hopelessness....did I mention fear...
of being alone, failing, living, wanting to live, of forgetting, of remembering, of dreaming...
Ed numbs me, always has, but
It will eventually lead me down, down to deep despair, (could it be deeper?? S thinks so)physical, mental and emotional despair...
"you will end up in the hospital."
she says
I repeat over and over, "I will not go" my mind only thinking of ED hospital, "I wont go, no one can force me, Im not going"
"I know you refuse IP, but my thought is that if you collapse they will take you to the medical hospital, you will then be forced to stay because Dr. A and I will say you are unable to make your own decisions and so you will be then forced into IP, if your cardiac situation dose not kill you before we get you there..."
really??
am I that sick??
not yet
but I opened my eyes, I see...
S went through the check list of symptoms that landed me in medical the last 2 times, and I am doing them all, quicker and more severe then the previous times...she called me "severe" and said I had a "disabling disorder" that "WILL" kill me, or at the very least damage me to the point of having a much " poorer quality of life"
first thought
could my quality of life get any worse??
Im miserable...most of the time
most
not every waking moment but most
so
not every waking moment ...thats something
I will hold onto the "not every waking moments"
and remember, it might get better...it could, it doesnt feel that way, but it could right?, its a possibility as much as it is it could get worse ( which is where my mind goes) it could get better, I will hold that close to me...
I didnt purge monday or tuesday, I had some yogurt ( and a quarter of a bagel :) not the same one lol but part of a bagel)
I didnt purge yet today and I wont, I will do my best.
I dont want to let go of my ED, but ....
cause Im so afraid,
but they need me, and not any more damaged then i already am, Im gonna to try, I need to, I am so afraid, but I will try...I love you all for your support...thankyou.
and my sweet darling Bella, my hard drive is a fucker and dell is a fucker and Im pissed so pissed I might go buy a new computer, cause really how long can a girl wait..K says just go buy it...the good news, all is wrapped and ready to be sent TOMORROW...belated birthday, early Christmas...lol, I cant wait to head to the post office:)
Love, Tara
ps
If you know that I went by Zena, it was because she was a warier princess...a fighter...and I am I am Warier, I always fight in the end...I will fight before its the end.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
hmmmm...my brother in law
just brought my mother home from her doc apt (she had foot surgery friday) its like 11:30 am, I brought in my coffee and the bagels my mom wanted...my brother in law is here working..."want one?" he says..."no thanks" I say, "Did you eat breakfast yet?" I stutter, " I woke up late...just got my coffee...need a cigerette...." "hate to break it to you the day started over 4 hours ago...have a bagel.." more stuttering..."no thanks, not now" he rolls his eyes, I pray he shuts up...he s gonna rat me out...I m fucked...
WHY CANT I BE NORMAL???
grrrrr
Im exposed
WHY CANT I BE NORMAL???
grrrrr
Im exposed
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
The next 5 minutes
Possibly Triggering If you are in a bad spot
"Just worry about how you will get through the next 5 minutes." I swear That is all I hear from my tx team ALL the freaking time...I finally blurted out " I dont want to live if its just trying to make it through the next 5 minutes every freaking 5 minutes"
Thats the crux of it, Its why I want to die, its why I am pretty deep in my disorder, its why my OCD is freaking off the charts bad, Its probably one of the only reasons Im not totally freaking losing mhy shiz because my computer is not working, there is only one real reason I want my computer back, she knows why. Not that I dont care about ALL of you, but I am not "allowed" to sit, I need to stay busy all the time, right now I am standing and typing because of the whole not being allowed to stop moving thing.
I have no projects left I have done all I can do and when I am not running myself ragged cleaning( scrubbing things raw), exercising, and dealing with the kids ( total insanity, yet I manage to remain calm, Im really not sure how, I guess its just my "I need to be the sane one" thing comeing through...only inside I am dying...
really what it comes down to is that I am just hopeless, I have no hope this will ever get better, that this horribleness IS my life, even i n my worst depressions, relaspes I always had some smidgen of hope in me, somewhere deep inside, my spirit might have been dulled, stuffed down by my ED, depression, anxiety, I always new it was still there...Its gone, I feel so hopeless, my spirit, my soul they have died and I am an empty shell...really I would like to know what is the point of keeping the shell here when the real me is already dead...Im not going to hurt myself because of the kids, but if I didnt have then, I would have done away with this world long ago.
I Hate to seem dramatic, but this is it folks my blog, raw emotion...and I am fucking sick to death of it.
Tara
"Just worry about how you will get through the next 5 minutes." I swear That is all I hear from my tx team ALL the freaking time...I finally blurted out " I dont want to live if its just trying to make it through the next 5 minutes every freaking 5 minutes"
Thats the crux of it, Its why I want to die, its why I am pretty deep in my disorder, its why my OCD is freaking off the charts bad, Its probably one of the only reasons Im not totally freaking losing mhy shiz because my computer is not working, there is only one real reason I want my computer back, she knows why. Not that I dont care about ALL of you, but I am not "allowed" to sit, I need to stay busy all the time, right now I am standing and typing because of the whole not being allowed to stop moving thing.
I have no projects left I have done all I can do and when I am not running myself ragged cleaning( scrubbing things raw), exercising, and dealing with the kids ( total insanity, yet I manage to remain calm, Im really not sure how, I guess its just my "I need to be the sane one" thing comeing through...only inside I am dying...
really what it comes down to is that I am just hopeless, I have no hope this will ever get better, that this horribleness IS my life, even i n my worst depressions, relaspes I always had some smidgen of hope in me, somewhere deep inside, my spirit might have been dulled, stuffed down by my ED, depression, anxiety, I always new it was still there...Its gone, I feel so hopeless, my spirit, my soul they have died and I am an empty shell...really I would like to know what is the point of keeping the shell here when the real me is already dead...Im not going to hurt myself because of the kids, but if I didnt have then, I would have done away with this world long ago.
I Hate to seem dramatic, but this is it folks my blog, raw emotion...and I am fucking sick to death of it.
Tara
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