Tomorrow i will wake up and it will be oct. 1st
yes it will
I will close my eyes and click my heels 3 times and wish with all my might.
I can not handle september.
The month must be skipped.
if you are new or have been under a rock for the last nearly 6 months..
September
Was
Mikes birthday month, he will have been 40 on the 13th,
Our wedding anniversary month, it would have been the 8th on the 22nd
and now its the 6 month aniversary of his death...( the certificate says march 19th, but I know it was the 18th) but whatever...september 19th...6 months
plus I have 2 weddingto go to, one I am in, and the other will be my fathers 4th marriage
I DO NOT WANT SEPTEMBER!!!
Im closing my eyes and wishing right now...tomorrow will be october
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
The Key to a sunday morning...
3 beautiful children.
1 sunny morning.
2 cups of flour.
2 tablespoons sugar
some baking powder..
a little salt..
2 tablespoons vegtable oil.
warm maple syrup.
waking up knowing that making pancakes with your children, is a memory that you just created ( again:)
Alyssa is pouring the batter onto the skillet,
Isaiah mixed the batter...
and zack is sleeping on the couch ( hopefully the smell will make him up soon)!
I believe the Key is not the Sun, nor the pancakes, but its my kids, they are the Key to this morning, the key to every morning to come...and yes they are the only ones who have the key to my heart.
Happy Sunday Guys, may your morning be filled with sunshine, pancakes and love!!
Love, Tara
ps tried to post a pic of alyssas pancakes but my photo option seems to have disappeared..what up with dat?
1 sunny morning.
2 cups of flour.
2 tablespoons sugar
some baking powder..
a little salt..
2 tablespoons vegtable oil.
warm maple syrup.
waking up knowing that making pancakes with your children, is a memory that you just created ( again:)
Alyssa is pouring the batter onto the skillet,
Isaiah mixed the batter...
and zack is sleeping on the couch ( hopefully the smell will make him up soon)!
I believe the Key is not the Sun, nor the pancakes, but its my kids, they are the Key to this morning, the key to every morning to come...and yes they are the only ones who have the key to my heart.
Happy Sunday Guys, may your morning be filled with sunshine, pancakes and love!!
Love, Tara
ps tried to post a pic of alyssas pancakes but my photo option seems to have disappeared..what up with dat?
Thursday, August 26, 2010
A bit better
I think.
The day is still a bit early, slightly after 9 am. The last few days have felt like a living hell, alternateing between waves of convulsive sobbing ( which dont worry occurs in the solace of my bathtub as I dont want my children to see me) yes they believe mommys tummy hurts but thats better then the alternative. The other emotion...the emotion I loath, fear, feel disgust at....anger...no I cant feel that..no, its wrong, stop it, dont say it... I have yelled at my kids, not because of the anger but because since all this happened thier behavior has been horrendous, they each see DR. B 1x a week then I see her with all of us 1xs a week, right now she is not on the mvp panel ( she will be hopefully by next week but this has been costing me 225 dollars every week for the last 3 months ( april and may she was on the panel but was taking herself off due to logistics, but she has moved and now will be on the panel...its just a waiting game) if you did the math that is 900 dollars a month just for thier appt. its very stressing especially when I try so hard to do what she tells me and it doesnt seem to work, ALyssa is sdoing allot of grief work and some behavioral, and Zack is doing allot of behaviorial and some grief, she is going to be starting him on "rage" track, she has workbooks and exercises and the lot to try to help him through this, when asked to identify emotions on a chart he could only identify 1..anger.."how do you know its anger? she asked "I want to use my fists to hurt someone" he said..and he does, mainly alyssa and me, it hurts horriably physically yes but emotionally its devastating, he is BECOMEING his dad. DR. asked about our family mental illness history, clearly she already knows mine, and that clearly Mike was a depressed alcoholic, but before that...what?? I dont really know and his parents wont tell me anything, he was fine boy, just a boy..although clearly he was not to start binge drinking at age 12 and continue doing so until his death at 39...SOMETHING was going on...
anyway that doesnt seem like Im doing better does it??
well I am sorta..
I hadnt slept in 5 days...maybe a total of 8 hrs in total durning that time but last night ( thankgod) I slept for 3 hrs..then 2 more..then another 3...oh thats 8 yeah...in one day thats great I dont feel spectacular but I feel like maybe I can face the day...I saw S on tuesday, we talked allot ( as usual) she was a hard ass, but also let me cry ( as usual) and has emailed me everyday since then...numerous emails..I answer she responds...it goes on a while ( maybe I should get her on G-chat..lol) but shes been very good, she sent me a wonderful email last night I cant remember it all right now but i will right inmy journal, it was about "parenting is not about perfection, it is about doing what we can to ensure that our children know we love them, that we will always be there and take care of them, that sometimes showing our love means we have to raise our voices ( ie yell) to ensure thier safety, so they are able to learn that mom can love them and not love thier behavior, but whether or not I like thier behavior my love will never go away...That parenting is about molding our children into who they are meant to be not who we think they should be, that all we can do is show them and teach them our morals and values and hope that some of what we say sticks...parenting is not about perfection...it is about love."
I needed to hear that, I think part of my semi breakdown was/is due that I feel I failing miserably at being a single parent, I feel like I am failing them, that its all on me and Im not rising to the challange. The last few weeks have been filled with thoughts of relaspe ( no action just thoughts) I couldnt figure out why other then me saying well Im just fat...cop out.
Why am I thinking about relasping, I will tell you..because if I relaspe and I am sick and I am a less then par parent, it can be fixed with recovery, but if I am in recovery and I am still a lousy parent then I am just inept...and that feeling ...it feels so horriable...so horriable that I couldnt face my fear..but I feel like know I can..Im going to try, Im going to try to do this, all of it...
Its a bit better..not by much..but its a bit..and Im going to hold onto that, that today is a bit better, and today I can see a little hope..and thats all I can do....see the hope, and try to hold onto it.
Love, Tara
The day is still a bit early, slightly after 9 am. The last few days have felt like a living hell, alternateing between waves of convulsive sobbing ( which dont worry occurs in the solace of my bathtub as I dont want my children to see me) yes they believe mommys tummy hurts but thats better then the alternative. The other emotion...the emotion I loath, fear, feel disgust at....anger...no I cant feel that..no, its wrong, stop it, dont say it... I have yelled at my kids, not because of the anger but because since all this happened thier behavior has been horrendous, they each see DR. B 1x a week then I see her with all of us 1xs a week, right now she is not on the mvp panel ( she will be hopefully by next week but this has been costing me 225 dollars every week for the last 3 months ( april and may she was on the panel but was taking herself off due to logistics, but she has moved and now will be on the panel...its just a waiting game) if you did the math that is 900 dollars a month just for thier appt. its very stressing especially when I try so hard to do what she tells me and it doesnt seem to work, ALyssa is sdoing allot of grief work and some behavioral, and Zack is doing allot of behaviorial and some grief, she is going to be starting him on "rage" track, she has workbooks and exercises and the lot to try to help him through this, when asked to identify emotions on a chart he could only identify 1..anger.."how do you know its anger? she asked "I want to use my fists to hurt someone" he said..and he does, mainly alyssa and me, it hurts horriably physically yes but emotionally its devastating, he is BECOMEING his dad. DR. asked about our family mental illness history, clearly she already knows mine, and that clearly Mike was a depressed alcoholic, but before that...what?? I dont really know and his parents wont tell me anything, he was fine boy, just a boy..although clearly he was not to start binge drinking at age 12 and continue doing so until his death at 39...SOMETHING was going on...
anyway that doesnt seem like Im doing better does it??
well I am sorta..
I hadnt slept in 5 days...maybe a total of 8 hrs in total durning that time but last night ( thankgod) I slept for 3 hrs..then 2 more..then another 3...oh thats 8 yeah...in one day thats great I dont feel spectacular but I feel like maybe I can face the day...I saw S on tuesday, we talked allot ( as usual) she was a hard ass, but also let me cry ( as usual) and has emailed me everyday since then...numerous emails..I answer she responds...it goes on a while ( maybe I should get her on G-chat..lol) but shes been very good, she sent me a wonderful email last night I cant remember it all right now but i will right inmy journal, it was about "parenting is not about perfection, it is about doing what we can to ensure that our children know we love them, that we will always be there and take care of them, that sometimes showing our love means we have to raise our voices ( ie yell) to ensure thier safety, so they are able to learn that mom can love them and not love thier behavior, but whether or not I like thier behavior my love will never go away...That parenting is about molding our children into who they are meant to be not who we think they should be, that all we can do is show them and teach them our morals and values and hope that some of what we say sticks...parenting is not about perfection...it is about love."
I needed to hear that, I think part of my semi breakdown was/is due that I feel I failing miserably at being a single parent, I feel like I am failing them, that its all on me and Im not rising to the challange. The last few weeks have been filled with thoughts of relaspe ( no action just thoughts) I couldnt figure out why other then me saying well Im just fat...cop out.
Why am I thinking about relasping, I will tell you..because if I relaspe and I am sick and I am a less then par parent, it can be fixed with recovery, but if I am in recovery and I am still a lousy parent then I am just inept...and that feeling ...it feels so horriable...so horriable that I couldnt face my fear..but I feel like know I can..Im going to try, Im going to try to do this, all of it...
Its a bit better..not by much..but its a bit..and Im going to hold onto that, that today is a bit better, and today I can see a little hope..and thats all I can do....see the hope, and try to hold onto it.
Love, Tara
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