hmmmm

I am going to nursing school next week..yes i got in... I am moving on saturday first with my mom for three weeks then to a great apartment...my house still hasnt sold((boo))..but on the outside things are seeming to be going better...seeming...horriable things with R took place last week or so..accusations ...denials...lies...deceptions...intoxicated mistakes...and although right now on the outside i appear to have it all together...i feel i might unravel...i feel as though i may never have someone love me, as though I will always be second, that i am not good enough...i will go to school and get a job and move...but im so freaking scared...i will push forward, but it would be a bold face lie if i said i wasnt dying to run back to my Ed..I in fact cant wait for school to start for the main reason...i will not have to nor be able to eat breakfast nor lunch and dinner will be with my mom and there will be no drinking and that as u well know makes you fat so yes i cant wait for school...for future and dreams...but i cant wait for the weight loss that will occur...i havent had the ability to hold to ED law due to my inability to stop the alcohol, but now...alcohol will be gone and finally i will be thin again...

I cant wait for school

I just cant wait

Bella

words spoken and not
Lives weaved together like that of soft knit blanket, its warmth giving life to our deadened souls..
the tales mirror one another, the love and pain shared by both
The story never starts as a tragedy, its a love story through and through
love of two souls brought together through a fear, kept together by love and joined together through death
My soul is breathed air into through your words
My heart is lifted through your care
To think I might lose you too crushes my spirit
To hold you and walk into the sand doons gives me hope
You are priceless, worth more then diamonds
that glisten in the sunlight, beams of beauty, shimmering into the sky
To show you of your worth, the stringent value of you being, the truth of you soul,
I would give anything to see you find peace in yourself
We will find peace together
Together we will find our ever present purpose, know our truths and begin to accept love as we have learned to love from one another
I will take a deep breath of the same air
And say all will be well.


All my love, Tara

Fathers day

I dont know why I thought the day would pass as "just another day"...nothing about my life the last 15 months has been just another day, everthing is always harder...I woke up with a knot in my stomach, hoping the day would just dissapear. But it didnt. Alyssa wanted to go to the cematary, we bought ballons and we sat at the grave for a good hour...I was ready to leave but she wasnt, 100 questions later I told we had to go. It was heartbreaking, she wants to buried next her dad, what 8 yr old thinks about her own death like that, I still cant believe he is really dead, gone forever, Its days like these that make me think I will never really be whole again...the night flashed through my mind in bits in pieces, like one broken up nightmare. Screaming, thrashing, lights, sirens, people in and out, crying, watching my sleeping children, praying morning wouldnt come, it was allso surreal, throwing myself on top of the coffin, trying them to prevent it from being lowered in, someone dragging me away, carrying me to a car, yelling at me to get it together.

some days it feels like yesterday and sometimes it feels like its forever, today is one of those days that it feels like it just happened. Wounds are reopened, fears of the future, and nightmares of the past, all surface like the tides of ocean...in and out the scenes come in like the crashing of waves. You can make footprints in the sand, and the water rushes in and erases them. If that what these lifes are???Just footprints in the sand waiting to be erased. I refuse to believe that, but days like today make all to easy to want to my footprint to be erased, all it would take is one crashing wave...