Open your eyes...

So she says to the girl who is blinded...

Blinded by pain, grief, anger, fear, uncertainty, hopelessness....did I mention fear...

of being alone, failing, living, wanting to live, of forgetting, of remembering, of dreaming...

Ed numbs me, always has, but

It will eventually lead me down, down to deep despair, (could it be deeper?? S thinks so)physical, mental and emotional despair...

"you will end up in the hospital."

she says

I repeat over and over, "I will not go" my mind only thinking of ED hospital, "I wont go, no one can force me, Im not going"

"I know you refuse IP, but my thought is that if you collapse they will take you to the medical hospital, you will then be forced to stay because Dr. A and I will say you are unable to make your own decisions and so you will be then forced into IP, if your cardiac situation dose not kill you before we get you there..."

really??

am I that sick??

not yet

but I opened my eyes, I see...

S went through the check list of symptoms that landed me in medical the last 2 times, and I am doing them all, quicker and more severe then the previous times...she called me "severe" and said I had a "disabling disorder" that "WILL" kill me, or at the very least damage me to the point of having a much " poorer quality of life"

first thought

could my quality of life get any worse??

Im miserable...most of the time

most

not every waking moment but most

so

not every waking moment ...thats something

I will hold onto the "not every waking moments"

and remember, it might get better...it could, it doesnt feel that way, but it could right?, its a possibility as much as it is it could get worse ( which is where my mind goes) it could get better, I will hold that close to me...

I didnt purge monday or tuesday, I had some yogurt ( and a quarter of a bagel :) not the same one lol but part of a bagel)

I didnt purge yet today and I wont, I will do my best.

I dont want to let go of my ED, but ....

cause Im so afraid,

but they need me, and not any more damaged then i already am, Im gonna to try, I need to, I am so afraid, but I will try...I love you all for your support...thankyou.

and my sweet darling Bella, my hard drive is a fucker and dell is a fucker and Im pissed so pissed I might go buy a new computer, cause really how long can a girl wait..K says just go buy it...the good news, all is wrapped and ready to be sent TOMORROW...belated birthday, early Christmas...lol, I cant wait to head to the post office:)

Love, Tara

ps

If you know that I went by Zena, it was because she was a warier princess...a fighter...and I am I am Warier, I always fight in the end...I will fight before its the end.

hmmmm...my brother in law

just brought my mother home from her doc apt (she had foot surgery friday) its like 11:30 am, I brought in my coffee and the bagels my mom wanted...my brother in law is here working..."want one?" he says..."no thanks" I say, "Did you eat breakfast yet?" I stutter, " I woke up late...just got my coffee...need a cigerette...." "hate to break it to you the day started over 4 hours ago...have a bagel.." more stuttering..."no thanks, not now" he rolls his eyes, I pray he shuts up...he s gonna rat me out...I m fucked...

WHY CANT I BE NORMAL???

grrrrr


Im exposed

The next 5 minutes

Possibly Triggering If you are in a bad spot










"Just worry about how you will get through the next 5 minutes." I swear That is all I hear from my tx team ALL the freaking time...I finally blurted out " I dont want to live if its just trying to make it through the next 5 minutes every freaking 5 minutes"

Thats the crux of it, Its why I want to die, its why I am pretty deep in my disorder, its why my OCD is freaking off the charts bad, Its probably one of the only reasons Im not totally freaking losing mhy shiz because my computer is not working, there is only one real reason I want my computer back, she knows why. Not that I dont care about ALL of you, but I am not "allowed" to sit, I need to stay busy all the time, right now I am standing and typing because of the whole not being allowed to stop moving thing.

I have no projects left I have done all I can do and when I am not running myself ragged cleaning( scrubbing things raw), exercising, and dealing with the kids ( total insanity, yet I manage to remain calm, Im really not sure how, I guess its just my "I need to be the sane one" thing comeing through...only inside I am dying...

really what it comes down to is that I am just hopeless, I have no hope this will ever get better, that this horribleness IS my life, even i n my worst depressions, relaspes I always had some smidgen of hope in me, somewhere deep inside, my spirit might have been dulled, stuffed down by my ED, depression, anxiety, I always new it was still there...Its gone, I feel so hopeless, my spirit, my soul they have died and I am an empty shell...really I would like to know what is the point of keeping the shell here when the real me is already dead...Im not going to hurt myself because of the kids, but if I didnt have then, I would have done away with this world long ago.

I Hate to seem dramatic, but this is it folks my blog, raw emotion...and I am fucking sick to death of it.

Tara