Sunday, September 30, 2012
Monday, August 20, 2012
not sure where to go from here
Its late august and I am sat here not sure where or what to do, I haven't taken my boards yet cause well I haven't even applied for them yet. the application is sitting on my table filled out and ready to go but i havent sent it in, not sure...maybe fear of failure is holding me back. I need to apply it takes 4 weeks to get a test date and I need a job by October. I'm sad. I'm lonely. my kids are tortured by their minds. Alyssa threatened to kill herself 2 weeks back so now shes on meds again. Zacks bipolar is rearing its ugly head so he may be back to more meds soon and me well I'm just lost.I drink to much. I starve all day and binge at night, I look like a pig and dream dreams of my anorexic days. I just want my family to be happy again. Since Mike died the kids are just in pain, different, never happy, lost and broken, he took a part of them that day he died a part I don't know how to get back...he stole my peace of mind, their peace of mind, they believe that I will die soon too. and sadly if they weren't here I would wish it too. I know I'm depressed cause thoughts of leaving this world come all to frequently. Its hard to breath sometimes. I need to cry but I just get angry instead and then hate myself for yelling at the kids although believe they deserve it. They hurt each other and I am at a lose at how to stop them....from spiraling even further down the path of destruction they are already on. We have no peace, not even in sleep, cause they don't unless they are all piled into bed with me and then of course i don't sleep, I'm not really sure where to turn from here, I feel so lost and empty and sad and I cant stand whom I have become, school gave me purpose and now I just float through the day waiting for the darkness to fall so we can go to bed. I know I need to pick up the broken pieces and put them back together but its like I cant find them all so there is always that missing slot. I pray things will get better but I really see no hope of that happening. I just want to feel happy again, and it was stolen two and a half years ago...will we ever be whole again? I pray we will but I fear it may never happen. I know circumstances are what they are and its up to me to make the best of what we have but I feel just so powerless to do it, this cant be all there is in life right? Its just right now it feels that it is...I guess I just need to buck up...I'm just to tired to try.
Love, Tara
Love, Tara
Monday, July 2, 2012
If you had asked me 15 months ago, while I sat locked in the hospital on suicide watch if I could possiably be even remotely close to where I am in life right now I would have laughed at you, or maybe even have gotten angry at the thought that you or anyone would expect anything from me but dysfunction, disease and addiction.
Late last June I was slightly manic and on a whim called my mother and told her I was going to go to Nursing school. I took the entrance exam, passed, went for my interview and BAM I was a Nursing student!! It was a grueling 10 month, 32.5 hr a week program, and at times I didnt think I would make it. BUT I did and I did it well, I graduated with honors last Tuesday evening. When they called my name for academic honors I was floored. I mean how could I an Eating Disordered Alcoholic Graduate with honors. I have been in tx for 11 years, with relapse after relapse. I was a frequent flyer at our local physciatric unit. But I did it. I slipped up here and there and nearly completely relapsed in January, but I dug my heals in and looked at what my hopes and dreams were, what I needed to do for my family and I stuck with it.
I (insert sly grin) excelled in the mental health course and when the topic turned to suicide I was asked by instructor to speak to each of the 3 classes on my experiance and I did and yes I cried but I also shed light on such a taboo topic. With the help of the student advisory we (as a class) got involved in an "Out of the darkness" walk at a local university, to raise funds to raise awareness on suicide prevention. we raised nearly 2000 dollars and maybe saved a life.
I feel like my life has come full circle. while I still have an ED and struggle with addiction I also know now Im a fighter. Im not a lifer. Im not sentenced to die by my own hands..... I will persevere!!!
I still have to study and pass my boards then I will officially be a LPN, but Im already looking forward to taking some classes part time to work toward my RN in January. "Never stop learning". My only regret is that Mike isnt here to see me succeed. I pray he is watching and that he is proud....because for the first time in my life I can say I am proud of ME!!!!
Never stop fighting!!! Never stop believing!!! Never lose hope!!
Love, Tara
Late last June I was slightly manic and on a whim called my mother and told her I was going to go to Nursing school. I took the entrance exam, passed, went for my interview and BAM I was a Nursing student!! It was a grueling 10 month, 32.5 hr a week program, and at times I didnt think I would make it. BUT I did and I did it well, I graduated with honors last Tuesday evening. When they called my name for academic honors I was floored. I mean how could I an Eating Disordered Alcoholic Graduate with honors. I have been in tx for 11 years, with relapse after relapse. I was a frequent flyer at our local physciatric unit. But I did it. I slipped up here and there and nearly completely relapsed in January, but I dug my heals in and looked at what my hopes and dreams were, what I needed to do for my family and I stuck with it.
I (insert sly grin) excelled in the mental health course and when the topic turned to suicide I was asked by instructor to speak to each of the 3 classes on my experiance and I did and yes I cried but I also shed light on such a taboo topic. With the help of the student advisory we (as a class) got involved in an "Out of the darkness" walk at a local university, to raise funds to raise awareness on suicide prevention. we raised nearly 2000 dollars and maybe saved a life.
I feel like my life has come full circle. while I still have an ED and struggle with addiction I also know now Im a fighter. Im not a lifer. Im not sentenced to die by my own hands..... I will persevere!!!
I still have to study and pass my boards then I will officially be a LPN, but Im already looking forward to taking some classes part time to work toward my RN in January. "Never stop learning". My only regret is that Mike isnt here to see me succeed. I pray he is watching and that he is proud....because for the first time in my life I can say I am proud of ME!!!!
Never stop fighting!!! Never stop believing!!! Never lose hope!!
Love, Tara
Monday, January 2, 2012
I'm not making any resolutions...
Its pointless to say Im going to live totally ED free, and do X, Y, Z for this year and forever, so what I am going to do is say that Im going to do what I can, minute by minute, meal by meal, Im making small steps, I can make it 2 days in row without purging, and I have lessened the exercise, most likely because I feel like royal shit, I'm sure its partly related to my ED, and also because I have picked up a virus. Its positive though to be able to not go for a run when Im sick, I would have normally just heavily medicated myself and went anyway and most likely got even sicker, I do need to go tomorrow after clinical but hopefully I will be feeling better.
Its hard a bit though, I was extremely triggered by a girl on FB that I was in tx with, she literally stated the amount of weight she lost, and its allot, she is in medical hospital right now and is allowed to have her phone and computer, I'm not sure if she realizes how triggering it is to hear that someone has lost such a large amount of weight. I didnt comment, but she showed pics and it was just not needed, by myself and im sure others,.
I want this to be a year that I make long lasting changes, not go to tx get all gung ho and then crash, small steps is what I need, in my own enviroment, as long as im moving forward, it shouldnt matter the pace. I know if I dont move forward I will die, my body cant take what it used to, Im already have some heart and GI issues so I just need to keep going, eat the food, not throw it up, and exercise what feels good for my body not what ED demands, the world wont crumble if I run 4 miles instead of 8, in fact Im sure that 4 miles is a perfectly nice amount of miles to run, very healthy I bet, so tomorrow, thats what Im going to run, and im not going to eat less because of it, Im just going to except it and know my body will thank me for it.
I m not feeling well so I have about 30 min so I can rest t hen I have work for school to do, so you know what, Im going to lay down, and my body will thank me for it, Im sure.
Happy New Year everyone, and remember its not a sprint, its a marathon, the finish line is the goal and its going to take time to make sure it lasts but oh its going to feel so good when I finally reach that red tape, anything worth having is worth fighting for!!!
Love, Tara
Its hard a bit though, I was extremely triggered by a girl on FB that I was in tx with, she literally stated the amount of weight she lost, and its allot, she is in medical hospital right now and is allowed to have her phone and computer, I'm not sure if she realizes how triggering it is to hear that someone has lost such a large amount of weight. I didnt comment, but she showed pics and it was just not needed, by myself and im sure others,.
I want this to be a year that I make long lasting changes, not go to tx get all gung ho and then crash, small steps is what I need, in my own enviroment, as long as im moving forward, it shouldnt matter the pace. I know if I dont move forward I will die, my body cant take what it used to, Im already have some heart and GI issues so I just need to keep going, eat the food, not throw it up, and exercise what feels good for my body not what ED demands, the world wont crumble if I run 4 miles instead of 8, in fact Im sure that 4 miles is a perfectly nice amount of miles to run, very healthy I bet, so tomorrow, thats what Im going to run, and im not going to eat less because of it, Im just going to except it and know my body will thank me for it.
I m not feeling well so I have about 30 min so I can rest t hen I have work for school to do, so you know what, Im going to lay down, and my body will thank me for it, Im sure.
Happy New Year everyone, and remember its not a sprint, its a marathon, the finish line is the goal and its going to take time to make sure it lasts but oh its going to feel so good when I finally reach that red tape, anything worth having is worth fighting for!!!
Love, Tara
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