Monday, January 2, 2012

I'm not making any resolutions...

Its pointless to say Im going to live totally ED free, and do X, Y, Z for this year and forever, so what I am going to do is say that Im going to do what I can, minute by minute, meal by meal, Im making small steps, I can make it 2 days in row without purging, and I have lessened the exercise, most likely because I feel like royal shit, I'm sure its partly related to my ED, and also because I have picked up a virus.  Its positive though to be able to not go for a run when Im sick, I would have normally just heavily medicated myself and went anyway and most likely got even sicker, I do need to go tomorrow after clinical but hopefully I will be feeling better.

Its hard a bit  though, I was extremely triggered by a girl on FB that I was in tx with, she literally stated the amount of weight she lost, and its allot, she is in medical hospital right now and is allowed to have her phone and computer, I'm not sure if she realizes how triggering it is to hear that someone has lost such a large amount of weight. I didnt comment, but she showed pics and it was just not needed, by myself and im sure others,.

I want this to be a year that I make long lasting changes, not go to tx get all gung ho and then crash, small steps is what I need, in my own enviroment, as long as im moving forward, it shouldnt matter the pace.  I know if I dont move forward I will die, my body cant take what it used to, Im already have some heart and GI issues so I just need to keep going, eat the food, not throw it up, and exercise what feels good for my body not what ED demands, the world wont crumble if I run 4 miles instead of  8, in fact Im sure that 4 miles is a perfectly nice amount of miles to run, very healthy I bet, so tomorrow, thats what Im going to run, and im not going  to eat less because of it, Im just going to except it and know my body will thank me for it.

I m not feeling well so I have about 30 min so I can rest t hen I have work for school to do, so you know what, Im going to lay down, and my body will thank me for it, Im sure.

Happy New Year everyone, and remember its not a sprint, its a marathon, the finish line is the goal and its going to take time to make sure it lasts but oh its going to feel so good when I finally reach that red tape, anything worth having is worth fighting for!!!

Love, Tara

1 comment:

firefly said...

Hey Tara: What about going through your fb friends and delete the ones that trigger or I think there is something you can do so that their status doesn't show? Not sure. Also let her know that it could trigger people. She may have different motives for putting it out there. Maybe she is using it to let people know how or what is going on. Obviously she is suffering from malnutrition so her thinking might be off? We know that can happen too. Honestly you know what triggers you but it's different for everyone. I don't have any friends that trigger me. I just think it is sad that people have to live with ed.

I've also struggled with how much to put out on fb. I'm not putting out any behaviors about ed anymore. I focus more on the causes of what is making me feel like behaviors or what not. I know it's not about the food but also how do you let people know what is going on? I sort of write that in my blog but I'm trying to stay away from behavior talk. You know what you find triggering is more about you and not about them. Some people would say that this post was triggering because you talked about behaviors but you might not think that. It's about where you are in your own mind.
I want to say it makes me sad that you are just aiming for a little behavior change. While I don't believe in the whole resolutions thing, I do believe that life without ed is so much more then what ed offers. It's not about getting to the end of the race but enjoying your journey ride. Death is where we all end up, yes, but I want to spend more of my days living life. You can't possibly really be living with an ed. To be present in every moment etc.
You are right that our bodies can't take it and will eventually break down. I pray that yours doesn't break while you are trying to heal. You deserve better then ed. You can do this! I'm saying out with my way of thinking this year. I'm going to get better and put this all out for good. Want to join me?