Monday, August 20, 2012

not sure where to go from here

        Its late august and I am sat here not sure where or what to do, I haven't taken my boards yet cause well I haven't even applied for them yet. the application is sitting on my table filled out and ready to go but i havent sent it in, not sure...maybe fear of failure is holding me back. I need to apply it takes 4 weeks to get a test date and I need a job by October. I'm sad. I'm lonely. my kids are tortured by their minds. Alyssa threatened to kill herself 2 weeks back so now shes on meds again. Zacks bipolar is rearing its ugly head so he may be back to more meds soon and me well I'm just lost.I drink to much. I starve all day and binge at night, I look like a pig and dream dreams of my anorexic days. I just want my family to be happy again. Since Mike died the kids are just in pain, different, never happy, lost and broken, he took a part of them that day he died a part  I don't know how to get back...he stole my peace of mind, their peace of mind, they believe that I will die soon too. and sadly if they weren't here I would wish it too.  I know I'm depressed cause thoughts of leaving  this world come all to frequently. Its hard to breath sometimes. I need to cry but I just get angry instead and then hate myself for yelling at the kids although believe they deserve it. They hurt each other and I am at a lose at how to stop them....from spiraling even further down the path of destruction they are already on. We have no peace, not even in sleep, cause they don't unless they are all piled into bed with me and then of course i don't sleep, I'm not really sure where to turn from here, I feel so lost and empty and sad and I cant stand whom I have become, school gave me purpose and now I just float through the day waiting for the darkness to fall so we can go to bed. I know I need to pick up the broken pieces and put them back together but its like I cant find them all so there is always that missing slot. I pray things will get better but I really see no hope of that happening. I just want to feel happy again, and it was stolen two and a half years ago...will we ever be whole again? I pray we will but I fear it may never happen. I know circumstances are what they are and its up to me to make the best of what we have but I feel just so powerless to do it, this cant be all there is in life right? Its just right now it feels that it is...I guess I just need to buck up...I'm just to tired to try.

Love, Tara


belinda said...

i'm hoping things have lifted since this entry :/
you know, to be whole again, it means not listening to the e/d. that's your first goal.
there are just days that are plain sucky in suicide bereavement. they do become less and less. anniversaries etc are hard but they get easier as the years go by.
hold on love, we are here with you.

Anonymous said...

There was a very real perception that bi-racial was much worse for the white than it was for the person of color. The liberal culture, which was designed and promoted with the god's tools to achieve their Apocalyptic goals, screamed racism when there was a very reasonable explanation for this reality::::
In this white punishment known as the United States the person of color has already adopted the disfavors/temptations intended for another race. But by associating/mating with a person of color the white is newly adopting the disfavors of another culture.
And this is the reason why people of color are not welcome in the United States. The gods control everything:::The perception they want to create, the thoughts they want you to have.
People of color can't recover from absorbing the temptations from two cultures. And why they become more and more like so many blacks in America:::Veterans at absorbing the temptations of two cultures.
To further illustrate this is why California's educational system/funding was ranked #1 when California was white:::Education being the basis of the affluent economic system. Now even public higher education has become unaffordable.

Don't forget the lessons the 'ole white preacher taught:::Dancing is a sin.
The gods used the liberal tool to ridicule away so many taboos, paving the way for the decay of society and ultimately the End Times::::::
Black behavior was controlled by the KKK. Men's behavior was controlled by marriage for thousands of years.
When married by 15 men never gained the taste of promiscuity. Once the gods used the budding liberalism tool the men set the tone for the deteriorating enviornment centered around their gross disfavor.
Women's relinquishing control of pre-arranged marriage will be what costs mankind everything in The End. It's all their fault. Men are pigs, essentially just primally responsive disfavored beings who if given the freedom will abuse based on the impulses the god's push them into. Whereas under pre-arranged marriage this behavior was contained now the promiscuous fraternity house epitomizes the pinnicle of what a "real man" should be like. And sadly the women fall into line.

Ronald Reagan spent the communist block into submission with defense buildup, and in the process increased the National debt from $1 trillion in 1980 to $6 trillion when he left office.
W charged both the Iraq and Afghanistan wars to the national debt, honest numbers to come.
The gods used W to initiate the "Great Recession" with deliberate legislation/regulation changes, allowing the sub-prime fiasco and corporate irresponsibility/criminal behavior which led to the multi-trillion dollar stimulous package, pocketted by Republican friends and donors::::$5 trillion charged to the National credit card.
This corruption is one element of evil in the party of good. War mongering is another.
Damned if you do, Damned if you don't::::With the Democrats you subscribe to social decay via liberlism, which WILL lead to the Apocalypse. Republicans are being used by the gods to bankrupt the United States, ultimately motivating people to the point of "desperation prayer" once anarchy presides::::Punishment designed to correct your behavior.

The gods behave monsterously in the course of managing Planet Earth but they demand people be good if you are to have a chance to ascend in a future life.
Not only is doing the right things important (praying, attoning for your sins, thinking the right way:::accepting humility, modesty, vulnerability), so is avoiding the wrong things important as well:::"Go and sin no more".
You NEED active parents who share wisdom to have a real chance to ascend into heaven in a future life, and you MUST be a good parent as well to have that opportunity. Once your children have been raised something changes, something has been decided about you. This is exactly that.