Bella

words spoken and not
Lives weaved together like that of soft knit blanket, its warmth giving life to our deadened souls..
the tales mirror one another, the love and pain shared by both
The story never starts as a tragedy, its a love story through and through
love of two souls brought together through a fear, kept together by love and joined together through death
My soul is breathed air into through your words
My heart is lifted through your care
To think I might lose you too crushes my spirit
To hold you and walk into the sand doons gives me hope
You are priceless, worth more then diamonds
that glisten in the sunlight, beams of beauty, shimmering into the sky
To show you of your worth, the stringent value of you being, the truth of you soul,
I would give anything to see you find peace in yourself
We will find peace together
Together we will find our ever present purpose, know our truths and begin to accept love as we have learned to love from one another
I will take a deep breath of the same air
And say all will be well.


All my love, Tara

Fathers day

I dont know why I thought the day would pass as "just another day"...nothing about my life the last 15 months has been just another day, everthing is always harder...I woke up with a knot in my stomach, hoping the day would just dissapear. But it didnt. Alyssa wanted to go to the cematary, we bought ballons and we sat at the grave for a good hour...I was ready to leave but she wasnt, 100 questions later I told we had to go. It was heartbreaking, she wants to buried next her dad, what 8 yr old thinks about her own death like that, I still cant believe he is really dead, gone forever, Its days like these that make me think I will never really be whole again...the night flashed through my mind in bits in pieces, like one broken up nightmare. Screaming, thrashing, lights, sirens, people in and out, crying, watching my sleeping children, praying morning wouldnt come, it was allso surreal, throwing myself on top of the coffin, trying them to prevent it from being lowered in, someone dragging me away, carrying me to a car, yelling at me to get it together.

some days it feels like yesterday and sometimes it feels like its forever, today is one of those days that it feels like it just happened. Wounds are reopened, fears of the future, and nightmares of the past, all surface like the tides of ocean...in and out the scenes come in like the crashing of waves. You can make footprints in the sand, and the water rushes in and erases them. If that what these lifes are???Just footprints in the sand waiting to be erased. I refuse to believe that, but days like today make all to easy to want to my footprint to be erased, all it would take is one crashing wave...

It never really goes away...sigh

for the last couple of weeks I have been physically sick, very sick...I went to the doctor yesterday after much fight as I loath going, ( R said he wouldnt talk to me if I didnt go and the blah blah of if you care about me you will go...wah wah) I went and I am no on antibiotics, cough syrup with codine and steriods and my lungs are sucky right now...

last week, maybe thursday, maybe wenesday, when I really strarted feeling the exhaustion of being ill, I just kinda lost my appitite, I also stopped taking my rispirdol (S knows as of yesterday and I will tell pdoc next week)...rispirdol makes me hungry, makes me eat ALOT, and slows down my metabilism, it does the same for my son, thats why he is no longer on it, it happens, its a side affect and in turn I have gained wieght, and am well DISGUSTED...its funnt how after doing well with body image (dispite the weight gain) after feeling more stable (much more) since ip in march that My ED would just slip right in again, at full force I might add...after my doctor apt yesterday, I ran some errands got my meds and took my darlings to see Mr. Poppers Penquins ( FREAKING FANTASTIC movie see it you wont be dissapointed), we got out around 7, and I hadnt anything all day by the time I got to the food court I was dizzy shakey and seeing double, bad thing in general but when you have three kids in tow its a bit scary...I finally got thier food sat them down and walked to subway...first problem they didnt have my bread ( should not be a big deal but totally was) I had to have honey oat instead of whole wheat and all I could think was "the honey in this bread probablly doubles the calories" totally irrational (I can see that now)...turkey and veg (6in)on honey oat, thats what I ate yesterday and festered on it ALL night...can you feel sick from eating and better from it all at the same time?

my concern HOW THE FUCK CAN ED JUST FALL RIGHT BACK IN AFTER AN EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME ..... REMISSION?

I can not get sick again, I have to much going on, I have a test in a week for the nursing program, I need to be on top of my game, its reality now I need to get a degree, get a life and move on.

Am I self sabatoging cause I am really scared? I have a feeling I might be, with my all or nothing thinking ( If I dont make the top 15% I am doomed to be a failure for the rest of my life)...S and I talked yesterday how there are OTHER programs, and maybe I could test again, but either way its not the end of the world.

But it feels that way, not eating should NOT be so easy, ED should fuck off, I need a reality check, and i really need you guys to tellmanage to get t me how you through stressful life situations and not fall down the rabbit hole, its time to create a new path, the old one is getting well old...Im ready but scared as hell at the same time,,,its normal right, healthy fear is normal?

yet I fear it will paralyze me and stop me in my tracks, its really not an option this time, I wont be sick anymore, yet right now I am so stuck...so torn..

Help please

Love Tara

Stuck in the past but moving foward

Im trying to anyway...Im trying to get into nursing school in the fall, there is a test I need to take in 2 weeks and I need to be in the top 15% to get into the program, Im making strides with the kids, Im down to once a week therapy, every other week K (dietition) and every other week pdoc, seeing them all so often was just so time consuming, expensive and really I feel like right now I cant be bothered, it keeps me in "sick" mode, it makes me feels helpless and needy and I dont want to be those things...on the other hand I feel the ED pulling at me, I havent eaten much the last few days, anxiety is up and Im generally exhausted, scared about going back to school and really missing my husband, like terriably, I miss having a partner, Im so lonely, so so deeply lonely, I cry cause Im alone....things with R are still the same nearly 6 months of this, its so stupid on my part, but again Im lonely and still afraid of a real relationship, its my way of keeping myself safe, he gets jealous and protective, both feel good yet scare me, I think I have forgotten the bad parts of Mike and seem to be only remembering the good, I want my kids to have a dad, I want their dad, when Isaiah grows up he will say my dad died when I was two, hes four now and really I think he may have forgotten him, he hasnt mentioned him in months and months, I guess its good cause hes not in as much pain as Alyssa, but he wont remember him when hes older either and that saddens me very greatly, its been 15 months, I seem to go through phases where I am busy and trying to move forward and then I seem to get really stuck in the past, missing him and of that night...

anyway, I have missed blogging tremendously, I need to start writing again, I have missed you all, this entry may have seemed blahhh, but im doing better then I was three months ago, just sad lonely and instead of using my healthy coping skills, The Ed feels very alluring...very very alluring, but my logical mind knows that if I want to go school I MUST stay healthy, it just has to happen, I will do my best and keep trying to move forward, after all, the past is gone and cant be relieved, I really have no other choice.

Love you all
\
Tara