Sunday, January 3, 2010

SO Yeah...thingscould be better...

Im stealing a moment away from from my sick baby cause really I need some reality checking and clearly my vision is skewed...I saw K 2xs last week cause I only was able to see S once due to the news years holiday..whine...anyway k is great..i love her really I do...our sessions are always very insightful and she really helps me ummm get my brain unstuck...our phone calls several times a week are "friend conversations" we talk about my kids...my crazy EX...her husband and son...and of course her DOG!..yes she always throws food into the conversation by the end to reasure me that above all her goal is to help me become ED free but let me tell you it really help to have an N who cares about ALL aspects of me and not just my food.

So anyway I have been purge free, pill free and exercise free for almost 4.5 months... so you all would be thinking Im doing great right?...wrong...I left Ks office with a mp (again) and an additional 2 boosts added..pissed off much...yes!...So I walked out...stood in hallway and was reading my "new" MP...and at the top of my paper I see these numbers...and I dont know what they mean...so I grab her.."whats this?" I say....she comes in close and whispers in my ear "anorexia"...FUCK!! I think are you kidding me...I have been rediagnosed with AN again...what the hell. so I walk out to car and fester...why is this bothering me so much..10 yrs ago I took "pride" in my AN diagnoses...now it pisses me off...why?? cause according to me I am not thin...I am fat!!! FAT PEOPLE CAN NOT HAVE AN!! Apparently I have distorted vision...duh...and losing xxx pounds in 5 weeks is not good they dont consider stress a reason for losing wieght...blahh

Now friday i have a appointment with S..K.. and my mom in S's office at 10:30...a intervention if you will...i thought once i stopped puking all would be well...NOT!!! there is Sooooo much more to ED then just not puking...

yes logically i know i have lost weight... ( clothes falling off would be first clue) but i feel HUGE HUGE HUGE...i feel like everyday i look in the mirror i am bigger...and i cant stand it....but there is the flip side yes i feel intrinsicly GROSS...but i also DO NOT want this ED. i need to be 100% completely healthy and ED free or ass wipe could use it against me to take my kids and ahhh that aint gonna happen! so options...feel horendously bad about myself...and eat despite it and ensure all body parts work properly (aka heart) or fake it continue to lose wieght... and risk things not being well with said organ and risk being stuck on cardiac unit...and then ofcourse risk the the threats of ass wipe taking away MY beautiful yet highly sickly children...duh...its a no brainer...but crappy crappy it freaking hard!

so heres what i need help with...the freaking thoughts...that are attacking my very survival....i know i have been downplaying the large role my ED has been playing in my lack of intake but you know what its time quit my bullshit...get my ass on track and eat some freaking breakfast ( just to point out... I AM EATING 3 times a day just clearly NOT enough) the meal are to small and I am skipping complete food groups but I AM eating..so really this shouldnt be to hard right??

bad thoughts that are bombarding me since I was officially told my weight loss has ow gone to far.."MUST BE LOWER AT EVERY WIEGH IN" ( theres one tomorrow) and YES I am freaking...but I need to realize that even if I follow my complete MP (even with the 2 boosts) it is NOT possiable to even gain a ounce...reality chheck...I am on a mp to keep me alive NOT make me fat...get it TARA GET IT!!! wake up smell the boost and for god sakes just freaking DRINK IT!!!!

ps funny story...okay no time to write it now cause babys freaking out...just now its funny..I tell you later it involves sister...her hair...and yeah FIRE!...are you on the edge of your seats yet...

Love you all and HAPPY HEALTHY NEW YEAR!!!

Tara

3 comments:

lisalisa said...

I know what it is like to focus so much on beating the bulimia only to have anorexia sneak back in. Just remember- it's all ED and it all kills, or just ruins your life!
I'm glad you are recognising what you need to do, that is the first step. I hope this can be the year that you (and I) get off the treamtment-recovery-relapse rollercoaster and get a real life- with out ED!!!!
And still, give yourself credit for not purging. That is huge!!!

Eating Alone said...

That's the way that that it works. You get rid of one thing and it switches to something else. Or you worry about it switching. You stopped purging you can stop eating less too.

Telstaar said...

Hey hun,

I don't have heaps to say because I'm tired and blah but i wanted to at least make a note so you knew I was reading!!

Hun, FOLLOW THE MP!!! I know you might hate it right now but too much at stake not to. Hang in there and keep eating and being bossed around, overtime you'll get rid of the dx again!!

Love you miss
xo