Friday, January 15, 2010

SHAME!!!

seriously... i can not believe what i did to my tx team yesterday...yes i am a fool and stupid and fat and ugly and i tortured my team who are the mostwonderful people in the whole world because i am stupid and selfish and do things i am specificly instructed not to do!...its been 19 months almost 20 since i have commited this forbidden act and clearly there is a reason for it! the reason i have concluded is cause i m a dumb fuckwho think she knows best...oh you dont know whati am talking about...hmmmm....well i searched my house found the evil machine and stepped on it. it told me how worthless and pathetic and fat and lazy and disgusting i am...and I literally had a complete breakdown...full complete headon melt down. and i took it out on mypoor innocent tx team. after ....well durning my hysterical crying i emailed S. a really bad self loathing email where i said things along the lines ofI deserved all the shit he did to me and I am fat blank.... blank....blank...i wont actually say whati wrote cause itwas really bad. and many many times i repeated thati would be better off dead thati would never recover that they were wasting there time...i was sorry buti was quiting therapy in hopes thatthiswould soon kill me and I didnt want them to think they failed in saving me so this would be the end...yes i know i was being a complete and utter ASS! but i didnt stop there...in my complete hysteria...i think i was haveing a physcotic episode...like for reals i texted K. i was fumming mad...at myself buti took it out on her. letme justsayI love K...I really really do she is so awesome and giving and completely did not deserve what i did...buti did itandcanttake itback. so anyway itwentsomething along the lines of her decieving me...not telling me whata worthless fat piece of shit i am...how could she have done this to me and somewhere in my craziness i musthave said i would be better off dead...she called...i didnt answer...i wasto angry and was crying so hard i couldnt talk anyway...so then she texted me thati had to either go to the ER of the "other" hospital...aka jail and that she was calling S. I freaked out called S still crying but trying trying to hold it together explaining whati did...re: scale...how i freaked out...to put it mildly...thati was okay completely safe and i would take some meds lay on couch with my baby and watch spongebob...she called back immediatly...K had already called her..i answered the phone with a quick im fine i swear i will not hurt myself i am safe...she was calm as always) and assured me it was okay...thatitwas my ED trying to get to me that mymeds arentworkingtheway they should due to lack of nutrition and itwould be okay and thatyes i would be in to see her today because she cares for me and K cares for me and whatshe didwas out oflove and fear for me. we hung up and called K i apoligized over andover and over...she called back around 2 buti didnthear my phone...meds made mesleepy and i must have fallen asleep for like 5 min and missed the called...so i called back left another message saying how sorry i was that i was haveing a 2 yr old tantrum...itwould never happen again...to please forgive me...it would never happen again...and again i apoligized...she texted me around 7 asking ifi was okay...i didnt getthe message til 8:30 (clearly there is something wrong with my phone) i texted herback once again apoligizing...and now i mustgo see S. i am full ofshame and disgust for my actions yesterday i dont think i will be able to look her in the eye...i am so foolish and clearly retarded...i hate me....but most of all I hate ED for fucking with my already unstable brain to make me think my life should be over cause of a number...dammit I need to get a hold of K and say im sorry overthe phone like i need to hearher say its okay i know it wasnt "you" i am so full of shame...i deserve to have my toe nails pulled out!I am sorry to unload all this on you guys but this is me. clearly i am insane...butatleast i know enough when i have been completely irrational. if you readthis whole thing you deserve a prize cause seriously i am a nut this is why i am not writting as much cause im from the wacky shack. besides no one really reads my craziness since i went private anyway...at least they dont comment see look i am being paranoid...i need to stop get in shower and get ready to see S. lord be with me give me courage...and help me not to make a fool out of myself again today.

okay the end

with many regrets

Tara

4 comments:

firefly said...

Tara:We all have bad days. It will get better. Not sure when but it will.Keep pushing forward. Call! Sarah

Telstaar said...

*hugs*

I'm sorry that you stepped on the scales and flipped out. I know its hard, but it sounds like your tx team realised it for what it was, a meltdown.

I hope that you can work through all the new feelings that have come up in light of this and try and move forward again.

Hang in there hunni. You are not better off dead.

With love
Telly xo

lisalisa said...

oh my! I am so glad you were able to calm down a bit and the tx team did not send an ambulance after you, which surely would have sucked!
I know it is easier said than done but relax, try to breathe. And don't beat yourself up for flipping out. Everybody does it once in awhile ;)

Jane said...

I read it. We are all crazy sometimes. :) I just hope you feel better soon. Don't be so hard on yourself, beautiful lady!