Saturday, January 30, 2010


Thats how I feel...CRAPPY!!

I saw S yesterday, She is convinced my potassium is low...hence she is "concerned"...hence I am annoyed.

For multiple reasons...number 1 being I HAVE NOT PURGED IN 5 MONTHS!!!!

I think its B.S.

Her thinking too much coffee ( I have become addicted to car looks like a starbucks grave yard)...not enough water...not enough food...blahhhh side note did you know that something like 50% of a persons fluid intake comes from ACTUAL food...who knew??

Anyway my take on the situationeze this thinking is at best irrational). My body is thinking "who does chic think she is?? She has treated me like shit forever and now she wants me to behave...she is CRAZY!!!).

I think this is complete crap!!!!

I am miserable!!!

I feel horrendous every time I dizzy, nausea, chest pain, numbness in hands and feet...yes it does SUCK!

Of course it could be 2 things either I 1)am having panic attacks when i eat or 2) I really feel like this most of the time I just feel it most after I eat cause well i am wierd and like to blame it on food...hence trying to wiggle my way out of eating...i mean my madre isnt going to force me to eat allot if she thinks it makes me sick ( this plan would work for a while but i know she wont buy it for long)

okay so right now my right hand is completely numb and tingling and i didnt eat so i guess that blows that theory out of the water...hmmmm

This all sucks my friends... I see the E.D. doc in 4 weeks...and I do not want to go...and if I still feel like this on monday when K asks or tuesday when S asks asks I either must 1) lie or 2) tell the truth and have to risk the fact she may or must likely either call the doctor or make me call in front of her...either option blows...I am not happy...maybe i will go get some G2...( I will not drink the regular crap so dont even tell me its better)...this situation is really making me unhappy.

sorry to be a debbie downer but this all blows the nut

love me

and please stay hydrated...cause well I want you all to be well...


belinda said...

you know you won't get anywhere by lying hon and i know you want to kick ED butt which tells me you will be honest regarding your struggles ;)

i wonder why you are annoyed at S for being concerned about your potassium.

i know you haven't been purging (and that is fantastic!) but why the annoyance? is it to do with validation? or that you don't know how to process the concept of care and concern for your SELF? (i can understand that).

keep pushing thru the anxiety when eating, i promise that it does get easier baby. i need you to stay with me on this one ;)

love love

Zena said...


you know I would never leave you on this journey...Im just completely fustrated...and Im pretty sure my body is rebelling...

ps you know I CANT lie...wish I could, but I cant, I suck at it and they both know it.

Dam my incrediable sense of integrity :)

belinda said...

i think it's to be expected that we have frustration and agitation (annoying as it can be at times).


firefly said...

Hey Tara: Now that I can get back in I'm reading again. I know there are times in this journey that we don't think we can get through this. That's why we use people to pull us through. If you aren't honest you can't use the people around you. You can be honest! I know you want a healthy life. Hang in there!

Eating Alone said...

Ok you should have had the appt by now, any updates? You still feeling shaky after you eat?

I hope you are doing a little better now.

Zena said...

S tried to convince me to see the good doctor on tuesday, or at least to go get labs done, but I declined ( yes i realize I am a dumbass). I see her again today in about an hour, I completely feel horriable...and I dont know but i think i might have passed out or nearly passed out in the shower...everything went black and I kinda slid down the wall of the shower til I could see again... that kinda worried me so I am sipping on some G2 right now...this sucks cause I need to maintain some or enough amount of my health so as to not alert the soon to be ex that all is not well. if these symptoms persist I am going to have to get labs done...grrrr...or maybe i could just take some K pills...I have them so whats the harm?? I dont want to go to the doctor cause I am afraid of the big H. But I havent lost all my marbles cause I know the longer I put this off the greater my chances of being put in that place...I can not nor will not be placed in some room with a tube up my nose on best rest, with needles poked all over me, hooked up to monitors with someone in my room watching me pee and making sure I dont do stupid things like walk or puke (which I havent done in over 5 months) I dont want someone watching me shower or NOT LETTING ME SMOKE!!!! To make matters worse or maybe better Im thinking of fireing K, not cause I dont love her ( cause I do) but its a waste of my money (which I have very little off) I dont do what she tells me to, and I think she starting to get annoyed...or maybe thats just me. S said I cant cause that would be my E.D. making that decision, not my rational self ( which by the way is not to case you havent noticed) Im exhausted, I hurt all over...and now Im blacking out in the shower...seriously this BLOWS...I want a magic wand or pill, I want this all to go away...i want to be happy and healthy and FUN. but right now I want to hide under a big ASS ROCK!!!

We are having a Birthday party for my sister tonight, I made a cheesecake and the fucker cracked...way to piss me off I have to hide the crack with strawberries and kiwi...I am soooo sick of shit!!!

firefly said...

Maybe I should read this first. Get labs done pronto! It doesn't sound like you are doing well and if this continues you will be going down the same rabbit hole. Don't follow Alice back down there. Remember being forced to eat this drink that in front of the queen will not get you back to reality. Dam that cheese cake ice cream hunts me in the frig. Love ya!