Tuesday, January 26, 2010

I am to OLD

Thats it...I mean not "to old" in age as Im to OLD to STILL have this Eating Disorder...It was okay at 15...it was okay at 20...it was okay at 25 and even at 29...but now I am ashamed...I am to OLD for this...I dont want it any more....What does that mean...I dont know..I mean clearly it means If I dont want to feel ashamed i need to get better...but holy shit heads i am freaking scared!!!Does my eating sucko?...yes sir!! Do I want to do this? NOPE!!! but... Do I know I need to? You bet ya!....hmmmmm whats a girl to do? oh yeah ...EAT!!!

Thats it...just wanted to "say" it.

Oh and I am not calling my eating disorder ED anymore...I mean really lets call a spade a spade...Ed is not real...it is not some other person forceing me to starve, or berate and belittle me. Its a disease. I have it so I must deal...or at least recover from it...I mean people who have any other disease dont name it...like its some kinda sick friend Do they?? Really I mean thats a question, cause i dont know maybe they do.

All I do know is whether I want to or not I have to face facts, although sometimes(okay allot) it FEELS like its not my choice, in reality it is...only I can decide to recover...it is ulimately up to me (unless one of you want to do it for me,I mean if you do feel free, just let me know cause that sure would alieve some of the pressure)

Will I chose Recovery today? Im not sure yet (at least Im being honest)...but really Its not up to "ED"...IT IS MY CHOICE,YES IT SUCKS...but at least I am not in denial...so thats a start right???

And just to let you know I will probably still write ED cause im lazy and its easier then writing out the whole 2 words :) So im not a hypocrite, just lazy.

Disclaimer: I am not in any way saying that by saying "ED" told me to...or whatever...is wrong or not right for any of you cause it works for you and gets you to your ultimate goal...which i am assuming is recovery then thats great!!!! Its just not right for me anymore, I think its holding me back, its preventing me from taking responsibility for my actions, its preventing me from reaching the "RECOVERED" state...and as scary as it may be...that really is my goal.

okay well i was just gonna write im to old for this but i guess i needed to write something...hmmmmm...its not to late for breakfast...its only 10:30...i dont know, we'll see, but it is my choice, at least i've finally realized that...better late then never i suppose.

Have a beautiful Recovery filled day!!

love, me


belinda said...

it was so good to read this!
i think part of the recovered mindset is to accept responsibility for the recovery. yup, it's an illness and part of the illness is to name it and detach it from you (like a controlling outsource).. maybe part of it is like that.. but as you say, recovery IS our choice. it's hard and sucks sometimes but it is doable!

how are things going with M?


Eating Alone said...

I'm with you on the whole ED thing. But I'm also lazy and it's easier than typing out eating disorder or (scarier) my MENTAL ILLNESS. I hate that one.

Oh and if your too old what does that make me? Of course mine didn't kick into high gear till I was around 27/30. Thanks I feel ancient now. :D

Zena said...


M and I split...well I left the loon...he threw one plate to many...ya know...really I feel really good about it...people are asking my dear friends why am I so happy and full of life...they just respond..."thats just Tara...shes back" It really is a wonderful feeling to realize "hey maybe I am (back)"...miss you tons...I will email soon!!!

lol I dont know how old you are...but if your older then me then HAHA...you are ancient...just kidding. E.Ds age you so I have had mine for 15 years (unfortunately) so Im probally like 45 and if your older then that well dont worry I will definately come to your funeral :)


Telstaar said...

Hey beautiful,

Yep, you are the one that has to choose recovery and I do believe you do continue to do this on an ongoing basis and Tara, I think that is really good :).

I completely understand what you mean by feeling that you're "too old" for this, oh my gosh I feel the same! When I am in tx for the ed I often feel like i'm 16 or 17 because it just doesn't feel like ME! It's craziness. I'm 28 not 16! But hun, no one is too old or too young (unfortunately) to get this wretched illness, but you have three young lives that depend on you and are getting to ages where they will be influenced by your actions... so sometimes when its hard to be that adult person, try to remember what example you want to demonstrate for your three munchkins :) cause I KNOW you love them and sometimes it IS hard to do it for ourselves no matter our age :).

Also, I completely understand what you mean re removing the name off the eating disorder. Ironically my T has just started naming my ed (Luli, for lucifer lies) because she really wants to separate it from me... BUT... one of the reasons I have resisted that for SOOOOO long is that I didn't want to fob off responsibility for things that are within the realm of my responsibility. (In my case she assures me that she's not going to let that happen and I believe her.) So I think that for you to recognise that naming the eating disorder is holding you back is a positive step. It's scary and hard to take responsibility for things, particularly when its all so mixed up in our minds, but I do hope it proves to be a really positive step for you because I don't want you to suffer from this illness any longer! I want to see you FREE!

Love you babe xoxo

belinda said...

hey babe,
i'm glad to hear that you stayed strong in your departure from M.. and more importantly your true self is returning. this makes me so happy hon!


Eating Alone said...

I'm turning 42 (hold on let turn up my hearing aid I can't hear this monitor) this year. I've had an ED most likely since I was around 28 but didn't start treatment till last year. I fixed my body in my 40th year, spen 41 in therapy and thought I would be done with all this crap by the time I was 42. Doesn't look that way :-(

So by your theory I must be around 55 or 65. Great at least I can get SS now.

Don't worry you can beat it. It's easier as you get older. Please don't spoil that illusion for me.

Alexandra Rising said...

Im with you on not humanizing the disorder. I refuse to call it "Ed". I think it's a positive step because you are taking responsibility for your own actions :)