How was your christmas???...MINE BLEW!!!!

well m lovelies I hope you all had a wonderful christmas...with all the gifts and wonder and joy that the birth of christ can bring you!! I hope you all sipped egg nog (I personally have never tried it but that shouldnt stop you)...any who I wont keep you in suspence I am sure you are all wondering why OH why did my christmas suck...well it wasnt cause I could feel the presence of our lord or anything or that the kids didnt get enough from santa cause lordy did they...mucho stuff let me tell you!! but alas I spent christmas eve in the ER of the major medical center in our area...yes its a wonderful place I have spent many a days AND nights in that wonderful place...oh the care is impecable...but its not really where I would like to spend my cristmas eve ya know?? NO NO NO it tis not I that was the patient but my precious baby girl :(

you see it started wednesday night around 8:45 pm alyssa was playing the WII and suddenly when it was time to go to bed... alyssa got into bed and started complaining of a terriable headache...now you know Alyssa is a drama queen so my first thought is okay lets pray...she readily agrees and we pray and I assume she is just over tired and will feel better in the morning I mean no way did I think she was really sick I mean she was fine just five minutes earlier...but I have great luck so I should have know what was to come...she starts to cry "mommy it really hurts its pulsing" okay I think well lets get some tylonal that eals everything ( kinda like windex in "my big fat greek wedding") if you havent see the movie then watch its funny and then you will know what i am talking about! anyway...I go down stairs to get the said tylonal... I walk back up the stairs and she runs past me flying into the bathroom....yes blowing chunks big ones all over our porcilin bowl...it was fun and the poor thing starts to cry...no biggie I think her headache just made her nausaus... all will be better in the morning.

well you know I have shit ass luck so I wake up around 4 m and check her...her temp although she did not have one when she went to bed was now 104.5 yes...so i have orange motrin for kids thats all I have left she wont take it...ONLY PURPLE...aka grape flavored...grrrr..run to my moms room ( thankgoodness for moms) " mom you gotta watch alyssa I need purple tylonal ...she stumbles out of bed to watch alyssa...I run to pricechopper (thankgoodness they are open all night) scan the the shelves find grape motrin ....run home and pour it down her throat... I being naive think all will be well...oh silly me...silly me... 8 am fever down feeling safer...let my gaurd down...fever rises again...only to 102... give motrin fever breaks... all is well...so one thinks...suddenly around 2pm i check her fever (now all the while her head still hurts really bad...she cant lift her head off the pillow) so I give her motrin... nothing happens...temp still goes up...4pm fever 104.5...and the poor child cant open her eyes and when she does she starts saying funny stuff...not making any sense...saying funny ( well really not funny...but you know what I mean)...medicine not working..I call pediatrition ...her advice after I tell her all alyssas symptoms...if fever and or halucinations dont stop in 15 min GO TO ER...Im thinking her swine flu vaccine didnt work...shes thinking mennigitis... I tweak...call mom...shes five minutes away...20 min go by still high fever still acting wierd...I rush her to ER...they rush us into a room cause I guess menigitis is not something to fool around ...her pulse is 134 high for a 6 yr old...bp is high...shes upset Im upset and did I mention she has been continously vomiting since 8:45 the previous night...so yes she is also dehydrated...oh this is fun stuff Im thinking... they load her with motrin and tylanol...something to make her stop puking and 1oz of gingerale every 5 minutes ( after the puking stopped)...they took urine samples ( yes shes dehydrated) but since the puking has now stopped thanks to the anti-puking medicine... 5 hours later after her vitals stabilize they discharge with the conclusion she as a severe dangerous viral infection ... they give her a does of tamiflu... give me a script to fill the tamiflu...but no med incase the puking starts again cause apparetly she s to little to take it on a regular basis... so we get home ( NO PHARMACY is OPEN on christmas eve at 9:15pm) stupid asshole ER docs... 10:15 pm...the puking resumes and I am not a happy girl.... I give the anti fever meds every 2 hours so fever stays away... 6:30 am no puking for 3 hours no fever yeah I think its gonna be over soon... she wants to go to her dads to see what santa brought her there ( that was the deal he has them christmas morning I get them at 2) so I warm up car back all meds and tissues and crackers I can think of dress her wrap her in blankets and drag her to her dads...I give him strict istructions on what to do and to call if she she takes a turn for the worse... no phone calls I assume all is well.. I start cooking for chhristmas dinner..listening to christmas carols... thinking all shall be well...12:15 pm call from ex..."shes really sick, i gave her the medicine but all she wants to do is sleep and now she cant breath...grrrrr things r getting even better...bring her home I say " I can take care of her just as well as you can " he says...asshole...now her being sick is about him...( did I menntion he texted me all morning how this was the worst christmas of his life, How could I have left him...he deserves another chance...im selfish...his life is ruined ad I dont cant...numerous texts all while his sick daughter lies in bed moaning) 2:00 pm he brings me the kids... I give her more motrin...some sprite(which she wont drink) cover her in blankets and pray over her ...she seems to be feeling better...okay i think...its gonna be okay...we sit down at 5 to open presents ( there is allot) it takes an hour for the 3 of the kids to open all their gifts....she sits on couch trying to smile...shes sick and weak...and I carry her upstairs try to make her comfortable...give her more medicine...cover her up and she falls asleep...I go down stairs...take turkey out of oven get all other items warmed up and served...step father says grace...I got up to check on alyssa shes still sleeping...check her...fevers back up...great give her more medicine....she goes back to sleep..I start to clean up gifts and wrapping paper and the dinner table ( that I didnt eat at)....check on boys they are good no signs of illness...they are laughing and playing....9:00pm put tired boys to bed...finally lay down...3:00am....alyssas up...and yes she puking....now I know she is dehydrated... 8:00am call on call doc....fill tamiflu precription....buy every pedialyte and gatorade product known to man...doc says if she doesnt pee in next 8 hours she has to go back to er for iv fluids and possiable admission....I tell her this and while I am at walmart getting script..I find anti puking medicine thats okay for kids....score one for mom....K get home doing 1oz of gatorade every 10 min...she is not happy and is not making it easy...with 1 hour and 40 min to spare she pees...not much but enough to keep her out of ER...whew...sigh of relief...sunday she still feels like crap still wont eat and will only drink if I either give her medicine ( cause it tastes bad) or threaten her with hospital...it works barely....I think she is better cause I give her a shower some more medicine and she is able to sit with me and make bracelets... we watch matilda (its a good movie) her father calls its his day...( we go through I can take care of her just as well as you can thing...blah blah blah) I bring all three of them to assholes...9:15 monday morning I get a phone call when are you comeing to get them shes still sick and now Im gonna get it....jackass....take some meds and move on our daughters sick...I tell him Ill be there by 11 ( I had an appointment with K...another story will get to that later) pick up kids she feels like crap...zack doesnt like all the attention alyssas getting so now hes "sick" too....we go home after stopping for lots of tissues and gatorade...now her fever has broke but shes nnot moving...nor drinking ....nor eating...and now green stuff is flowing from her nose...like a freaking faucet...it was so gross...her nose is raw from all the rubbing and wiping...and I am exhausted! yesterday...I think great now she has a bacterial infection...call doctor...take her back...glands still swollen full of green crap BUT it is comeing out and she is still sipping enough gatorade to keep her semi hydrated...instructions keep doing what I am doing this will get better shes on the tail end...if fever or vomiting return...go back to ER....last night she was clearly feeling better ( aka fighting with Zack...so Im thinking well shes better for the most part and then I think... I liked her better not moving on the couch...:) ) so I put them to bed and I think the death sickness is finally over...a breath a sigh of relief....and then my little man comes to me and says "head hurts...head hurts" ...i check him fever 101 crap.. give him baby tylonal bring him upstairs annd put him to bed....5 min later he pukes....ALL OVER....here we go again.... like seriously god if your listening we have been through enough...let Isaiah wake up well.... I CANT TAKE ANYMORE!!!!!...we were up at 4 with fever and crying... he is sleeping now....and I am trying to breath!


So that was my christmas:( oh you want to know about me well that will have to "weight" til another time... my but hurts from sitting and clearly this post is long enough and full of enough depressing news no need to bring you anymore down...hey guys..I know you all had to have had great christmas's I mean I took all the bad enough for all... so could you let me know how great your day was... I could really use some holiday cheer...cause really

Losses

I havent had a computer for a few days and I had intended this post to be an update about what has been happening in my life..cause really allot has been going on...Im still purge free...which is good...really struggling with intake and have been really enjoying my time spent with the boost...sarcasm...in a major way!!!

But really I feel something much more pressing needs to be talked about...and this I know will really hit some of us in a more personal way and is majorly difficult to talk about but really I have to talk about because its causing my insides to ache...in the last 6 months I have known of 3 people that were either directly connected to me or connected to someone that I care deeply for and these 3 people have taken their own lives...all by the same method....most recently my future brother in laws best friend killed himself on monday...he was to be the best man in thier upcoming wedding this fall and now both my sister and her fiance are devasted...I say this to point out that yes the poor souls that ended thier lives were despertly suffering and obviously not in their rational mind. They ended what in most case is a temporary problem with is what is obviously a permenant solution. Their pain was ended but those that remain their pain is just beginning...my sister and her fiances family are devasted...as am I because I can relate to the feeling of just not wanting to deal with my own pain anymore and I am sure that many if not all of you have at one time or another have dealt with those feelings...lucky for us we were provided with the care and support that we needed so thatwe didnt take those drastic measures...or (did) we...

I mean really folks lets face it. What we are doing to ourselves is suicide...yeah it takes allot longer that taking a bunch of pills or tying a rope around our neck but it has the same result! WE WILL DIE!!! I mean what will it take to get it through our thick skulls THIS WILL kill us for some it may happen slowly over years..or maybe we will die a sudden heart attack but the result in the end is the same...we'll be dead. And that my friends is irreverciable there is no coming back once your dead. I hate to be such a downer but really I feel this is something that I had to say. Eating disorders are a vial and disgusting disease.... we need to fight harder, we need to do whatever it takes to survive. we were put here for a purpose... and I can gaurante that it wasnt to suffer the way we have been suffering. Its time for us to live. Its time to be free!!!

I m sorry if I sound like Im lecturing you that is not my intention...i just want you all to know how valuable you all are and even when you dont feel like you are worth fighting for know that you are invaluable to your loved ones...if the thoughts wont leave you alone just imagine someone you love staring at you over your coffin.

I love you all...please keep fighting!!!


Love, Tara

3 months and 6 days

PURGE FREE!!!!!

I have allot to say but want to see if this private thing worked....if you were able to get in and read please leave me a comment and let me know so I can update on my life...you can also visit me on facebook...Tara Bovee Mackey theres no pic yet...but there will be one soon...just dont get to personal...if ya know what i mean...im parannoid lately...although Mike has been blocked from my profile.. Im still a little nervous...hope you are all well... and if anyone knows lauras (NOW IS NOW ) email let me know.. i want to invite her too...okay love you all!!

Love, Tara

going private....

I hate to do this but I feel it necessary if I am going to be able to continue to write my true thoughts and feelings...could any of you who would like to be invited please email me at mackeytara6@gmail.com


Love,Tara

do you really think these people care about u like i do i dont think so. im glad your happy,but your crazy to think all these people on this blog are your freinds. i love you and would die for you. we had problems i admit that but you always put your blogger freinds before me. do they love you and would they die for you or our kids.i miss you and am in treatment to get better. i love you more than anything in this world besides our kids.your friends on your blog dont even know me. to all you people on her blog you shouldnt judge me you dont even know me.tara i miss you and am nothing with out you. i miss our kids. you where sick for a long time. i tried my best to cope. iguess i failed. how many of you people on this blog have husbands or kids and how did they deal with your disorder.i need another chance im sober and sorry i need you and miss you i cry myself to sleep every night. if your happy with out me thats good i wish you the best of luck.im not happy with out you. my world feel a part when you left.

hi tara im glad your happy. im not