SHAME!!!

seriously... i can not believe what i did to my tx team yesterday...yes i am a fool and stupid and fat and ugly and i tortured my team who are the mostwonderful people in the whole world because i am stupid and selfish and do things i am specificly instructed not to do!...its been 19 months almost 20 since i have commited this forbidden act and clearly there is a reason for it! the reason i have concluded is cause i m a dumb fuckwho think she knows best...oh you dont know whati am talking about...hmmmm....well i searched my house found the evil machine and stepped on it. it told me how worthless and pathetic and fat and lazy and disgusting i am...and I literally had a complete breakdown...full complete headon melt down. and i took it out on mypoor innocent tx team. after ....well durning my hysterical crying i emailed S. a really bad self loathing email where i said things along the lines ofI deserved all the shit he did to me and I am fat blank.... blank....blank...i wont actually say whati wrote cause itwas really bad. and many many times i repeated thati would be better off dead thati would never recover that they were wasting there time...i was sorry buti was quiting therapy in hopes thatthiswould soon kill me and I didnt want them to think they failed in saving me so this would be the end...yes i know i was being a complete and utter ASS! but i didnt stop there...in my complete hysteria...i think i was haveing a physcotic episode...like for reals i texted K. i was fumming mad...at myself buti took it out on her. letme justsayI love K...I really really do she is so awesome and giving and completely did not deserve what i did...buti did itandcanttake itback. so anyway itwentsomething along the lines of her decieving me...not telling me whata worthless fat piece of shit i am...how could she have done this to me and somewhere in my craziness i musthave said i would be better off dead...she called...i didnt answer...i wasto angry and was crying so hard i couldnt talk anyway...so then she texted me thati had to either go to the ER of the "other" hospital...aka jail and that she was calling S. I freaked out called S still crying but trying trying to hold it together explaining whati did...re: scale...how i freaked out...to put it mildly...thati was okay completely safe and i would take some meds lay on couch with my baby and watch spongebob...she called back immediatly...K had already called her..i answered the phone with a quick im fine i swear i will not hurt myself i am safe...she was calm as always) and assured me it was okay...thatitwas my ED trying to get to me that mymeds arentworkingtheway they should due to lack of nutrition and itwould be okay and thatyes i would be in to see her today because she cares for me and K cares for me and whatshe didwas out oflove and fear for me. we hung up and called K i apoligized over andover and over...she called back around 2 buti didnthear my phone...meds made mesleepy and i must have fallen asleep for like 5 min and missed the called...so i called back left another message saying how sorry i was that i was haveing a 2 yr old tantrum...itwould never happen again...to please forgive me...it would never happen again...and again i apoligized...she texted me around 7 asking ifi was okay...i didnt getthe message til 8:30 (clearly there is something wrong with my phone) i texted herback once again apoligizing...and now i mustgo see S. i am full ofshame and disgust for my actions yesterday i dont think i will be able to look her in the eye...i am so foolish and clearly retarded...i hate me....but most of all I hate ED for fucking with my already unstable brain to make me think my life should be over cause of a number...dammit I need to get a hold of K and say im sorry overthe phone like i need to hearher say its okay i know it wasnt "you" i am so full of shame...i deserve to have my toe nails pulled out!I am sorry to unload all this on you guys but this is me. clearly i am insane...butatleast i know enough when i have been completely irrational. if you readthis whole thing you deserve a prize cause seriously i am a nut this is why i am not writting as much cause im from the wacky shack. besides no one really reads my craziness since i went private anyway...at least they dont comment see look i am being paranoid...i need to stop get in shower and get ready to see S. lord be with me give me courage...and help me not to make a fool out of myself again today.

okay the end

with many regrets

Tara

INTERVENTION!!

SHIT !@$!@#!@#!

S, K and me madre this should be fun...

k update later...

good news kids start the bus today... no more driving back and forth THREE times a day!

whot whot

love, tara

SO Yeah...thingscould be better...

Im stealing a moment away from from my sick baby cause really I need some reality checking and clearly my vision is skewed...I saw K 2xs last week cause I only was able to see S once due to the news years holiday..whine...anyway k is great..i love her really I do...our sessions are always very insightful and she really helps me ummm get my brain unstuck...our phone calls several times a week are "friend conversations" we talk about my kids...my crazy EX...her husband and son...and of course her DOG!..yes she always throws food into the conversation by the end to reasure me that above all her goal is to help me become ED free but let me tell you it really help to have an N who cares about ALL aspects of me and not just my food.

So anyway I have been purge free, pill free and exercise free for almost 4.5 months... so you all would be thinking Im doing great right?...wrong...I left Ks office with a mp (again) and an additional 2 boosts added..pissed off much...yes!...So I walked out...stood in hallway and was reading my "new" MP...and at the top of my paper I see these numbers...and I dont know what they mean...so I grab her.."whats this?" I say....she comes in close and whispers in my ear "anorexia"...FUCK!! I think are you kidding me...I have been rediagnosed with AN again...what the hell. so I walk out to car and fester...why is this bothering me so much..10 yrs ago I took "pride" in my AN diagnoses...now it pisses me off...why?? cause according to me I am not thin...I am fat!!! FAT PEOPLE CAN NOT HAVE AN!! Apparently I have distorted vision...duh...and losing xxx pounds in 5 weeks is not good they dont consider stress a reason for losing wieght...blahh

Now friday i have a appointment with S..K.. and my mom in S's office at 10:30...a intervention if you will...i thought once i stopped puking all would be well...NOT!!! there is Sooooo much more to ED then just not puking...

yes logically i know i have lost weight... ( clothes falling off would be first clue) but i feel HUGE HUGE HUGE...i feel like everyday i look in the mirror i am bigger...and i cant stand it....but there is the flip side yes i feel intrinsicly GROSS...but i also DO NOT want this ED. i need to be 100% completely healthy and ED free or ass wipe could use it against me to take my kids and ahhh that aint gonna happen! so options...feel horendously bad about myself...and eat despite it and ensure all body parts work properly (aka heart) or fake it continue to lose wieght... and risk things not being well with said organ and risk being stuck on cardiac unit...and then ofcourse risk the the threats of ass wipe taking away MY beautiful yet highly sickly children...duh...its a no brainer...but crappy crappy it freaking hard!

so heres what i need help with...the freaking thoughts...that are attacking my very survival....i know i have been downplaying the large role my ED has been playing in my lack of intake but you know what its time quit my bullshit...get my ass on track and eat some freaking breakfast ( just to point out... I AM EATING 3 times a day just clearly NOT enough) the meal are to small and I am skipping complete food groups but I AM eating..so really this shouldnt be to hard right??

bad thoughts that are bombarding me since I was officially told my weight loss has ow gone to far.."MUST BE LOWER AT EVERY WIEGH IN" ( theres one tomorrow) and YES I am freaking...but I need to realize that even if I follow my complete MP (even with the 2 boosts) it is NOT possiable to even gain a ounce...reality chheck...I am on a mp to keep me alive NOT make me fat...get it TARA GET IT!!! wake up smell the boost and for god sakes just freaking DRINK IT!!!!

ps funny story...okay no time to write it now cause babys freaking out...just now its funny..I tell you later it involves sister...her hair...and yeah FIRE!...are you on the edge of your seats yet...

Love you all and HAPPY HEALTHY NEW YEAR!!!

Tara