Im sorry

I know that, that does not even begin to say what i mean...meaning i am sorry for leaving you all hanging thinking bad thoughts like maybe she is in the hospital or dead or something...I mean really the way my last 2 weeks have been going I might have been better off dead...seriously things have been ummmm shit-tastic!!!

The kids have started school...all is well there...they love school...I have been sticking to a quite a strict scheduale....and they have been doing better...BUT the weekends come and all hell breaks loose like no structure...crazy choas...mosters fighting and yelling and wreaking havoc on my sanity...which i might say is ina very fragile place right now...like yesterday I had a serious meltdown cause my 3 not just 2 but 3 children decieded to take ALL thier clothes all of there drawers and throw tehm around thier rooms...so yeah I FLIPPed...I mean I spent all week doing approximently 35 loads of laundry washing drying and putting away everything that we all own and they singly handedly destroyed all my hard work in about 5 minutes...so yeah maybe my lamictal had a momentary laspe in working and I flipped...and threw a toy against the wall ... no one was there except me and my anger... I dont know why i got so angry but I did and I felt terriable and of course that affected my food but I digress...you know what apon pondering my anger it was most likely directed at my husband who has although not in the last week been a ass has ofcourse had his moments ...to the point that a week ago I was SERIOUSLY thinking about filieng for divorce...like for reals...but we are going to marriage counceling and hopefully we will figure stuff out...

So anyway ...to top off my tremendoully wonderful two weeks I wrecked my car on friday...like with all three kids in the car...I rear ended some really nice dude on my way to bringing the kiddies to school...so maybe that was why I was so angry....things have been a mess and my desire to write has been nil...but now that I am writting... I thinkI will be writting allot more...cause I have allot more to say...i have to get ready for church but I have not even begun to explain how crazy the last 2 weeks have been...guess its a good reason NOT to stop blogging cause man have I got allot to catch you guys up on...but I must end on a positive note...tTHE 3.5 hours of me and baby time has been TERRIFIC!!!!! we laugh and tickle and read and it stupendous!!!

okay my sweet lovelies I have missed you so and whether you like it or NOT I am back and will catch up on all your lovely lives a bit later today...just thought I would let you know I have not been eaten by lions ...at least not yet although that might be in the realm of possiabiltys seeing the direction my karma has been going ...

Love you all Tara

A decision!!!

okay my internet shit the bed yesterday...so sorry I wasnt around but i did do allot of thinking....starting in january I am GOING BACK TO SCHOOL!!!!

early childhood education....as you all know I LOVE KIDS... want em...need em...love em...gotta have em...

SO I am going to teach them!!! I am SOOOOO excited!!!! like for reals, havent felt this good or confident about anything in a LONG LONG LIKE FOREVER TIME!!

I will start slow... a class or two on the either the weekends (if I am watching that baby) or early afternoon a couple days a week if i am not...I CANT WAIT!!!


am I nervous..ummm yeah...I mean every time I went to collage i was forced with a medical withdrawel cause of stupid things like passing out and what not....but NOT anymore... I am in recovery and part of Recovery is thinking about the ummmmm....FUTURE....something i have NOT allowed myself to think about...even for a second...but here I am thinking about the future.

I really am SOOOOOOOOOO excited, I cant beleive it... I couldnt even email S my decision ysterday cause ummm NO INTERNET....I mean we talked about it but it was just talk.... NOW I AM SURE... guess Ill suprize her tomorrow...

okay yesterday was a shit day...starting right after my Pdoc appointment...walked out to a flat tire....so yeah my day went great from there...Ill spare you the details...just know that even if my internet wasnt dead i probally would nt have been around anyway cause I after sitting on my bum for 2 hours waiting for mike to get there and then the fixing of the tire...i had to run around like an idiot trying to get stuff done like Alyssas physical...where after I had a melt down cause they told me she is bordering on being overwieght...yes she a little chubby (very little) but she is built like a rock...lots of muscle and big boned..BMI s dont take any of that into consideration...anyway...i had a momentary flip out, ran to the store to buy all "healthy" food and teh whole time imagined what would happen if I tried to control my daughters food...ie shell bee IP by 9 cause Eds run in my family and Ill give her a nervous breakdown...so i collected myself...kinda... and decieded to just offer her better food choices..I needed to do that anyway...BUT I WILL NOT MAKE HER NOR I NUTS OVER THIS!!!

okay I mean you have all seen her ...she s NOT fat...right??? and even if she were...there are worse things she could be...like a childhood serial killer or freak it...she could be really sick like with something bad... like cancer...not just bordering on bordering being overwieght...

okay Ill leave now cause Iam working myself up...did I mention I am going to school...eyes on the prize Tara...eyes on the prize!!!

love you all

tara