Its late august and I am sat here not sure where or what to do, I haven't taken my boards yet cause well I haven't even applied for them yet. the application is sitting on my table filled out and ready to go but i havent sent it in, not sure...maybe fear of failure is holding me back. I need to apply it takes 4 weeks to get a test date and I need a job by October. I'm sad. I'm lonely. my kids are tortured by their minds. Alyssa threatened to kill herself 2 weeks back so now shes on meds again. Zacks bipolar is rearing its ugly head so he may be back to more meds soon and me well I'm just lost.I drink to much. I starve all day and binge at night, I look like a pig and dream dreams of my anorexic days. I just want my family to be happy again. Since Mike died the kids are just in pain, different, never happy, lost and broken, he took a part of them that day he died a part I don't know how to get back...he stole my peace of mind, their peace of mind, they believe that I will die soon too. and sadly if they weren't here I would wish it too. I know I'm depressed cause thoughts of leaving this world come all to frequently. Its hard to breath sometimes. I need to cry but I just get angry instead and then hate myself for yelling at the kids although believe they deserve it. They hurt each other and I am at a lose at how to stop them....from spiraling even further down the path of destruction they are already on. We have no peace, not even in sleep, cause they don't unless they are all piled into bed with me and then of course i don't sleep, I'm not really sure where to turn from here, I feel so lost and empty and sad and I cant stand whom I have become, school gave me purpose and now I just float through the day waiting for the darkness to fall so we can go to bed. I know I need to pick up the broken pieces and put them back together but its like I cant find them all so there is always that missing slot. I pray things will get better but I really see no hope of that happening. I just want to feel happy again, and it was stolen two and a half years ago...will we ever be whole again? I pray we will but I fear it may never happen. I know circumstances are what they are and its up to me to make the best of what we have but I feel just so powerless to do it, this cant be all there is in life right? Its just right now it feels that it is...I guess I just need to buck up...I'm just to tired to try.
Love, Tara
