Scared

that its become so easy to just not eat, to ignore hunger ball day til it becomes nil, til the emptiness becomes safe and comforting and til eating the next day seems pointless, futile a waste of time, half a meal and a couple drinks has become the norm, I fudge my food journal, unless I have done well, I dont want my tx team to think Im not trying, because I do, the extra calories come from night eating, which happens usually after numerous days of not eating...and the cycle continues...where will I be in a month or 2, I know this the route to the hospital,medical or phyc, either way I dont want , my kids cant handle it, I can not and will not do that to them, why is it so hard to ignore my feelings and do what is right, am I in complete denial of how ill I am...S says so.I dont want people around and when I am I make sure Im not sober, I ignore phone calls and textsI dont even answer my door if someone knocks...my world is my kids, the gym, the grocery store and target and the many appointments I/we attend each week...Im afraid of what I am becomeing, but I cant reach out to family and friends, they will think I have failed...hell, I think I have, I need something, bigger then me, God can you hear me?? Im so afraid.