Zack I think for about 3.5 hrs forgot about everything but fun, it was a beautiful day. He was surrounding by about 20 friends, swimming, bouncing on a 30ft, bounce and slide ( water sprays out the top so when you run and slide...you slide 30 ft, down on your belly into the other end of the bounce wall) eating cotton candy ( yes I rented a cotton candy machine learned how to use it...thinking my next job will be at a carnival :) ) opening gifts and eating cake...he just ran around and played..he had fun, we all did.
It was a very good day thrown in amoung to many bad ones, but as the last guest left, reality hit him, his saddness and anger was back...and he uttered these words "I dont have a dad, I dont care mommy...I dont care who you find, I just want a dad.." and my heart broke again for 500th time over the last 5 months.
Fun is all well and good, but if I could heal his heart I would give every penny I have....just to see my boy smile at the sun....just because...well its there.
Tara
I love you Zack, I will forever do what I can to see you happy again...one day you feel peace and joy just because...and until then..I will do whatever it takes.
Love, Mom
12 comments:
I'm glad Zach had a great day! Will you do everything for Zach to be happy? This would include never restricting, purging, over exercising, living in the moment rather then wishing life to be over. I'm not saying it will be easy but you must lead by example. You can show those kids how to live life with no regrets. You need to reassure them that you will never leave them.The gift of a mom living is what they need to see. No regrets! No wishing away tomorrow but living like it was your last. Oh What did their therapist say about the big brother thing?
I'm glad that Zach had a good day too. I can imagine that hearing him say what he did, is just a horrible thing to hear when you can't take it away and make it better for him. I hope you both feel a little better soon. I know that is easy to say but pain, even emotional pain, can't maintain a horrible stage forever, it will ebb and flow. I am thinking of you!
~Sarah~
Sarah,
I appreciate your comment but unfortunately you missed the point, perhaps its because you are so stuck in your eating disorder you assume that everyones unhappiness is caused from an ED, but as you are well aware of I have not exercised let alone over exercised in 2 and a half yrs, I have not purged in 11.5 months and I have not restricted in 3.5 months, my eating disorder dare I say is under control at least behavior wise...and well wishing my life (our life) to be over happens less and less but it still a very real fact that my husband, my childrens father took his life and it is EXTREMELY painful, every one has thier own burdens to bare but ours is one that at times seems unbareable....I have no regrets, I wish things have been different, but I can not change what has happened...perhaps you might want to read your words and take them to heart....you dont live your life because you are to busy waiting around for what it is you think you really want...Im sorry if this seems hatsh but really this post was to show my sons birthday, and express his as well as my emotion, it nothing to do with my eating disorder, nor does his pain at the moment..in the past yes, but we are'nt living there are we???
Sairs (sarah)
my last comment was not directed towards you ,we posted at the same time, thankyou very much for your comment...yes "ebb and flow" thats what I am praying for...and thankyou for seeing the point to this post...my son.
Whoa Zena: I was just saying that is what you need to continue doing if you want Zach to remain Happy. Yes alot of damage was done in the past but this post was about moving forward at all times. I was hoping that you seeing it can be done would bring you hope. I am not stuck in mine the way you are thinking. I'm not arguing that point. It just seems like you are so defensive. What is that about? Judging me??? Hmm think I better go back and count the times in the past months that you have given up? It seems like every other post is about your n telling you you need to gain weight or you not wanting to go, stating that you lost weight, etc. You are not in your range last I knew. So what are you trying to prove to who? You don't have to prove anything to me. I was just saying it becomes more possible all the time when you lead by example. I think the key is living in the today. I'm not waiting for anything that I know of. It's funny I was talking with Lydia(someone who I see many times a week and knows my ed) I told her what you were saying about me. She was like that is so untrue. I'm sorry she is doing that. Judging.
Just a quick fact July 1st wasn't 3.5 months ago and Aug 6 wasn't either. Anyways just want the kids to be happy. I know what that's going to take. I got the intent of the post. It was about Zach. That was the first thing I said. Think you took the comment wrong.
I didnt take anything wrong ...what pissed me off was you taking a post about my child and turning it into a post about my eating disorder...clearly we were both just going through my old posts...and your right on those 2 days I did talk about restricting and I may have ( i really cant remember) put off eating to long...but since the end of may I have followed my mp ( the increased one that I was on, so yes I am in my range, right in the middle actually) I guess the problem lies that I know you ...and I know your behaviors and how entrenched in your ED you are, I m not judgeing you, its just the facts as you state them to me...and you know I guess I am angry at other things as well, things you have told me that you were planning , knowing what i have just been through, it angers me to no end that someone you claims to be my friend and then could put such horrendous worry onto me...maybe part of it, is (as S as stated) I no longer sit by and watch, I say what I am thinking/feeling now. Since M died, I dont bother waiting or holding things in, life is to short, and honostly it really feels ( because I do read what you write) that you just dont care about life, that you dont care enough to fight for it, and that considering how short, uncertain, and precious life is...its just something I can not accept...and your friend, if shes to blind to see the truth about how ill you are and your lack of action, well Im very sorry...because right now you need to act, and while yes I need support, no one needs to worry that I wont fight, because I always do..no matter what the circumstances...and Im actually really sorry this is all be said on my blog, but I feel its the only way I can communicate with you right now...you dont seem to hear my words so i need it here where i can go back and see what it is i actually said.
I'm not sure what you are getting at with something else I keep on saying????? Remember blogs are feelings in the moment and aren't the whole picture. You can talk to my either texts or phone. Thing is you don't. I didn't know you were upset with me because for days you didn't answer text. As for friend she sees me fighting everyday. You don't. Think I'm going to leave it there. Again you did take the first statement wrong, well yes it is about your kids being happy and they can't have that if they don't have a healthy mom.
From the mouths of babes. You know that even if you went out and found a guy right away it will not replace dad right? He thinks it will but that's a childs thoughts.
Sorry I know you do but I know that heart breaks for them not having a father there. I know that you know you can't just throw a new person in there.
I have no idea what to tell you about the emptyness (yeah I can't spell that word) that is inside you guys now. I wish I could help more.
I love the idea of working at a carnival. I LOVE contton candy.
Sarah,
after this I will leave it alone...I AM HEALTHY!!! damit, healthier then I have been in 7 yrs...so for someone to keep saying that s what it will take to sesure my kids happiness pisses me off, I ts a given that I must stay that way but insinuate that Im not healthy now, really really gets me...and sarah I am not referring to your blog only but texts as...perhaps if you wanted me to see you as anything but sick you might include that in your texts but all you talk about is wanting to lose, how you cant eat, how much you exercise...etc...do you really in all honosty think that is healthy for anyone...you as well as me...I do my best to try to live outside of ED, this blog and Therapy are the only places that I ever talk about my ED, and the reason why??? I need to create a life out side of my eating disorder, I need to create my own identity...and I am.
David,
Darling unless you want to come up here and be thier daddy it aint happening any time soon, no worries on that...and we will be okay...eventually...its the process that sucks!!
I know that. It's just the way my warped mind works. They need X so you go and get Y. My problems are not all with food. Gotta love the whole black and white thinking. My shrink is trying to get me to live in the grey. I think that's why she wanted me to get a cat. The cat acts different all the time, I hate changes! Well not if you're eating a chicken breast, then she is your best friend.
Ok its not all I talk about in my texts. It's more like how are the kids? I don't think I've even mentioned exercising since ummm end of June. Most of my texts have been how are you, I'm getting this for your kid? Lyrics etc. There are a few but heck it happens. Just like you can be doing so good and a few posts ago wanting to skip the team and give up. We both aren't perfect. I think you and I are both thinking the worse of the other but you did say your dress was falling off and your team was upping because you were losing. I don't know what you mean by insinuating anything. Recovery isn't the key to being happy but it will keep you healthy and being able to be an adult to the kids. I know it won't take away the pain. Nothing can or will take away the pain of losing Mike. Good luck with the house.
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