I'm not making any resolutions...

Its pointless to say Im going to live totally ED free, and do X, Y, Z for this year and forever, so what I am going to do is say that Im going to do what I can, minute by minute, meal by meal, Im making small steps, I can make it 2 days in row without purging, and I have lessened the exercise, most likely because I feel like royal shit, I'm sure its partly related to my ED, and also because I have picked up a virus.  Its positive though to be able to not go for a run when Im sick, I would have normally just heavily medicated myself and went anyway and most likely got even sicker, I do need to go tomorrow after clinical but hopefully I will be feeling better.

Its hard a bit  though, I was extremely triggered by a girl on FB that I was in tx with, she literally stated the amount of weight she lost, and its allot, she is in medical hospital right now and is allowed to have her phone and computer, I'm not sure if she realizes how triggering it is to hear that someone has lost such a large amount of weight. I didnt comment, but she showed pics and it was just not needed, by myself and im sure others,.

I want this to be a year that I make long lasting changes, not go to tx get all gung ho and then crash, small steps is what I need, in my own enviroment, as long as im moving forward, it shouldnt matter the pace.  I know if I dont move forward I will die, my body cant take what it used to, Im already have some heart and GI issues so I just need to keep going, eat the food, not throw it up, and exercise what feels good for my body not what ED demands, the world wont crumble if I run 4 miles instead of  8, in fact Im sure that 4 miles is a perfectly nice amount of miles to run, very healthy I bet, so tomorrow, thats what Im going to run, and im not going  to eat less because of it, Im just going to except it and know my body will thank me for it.

I m not feeling well so I have about 30 min so I can rest t hen I have work for school to do, so you know what, Im going to lay down, and my body will thank me for it, Im sure.

Happy New Year everyone, and remember its not a sprint, its a marathon, the finish line is the goal and its going to take time to make sure it lasts but oh its going to feel so good when I finally reach that red tape, anything worth having is worth fighting for!!!

Love, Tara

untitled

Im not sure I can do this anymore. Its all to much. To much pressure. Im not used to being responsible financialy, to be going to school so that I can get a real job, I couldnt get out of bed, not til after 12, sure I got up to get the kids breakfast but it was hell then I layed back down, I called my pdoc at 11:30 last night feeling very manic, she told me to take extra risperdol, and hence I was snowed this morning I was also up til 2:30 in the morning, I have laundry to do, and drug cards, and a final on thursday and clinical tomorrow and tuesday, and I dont know when I will get to wrap presents, and I wish I could go run, I feel weak and I keep having dizzy spells, I havent purged since tuesday, K scared me, and it takes me white knuckeling most days, I bought a yoga video, havent done it yet, but I will try to, Im very depressed, with boughts of brief mania thrown in for fun, I hate that I have such disordered food issues, I hate food and its power over me, I hate that I have dug my own hole again, I hate that I am 500 pounds at least it feels that way, I hate that my kids do nothing but fight and zack blames everything on me, he rages at me all the time and most days I just want to run away, I hate that he killed himself, I hate that I am single parent and really hate that I hate my life, because its no way to live, Im not sure how I will make it through the week, Im actually not sure how I will make it through the day, im just so completely overwhelmed and just well sad, and the hard part is I cant curl into a ball, I actually have things that need to get done, and somehow I have to muster the strength to actually them., sorry so pathetic but I needed to write and be honost with myself causes im dying inside

Tomorrow never comes

every night before I go to bed I tell myself I will start tomorrow. Tomorrow I will follow my mp. Tomorrow I wont purge. Tomorrow I wont run to much. Tomorrow I wont Binge and then vomit...its always tomorrow, today was pretty bad Ed wise and I didnt realize how bad it was til I nearly passed out in the bathroom at the restaurant we took my kids so that they could get ice cream after thier christmas musical (which was awesome by the way, Isaiah was in it for the first time and he was just sooooo cute)., I had coffee this morning, school all day, ran 8 miles, target shopped, took some laxitives, showered and went to thier play for 7, around 9 my face felt hot, I had floaters in my eyes and felt unsteady, I literaly felt my face go from hot to drain into a cold, clamy state. Im exhausted. I will be up all night because the laxitives will kick in around 2 in the morning, so TOMORROW I will feel even worse, I hate the tomorrows, the what will be's. Will I be ED good or normal people good, can I recover for good, or will the next 18 years of tomorrows be like the last 18, will I even make it that long...Im filled with such hatered for myself, The only reason I took the laxitives was to cause myself physical pain, I promised K I wouldnt purge until I see her Wed, she laid into me and gave me a really graphic description of what could happen to my kids if they were to find me passed out in a pile of vomit, I never think it will be me, but it could be, it could be me, so I found a new way to hurt myself.  Im trying to make a life for the kids, but killing myself in the process, my girl Bella suggested "that I might be afraid if things go right" and she might be right, cause really my life has been a train wreck for the last 15 years, abusive relationships, drug and alcohol abuse, ED, abusive marraige, husbands suicide, its always been something, and now Im taking some control over the direction, but Im also sabatoging it, I dont know whats going to happen, I really dont, but I do know that Tomorrow is going to come whether I like it or not, and its up to me what Im going to do about it.