Friday, December 16, 2011
Tomorrow never comes
every night before I go to bed I tell myself I will start tomorrow. Tomorrow I will follow my mp. Tomorrow I wont purge. Tomorrow I wont run to much. Tomorrow I wont Binge and then vomit...its always tomorrow, today was pretty bad Ed wise and I didnt realize how bad it was til I nearly passed out in the bathroom at the restaurant we took my kids so that they could get ice cream after thier christmas musical (which was awesome by the way, Isaiah was in it for the first time and he was just sooooo cute)., I had coffee this morning, school all day, ran 8 miles, target shopped, took some laxitives, showered and went to thier play for 7, around 9 my face felt hot, I had floaters in my eyes and felt unsteady, I literaly felt my face go from hot to drain into a cold, clamy state. Im exhausted. I will be up all night because the laxitives will kick in around 2 in the morning, so TOMORROW I will feel even worse, I hate the tomorrows, the what will be's. Will I be ED good or normal people good, can I recover for good, or will the next 18 years of tomorrows be like the last 18, will I even make it that long...Im filled with such hatered for myself, The only reason I took the laxitives was to cause myself physical pain, I promised K I wouldnt purge until I see her Wed, she laid into me and gave me a really graphic description of what could happen to my kids if they were to find me passed out in a pile of vomit, I never think it will be me, but it could be, it could be me, so I found a new way to hurt myself. Im trying to make a life for the kids, but killing myself in the process, my girl Bella suggested "that I might be afraid if things go right" and she might be right, cause really my life has been a train wreck for the last 15 years, abusive relationships, drug and alcohol abuse, ED, abusive marraige, husbands suicide, its always been something, and now Im taking some control over the direction, but Im also sabatoging it, I dont know whats going to happen, I really dont, but I do know that Tomorrow is going to come whether I like it or not, and its up to me what Im going to do about it.
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2 comments:
Oh dear, I read this and I hear such heartbreak in your words. That concept of perhaps being afraid of being okay sounds like a pretty good one to be considering. I know that a LOT of people with depression are afraid of being happy because they don't know what its like, its not "normal" for them. Once they get past that hurdle they do great but it does take some time.
I just want to say, you're worth a lot more then the pain and suffering and abuse you've experienced and put your body through. You're kids are worth more than all of that also.
Stop with the tomorrows and start with the "right now". Not even "today I will.." but "Right now i will eat this, not run this etc etc..." All RIGHT NOW. You CAN do this, you DO have the strength because you've managed to survive the past 18 years so you CAN overcome all of this.
You andyour kids are worth health and happiness, its not as scary as it seems.
love you xo
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