so ...

I am leaving wildwood today, the kids had a great time and I will post pics ( like in a couple posts to show you there coolness) and dont get me wrong I DID have a good time, but I would be lieing if I said there wasnt this enormous hole in my heart the entire time, I felt it the first night we were here about 9 pm watching the sun set on the beach, the kids were slpashing in the water, running and jumping and digging in the sand, and I sat there half in the water and began to openly sob, I looked to the sky as the tears ran down my face and just could not believe he was gone, and the incrediable aloneness just didnt go away...at the waterpark, the boardwalk, the amusement park, at breakfast, lunch, dinner, the beach the pool, there was the huge hole that just wouldnt go away...I think I hid it pretty well, the kids didnt know how sad I was and thats not to say I didnt have fun, but well that huge hole was there and it just wouldnt go away...

I suppose that it didnt help that there were so many famlies there and by families I mean "complete" families, mom, dad, kids...etc... and its really amazing at how many people just ask you ( not out of meanness or anything, maybe becasue I still wear my rings) where daddy? or say... what?? your husband should be helping with you with them. or, are they all yours, you need some help, tell there dad to get over here and help you! mostly I would just nod and smile, but it just made the hole bigger...we were in one store on the boardwalk, it was getting late, and they were over tired, looking for boogie boards, one would go one way and the other the other way, and one of the owners said to them "you better listen to your mommy...you dont want her to have to tell your daddy..." Zack just looked at him and was like "hes dead, but she cn tell him if she wants..." sigh

its been almost 4 months...im pretty sure i will be alone forever because i will never be able to give my hole self to someone else...and so the aloneness just gets bigger...i miss him so much, i can not describe to you the ache in my heart, the fustration in my being, that it is true, i am alone, I am an only parent which really seems so much different then a single parent...

If only I could turn back time...

sorry....just had to get it out...

a happy post to come soon...hope you all had a GREAT week!!

Love, Tara

Wildwood here we come!!

The kids and I will be leaving for our Trip to wildwood tomorrow..its like a 6 to 7 hour drive ( with 3 kids 7 and under and just me) BUT I cant wait, to get outa here, to just hang out and be with my kids, to chill by the beach, head to ALL the amusement parks ( you can buy one ticket at a special price for each person and go to all the amusement/water parks on Motrie peir) So thats what we are doing, YEAH!!!!The resort we are staying at is called The port Royal Hotel,http://portroyalhotel.com if you want to check out where we will be chilling :) and The Boardwalk, Yeah, I have never been so I pretty excited...This trip also has special meaning, I mean we could went anywhere, flown somewhere exotic, but Mike and I had always planned on taking the kids there, its where he spent many a summers as a child and he wanted them to experiance what he did...The kids know Daddy went there allot when he was kids , but they dont know about how we had made plans to take them there when Isaiah turned 3, well now hes 3 so I m taking them, it will in part be bittet sweet...I think I will take some time out for a couple hours one day and go to the beach myself ( they have activites that you can enroll the kids in for a few hours so you can have some adult time, so they will have fun and I can well just reflect some)

It was the same with The indoor water park, we had always planned to take them...everything when Isaiah turned 3 so they could all enjoy it...Hes missing allot, but I think he would be happy knowing I am carrying out our plans...

Not to be a downer but I think its super hard right now because I am so conflicted by so many things, he hurt me allot, but I loved him and always had hope he would change, he worked so hard but we never had any money, he spent allot on alcohol, and I had so many medical bills...allot of money "diappeared" but thats a whole different story with allot of assuptions so I wont go there...and NOW, my hope has been shattered, he will never be back, and now I have money ( Not like Im a millionare but enough, a hell of allot more then I ever had when he was here) Allot of the time it feels like blood money, but I know he did what he did ( before he died) to provide for us, I dont spend the money on me, I spend it on doing things with/for the kids ( with the exception of the car, but we all needed that cause mine was getting dangerous and sucking heaps of money from me)...anyway I suppose this should all be in a different post...

I am so looking foward to getting away, fun, sun, my kids what more could a girl ask for...and you know what Im actually looking foward to the food, I hear they have GREAT seafood, as its right by the water and I love seafood especially fresh, cooked the way I like, plus as wierd as it is I usually eat better when Im not at home, I dont know what it is, different atmoshere...I feel less pressure, and Im not labeled by anyone who doesnt know as the sick chic!!!

So we wil be back Friday night late, and even though I rarely comment anymore I read ALL your blogs regularly so even if you dont know it I will miss you all greatly.

So my computer does things backwards and even though I wrote this all first Im sure the pics will come up first, then the post, anyway I am putting up somem pics...FINALLY of our trip to Lake george...

Love always Tara

I am frozen

I cant breath

I cant move

my sister will be here in 7 minutes to pick me up to go for her fittings and one of mine...

I need to brush my teeth

Im going to try to wiggle out of my dress fitting for a few more weeks...

I have the dress got it last week

its to big

I just want it to fit PERFECTLY, I dont want to make any changes because I chose not to eat for a month and am still trying to get back to where I was

Its her day

not mine


if my dress is to big she will worry, I dont want her to worry

and its a wedding

my boy is dead and she is beginning her life

I dont begrudge her

Im just so broken

She wants just her and I to go, so we can just get some time alone together

she wants to get dinner after...it will be about 8pm, kinda late for dinner...but I have been "saving" for it all day so...

she will want some drinks too

That I am okay with, at least the food will go down easier.

Please Lord dont let me lose it when I see her in her gown, dont dear lord let me have a flash back to my wedding leaving me in heaps on the floor..

Let this be ALL about her..

okay, GET UP TARA AND GO BRUSH YOUR TEETH, its okay just go do it

Brush your hair

put on your shoes...

You will be okay, meds are in the bag

okay breath Tara, you are okay

get unstuck

The dinner will be good, if you werent going you wouldnt eat because its 6 now and you know you would just go to bed hungry so this is good you need the food, its going to be okay...

come on tara...shes here...GO BRUSH YOUR TEETH!!

Breath...she s yelling my name...

Go, do this for her...go on...go...

okay...okay

breath

okay I m getting up RIGHT NOW!!

pray for me im in like high panic mode, and I dont want her to know..

shit here she comes

gotta go

do not want this seen

love you all