I am flipping out

I am getting wieghed by K today and i am FLIPPING!!!!!!


Help me calm down


FUCK


this sucks i want to have lost but at the same time i dont wnat to have cause i dont want my running privalges to be taken away

crap...


okay breath


Im not eating today til after my wiegh in...i ate yesterday and lost more wieght...WTF....maybe I should drink allot of water before I go...WOWSER ,... thats sounds very disordered...why am I losing if I am eating...I mean i wieghed on a full stomach it should not have been lower then the day before...and I had clothes on...oh and I talked to K about the gown thing and she doesnt have any...shes liek we are not wieghing ounces here...i just need to keep track...shes gonna think i am a heffer...Im not running til 4 today so i will have wet hair when i go...maybe that will do the trick....shit i am freaking out...

ITS JUST A NUMBER....I AM NOT A NUMBER


love, Z

Seems to be going around...

well you all know how I saw doc A this week and I was down and she went on about the brain matter eating itself and stuff...and yes i nodded cause well what else could i do...but she also said and heres teh part where i start to panic...that K needs to keep closer tabs on my wieght..ie..wieghing me weekly...now for good reason we dont do that..

1) DOc A does it once a month

2) I fucking FLIP

3) I panic

4) I cry and kick and scream and all sorts of nasty ass thoughts go through my head...like


FAT FUCKER

and

NASTY PIG

and the idea of one more person knowing how fat i am freaks me out even though she my N...and i love and trust her completely, but shit why does this have to be, I am freaking out, that I must be lower tehn I was on Tuesday when Doc. A wieghed me and will Doc A talk to K and will they know it went down even more and will she think wow thats a real high number to be so concerned and and and like WOW she is WAY to F@T to have a fucking eating disorder let alone a severe one WTF...


Its just a scale

but I am in a panic

I don t want to be wieghed with clothes on ( not that I want to be wieghed naked...lol...) but in a gown the same gown every time like at DOc A s
so now i will have to wear the same outfit to Ks every week for fear that one outfit may wiegh more then another OMG the fear and panic this is provoking in me is freaking ridiculous..she left me a message today that S called her...and they talked about me being down and what is a safe acceptable wieght for me to be at and how to make the scale LESS scary..well fuck guys i dont know if that s possiable...

SHIT I AM FREAKING OUT AND ITS NOT TIL WENESDAY AT %%%% 5:30...oh and its not in the morning so i will wiegh more if I eat durning the day so not only will this be a complete disaster cause I have to weighed at all but now Ill be triggered to starve.ugh.GREAT

Z