the deal

I want so bad to write an uplifting post where everyone is like go Z you rock, your gonna kick this thing and finally win the war, but really I dont think i can. Not that i couldnt write a happy post but it would be all bullshit and this is my blog so whats the point of writting a bunch of bullshit anyay. ....I feel like since i wrote the bitch fest on my kiddos everyones mad at me, liek teh only people who understood that it was a pure vent were teh chics who actually had kids and know how fustrating tehy can be whether you have an Ed or not...well since tehn I have been laying down teh law something i rarely do cause i feel so guilty for having an Ed, i let tehm get a way with murder....but I have been more strict lately and not yelling as much...I just simply tell it like it is and sometimes they listenand sometimes tehy get puninished thats just the way it is.

Its been raining allot here so I think that is making me depressed...random thought..but I might be doing PHP over the summer, M is going to work the night shift for three months ( which means he CANT drink) yeah!!!! which means he will be home for 2 out of 3 meals instead of none( hes never home for dinner cause he works OT)which might help me out but i dont know...anyway i might be doing PHP when the kids finish school, I dont know I dont know if I should even bother will it even help me this will be my third summer spent in tx, my third summer spent away from or without my kids do you know how bad that makes me feel...Do you guys even know, i mean I love my kids so much and it sucks and now i am freaking crying guys things just suck so bad.

I have to get labs done ...my pdoc is sending me cause she is worrying about me so now I have her worrying about me too...great I am sick of every one worrying about me, really i am. And I know the way to stop having people worry about me is to just eat but I cant I just cant, something is holding me back. what the fuck it is i cant tell you...but its something.

My grandmother is sick the only thing that is keeping her heart beating is her pacemaker which makes me very sad, cause I lost my grandfather a year and a half ago and now i just couldnt bear it if she dies too, I know she wants to but cant she live for us I mean we need her...really I live for other people, so why cant she?? AM I just being selfish...yeah most likely but I dont want her to die, I dont!!

So the deal i bet you are all thinking what the hell is the deal...well really I dont know, the deal is i am fasting til I cant take it anymore...i need to numb the pain of everything and thats the only way I can deal with it...pain of what i dont know..but it all hurt sjust so much I cant bare it much more.

Love, Z