hey there folks well ...I did it I confronted my father on a lot of shit and I put it out there that he has boundary issues and that he touches me in ways that are inappropriate and you know what no one died...I feel okay...not great but okay. S said I did a great job, she put her hand on my shoulder in a very comforting way and said I am so proud of you...it felt good and motherly and supportive, the session I think could not have gone better, hes even going to come back in 6-8 weeks..get ready for the freak out again:)
S gave me this little art kit for my recovery tool box, it has pastels and paper and pencils and its pretty cool, all in its own little case..she rocks!!!
He still lied about allot of stuff and I knew I wasnt going to get all the answers I wanted but I think I was heard and thats what is/was important. WE talked about how he treated me different then my sisters how at age 8 I was made the go between for him and my mother. we talked about my need to make everything perfect and to put it in a neat little box and spare it from any pain...its what i tryed to do as a child and what I still try to do now with my ED.
containment
its a very strong word
I try to contain all my feelings in my Eating disordered little box, like they are mine and no one else can see or know about them...but today I let some of them out and it feels okay...raw but okay, I am dealing and i will not engage in symptoms today, i will not.
I had my labs drawn today ...heres hoping all is well cause I have a little girl spending the night with A and it would be terrible if they wanted me to go to the hospital..we wont even think that way...NO NO NO.
you know I said I feel okay but as I write this I am feeling increasingly raw and not nurtured, like a scared, lost little child trying to make my way out of a deep dark forest, possibly its because I just had lunch my first meal kept down in a while and I am refusing to give into urges...but I feel raw.
S made me feel safe i want to go back there and feel that safety of her hand on my shoulder, but I cant but ohhh how I want to. To feel that kind of safety is few and far between...how can I get more of that in my life without S, how can I feel that safety outside of her office...that is the question of the hour??
okay well I got 4 kiddos running around I should probably tend to them...
Love, Z
Showing posts with label dad. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dad. Show all posts
Friday, March 6, 2009
Thursday, March 5, 2009
tomorrow is the day
can I say a big whopping flying fuck a doodle!!
tomorrow is the apt. with my dad!!!!
Iam a freaking out...
I had one good day behavior free and then you know te story the rest have sucked, I bout and took a bunch of laxatives again yesterday and of course M found out and searched til he found my stash...Its not like you can hide running to the bathroom every 15 minutes...anyway I feel like shit again today ( dehydrated) and I have so much to do...I need to make bullet points of what I am going to say tomorrow, I need to clean my disastrous as A is having a sleepover tomorrow...why clean the house before kids trash it well guess its just the OCD in me...lol...
I saw K last night and she was great although she made me sign a contract listing all the things I would and wouldnt do...one being burying the laxatives in a grave in my back yard as a symbolic thing...but cause M found them first I couldnt do that..sigh...
M keeps talking about me going back into the hospital I am flat out going to say NO on that one my kids have had enough upheaval in their life they dont need me disappearing again...no sir ree bob!!!
I was thinking bout how when I was in jr high and I was this plump Little girl with glasses and trying to make it in the world and I was thinking back as to when my Ed started ...freshman year and how that movie for the love of Nancy came out and this kid Brett said to me thats not how you got so thin is it?? and I of course answered NO!!! very emphatically knowing full well, starving was the way I lost all my weight and thus begun the cycle of restricting/binging/purging/exercising...if I could have been honest back then what would that have ment for my future??
well I dont know but thats what I have been thinking allot about lately..where could I have been had I gotten rid of this ED back then.
oh well
Z
tomorrow is the apt. with my dad!!!!
Iam a freaking out...
I had one good day behavior free and then you know te story the rest have sucked, I bout and took a bunch of laxatives again yesterday and of course M found out and searched til he found my stash...Its not like you can hide running to the bathroom every 15 minutes...anyway I feel like shit again today ( dehydrated) and I have so much to do...I need to make bullet points of what I am going to say tomorrow, I need to clean my disastrous as A is having a sleepover tomorrow...why clean the house before kids trash it well guess its just the OCD in me...lol...
I saw K last night and she was great although she made me sign a contract listing all the things I would and wouldnt do...one being burying the laxatives in a grave in my back yard as a symbolic thing...but cause M found them first I couldnt do that..sigh...
M keeps talking about me going back into the hospital I am flat out going to say NO on that one my kids have had enough upheaval in their life they dont need me disappearing again...no sir ree bob!!!
I was thinking bout how when I was in jr high and I was this plump Little girl with glasses and trying to make it in the world and I was thinking back as to when my Ed started ...freshman year and how that movie for the love of Nancy came out and this kid Brett said to me thats not how you got so thin is it?? and I of course answered NO!!! very emphatically knowing full well, starving was the way I lost all my weight and thus begun the cycle of restricting/binging/purging/exercising...if I could have been honest back then what would that have ment for my future??
well I dont know but thats what I have been thinking allot about lately..where could I have been had I gotten rid of this ED back then.
oh well
Z
Friday, February 20, 2009
So hes coming
AACCCKKKKKK
I saw S today and it went really well we talked about allot of stuff...heavy stuff dad stuff and she...WE decieded that he needs to come in for a session. To much of our time has been spent on keeping me stable and not dying and stuff like that to work on any of the real core issues...well she doesnt think I will get any more stable then I am roight now unless we work on the real stuff, SO I called and told him we wanted him to come in for a session and well he hasnt called back yet but I am sure he will come in and if not then I will X in from my life cause I have allot of questions like what the hell does he mean forgive and forget the past ...what is he talking about?? Like the way he still touches me , the long hugs the touching of my rear area..the careessing...
can I tell you guys I am scared shit less.
I am scared out of my britches and I have to have an agenda in doing this, I have to go on with both my feet planted firmly on the floor and no backing down, cause I know I just know he will cry...he will try and turn the session into a sob fest for him but S said she wont let that happen. That she is in my corner, and we will fight him together.
Its up to me how far we dig into the trauma stuff, like him just maybe admitting that he has severe boundrie issues likr maybe that will be enough for now but I cant keep avoiding him and hope that he goes away casue he doesnt seem to be going anywhere..he keeps calling and professing his love for me. Well how to you do what he did and actually love teh person or maybe that show you show love at least thats what he thinks..oui ve I am scared.
SO Alyssa left today well she gets on the plane in 15 min. for the good old state of florida. I am so nervous about her flying. I HATE PLANES!!! they crash and stuff..yuck o. but I know I cant control teh plane and I have to just trust god that all will be well...PLease god let all go well...dont let her be scared, keep her safe..and give me peace!!!
Zack has been at winter camp all week and its so cute hes having a blast ( our church puts it on)..tehy have been going to all sorts of places, bowling, jeepers, rollerskating...and well when he comes home he is so excited to tell ALyssa all about his day, they hug for like 20 min, and dont want to leave each others side...she told him she would bring him back a transformer and he was like cool kids are so cute.
Baby Isaiah, is really comeing into his own he was cracking everybody up at the airport, I gave ALyssa money and he wanted some so I gave him a dollar...he was running around the terminal area waving his dollar thinking he was all big and bad it was hysterical.
My friend A is coming over for dinner tonight and is staying til M gets home so there wont be any purging tonight!!! and I havent purged yet today and I called K and told her and she was so happy, she was like call me tomorrow and tell me how great your day goes then too...so I will, once I get one good day others seem to follow..so yeah for me on NO PURGING!!!!
M found out about purging at Ks office he was so dissapointed..I felt so sad for letting him down but like K says its in the past and I must live in the present!!! well I hope all you ladies have a great weekend I am going to make sure I do!!!
Love, Z
I saw S today and it went really well we talked about allot of stuff...heavy stuff dad stuff and she...WE decieded that he needs to come in for a session. To much of our time has been spent on keeping me stable and not dying and stuff like that to work on any of the real core issues...well she doesnt think I will get any more stable then I am roight now unless we work on the real stuff, SO I called and told him we wanted him to come in for a session and well he hasnt called back yet but I am sure he will come in and if not then I will X in from my life cause I have allot of questions like what the hell does he mean forgive and forget the past ...what is he talking about?? Like the way he still touches me , the long hugs the touching of my rear area..the careessing...
can I tell you guys I am scared shit less.
I am scared out of my britches and I have to have an agenda in doing this, I have to go on with both my feet planted firmly on the floor and no backing down, cause I know I just know he will cry...he will try and turn the session into a sob fest for him but S said she wont let that happen. That she is in my corner, and we will fight him together.
Its up to me how far we dig into the trauma stuff, like him just maybe admitting that he has severe boundrie issues likr maybe that will be enough for now but I cant keep avoiding him and hope that he goes away casue he doesnt seem to be going anywhere..he keeps calling and professing his love for me. Well how to you do what he did and actually love teh person or maybe that show you show love at least thats what he thinks..oui ve I am scared.
SO Alyssa left today well she gets on the plane in 15 min. for the good old state of florida. I am so nervous about her flying. I HATE PLANES!!! they crash and stuff..yuck o. but I know I cant control teh plane and I have to just trust god that all will be well...PLease god let all go well...dont let her be scared, keep her safe..and give me peace!!!
Zack has been at winter camp all week and its so cute hes having a blast ( our church puts it on)..tehy have been going to all sorts of places, bowling, jeepers, rollerskating...and well when he comes home he is so excited to tell ALyssa all about his day, they hug for like 20 min, and dont want to leave each others side...she told him she would bring him back a transformer and he was like cool kids are so cute.
Baby Isaiah, is really comeing into his own he was cracking everybody up at the airport, I gave ALyssa money and he wanted some so I gave him a dollar...he was running around the terminal area waving his dollar thinking he was all big and bad it was hysterical.
My friend A is coming over for dinner tonight and is staying til M gets home so there wont be any purging tonight!!! and I havent purged yet today and I called K and told her and she was so happy, she was like call me tomorrow and tell me how great your day goes then too...so I will, once I get one good day others seem to follow..so yeah for me on NO PURGING!!!!
M found out about purging at Ks office he was so dissapointed..I felt so sad for letting him down but like K says its in the past and I must live in the present!!! well I hope all you ladies have a great weekend I am going to make sure I do!!!
Love, Z
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
on my own
I have only one day left of PHP and thats thursday so i saw K last night and we made menus for today and wenesday and I am to call her per anyy problems I might have...so I just went grocery shopping and got all the goods needed to complete my mp....ekkkkk Im on my own here folks and I am a little scared..okay you got me ALLOT scared.
I ate breakfast this morning and my morning snack and I am well ahhh anxious as all hell
S emailed me yesterday and said I am to have daily goals and at times weekly goals..she not putting up with any of my crap anymore. I think this is it either I recover this time or Im fired...my greatest fear...I dont think she would fire me but you never know aIm sure after nearly 8 years she is getting a little fed up with my antics...god knows Iam fed up with myself so how could she not be.
I spoke with K about it last night ...I told her if S fires me thenI will kill myself, then I added you too ( speaking to K) I dont think I could lose my Tx team and face the world I honestly dont know how some of you do it..I NEED them to help me Recover.
M is being ubber suportive and for that I am grateful. I was fighting with the PHP people telling them I could only attend 2 days this week instead of the agreed apon 3days because I need to attend Z and As valentines day partys..whats one day going to mean anyway. So as I am fighting with the hospital M goes " dont piss them off, youll need them for next time" WTF next time. he scrambled for words and stammered well not that youll need it but incase you do...so at least he doesnt expect me to be perfect but I am refusing to go into more intensive tx unless I am dying at least not for a year...I am planning on making this work this time...really and truly for real I am done with hospitals. I need to take it off teh table and work my ass of at Recovery!!!!!
gosh I am anxious.
Iam suppossed to be trying to find myself...how does one find ones self??? hmmmm K wants me to try pottery. I did the wheel while I was IP and I loved it...so is that finding me...I read allot about you guys doing fun stuff like yoga and sewing and video games, so wouldnt pottery be a good start??? I am also supposed to be reading a book I ENJOY for 15 min a day but geez all this me time is pushing it you know...not that I have yet to have taken any of the me time...but when I do well I just wont know how to handle it.:)
I am going to try restoritive yoga. We did it in tx and It was very relaxing...not exercise just relaxing. AS Iam still not allowed to exercise and probally wont be able to for about a year or so, I just cant handle it yet and I have come to terms with it...So Z =s no exercise and Iam okay with it.
I also need to figure out what the hell I am goign to do about the dad thing...my mom keeps pestering me to tell I cant see him for 6 months but I am not so sure thats teh best answer I mean wouldnt that be just avoiding it all. The D man stopped by the other day but I wasnt home. He left me a big stuffed dog and some diapers...maybe hes trying maybe hes changed, maybe hes not teh same man he was...so many maybes.
ugh
so here Iam folks doing recovery for real on my own!!!
okay love you all
Z
I ate breakfast this morning and my morning snack and I am well ahhh anxious as all hell
S emailed me yesterday and said I am to have daily goals and at times weekly goals..she not putting up with any of my crap anymore. I think this is it either I recover this time or Im fired...my greatest fear...I dont think she would fire me but you never know aIm sure after nearly 8 years she is getting a little fed up with my antics...god knows Iam fed up with myself so how could she not be.
I spoke with K about it last night ...I told her if S fires me thenI will kill myself, then I added you too ( speaking to K) I dont think I could lose my Tx team and face the world I honestly dont know how some of you do it..I NEED them to help me Recover.
M is being ubber suportive and for that I am grateful. I was fighting with the PHP people telling them I could only attend 2 days this week instead of the agreed apon 3days because I need to attend Z and As valentines day partys..whats one day going to mean anyway. So as I am fighting with the hospital M goes " dont piss them off, youll need them for next time" WTF next time. he scrambled for words and stammered well not that youll need it but incase you do...so at least he doesnt expect me to be perfect but I am refusing to go into more intensive tx unless I am dying at least not for a year...I am planning on making this work this time...really and truly for real I am done with hospitals. I need to take it off teh table and work my ass of at Recovery!!!!!
gosh I am anxious.
Iam suppossed to be trying to find myself...how does one find ones self??? hmmmm K wants me to try pottery. I did the wheel while I was IP and I loved it...so is that finding me...I read allot about you guys doing fun stuff like yoga and sewing and video games, so wouldnt pottery be a good start??? I am also supposed to be reading a book I ENJOY for 15 min a day but geez all this me time is pushing it you know...not that I have yet to have taken any of the me time...but when I do well I just wont know how to handle it.:)
I am going to try restoritive yoga. We did it in tx and It was very relaxing...not exercise just relaxing. AS Iam still not allowed to exercise and probally wont be able to for about a year or so, I just cant handle it yet and I have come to terms with it...So Z =s no exercise and Iam okay with it.
I also need to figure out what the hell I am goign to do about the dad thing...my mom keeps pestering me to tell I cant see him for 6 months but I am not so sure thats teh best answer I mean wouldnt that be just avoiding it all. The D man stopped by the other day but I wasnt home. He left me a big stuffed dog and some diapers...maybe hes trying maybe hes changed, maybe hes not teh same man he was...so many maybes.
ugh
so here Iam folks doing recovery for real on my own!!!
okay love you all
Z
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