nine days and counting

unfortunatly I am counting...fucking everything, and over thinking EVERYthing..just had my breakfast ...banana with PB...yummo..but I didnt do the starch...well I had coffee..2 cups and counting...

everything is well counting..how many calories are passing my lips...how many days i have been symptom free...how many pounds I feel i have gained... allot..will my body every settle out at it SET POINT..and how long will that take...so afr nine days and still not settleing out, how many times I mispell a word and have to go back and retype it..so far seven and I have just begun make that eight...le sigh...SO i am a bad speller...so what ...what you gonna do about it?? Nothing I hope..maybe i should just eat the toast...or I could save it for my evening snack ...ugh i dont know ...i am not making much sense...okay...lets digress

Saw K on thursday...and she was so pleased NO SYMPTOMS..we talked about my "broken eyes" and my body image distortion....which I of course disagree...MY EYES ARE NOT BROKEN ...thankyou very much..I see everything quite clearly and I KNOW I am fat...but I am learning to deal with it...okay NOT fat HEALTHY but it FEELs fat even though fat is suppossedly NOT a feeling..it sure feels like one...blahhhh we talked about my dedication to REcovery and how well I am doing. She hugged me and gave me 2 stickers...yes I like the stickers...dont laugh..they make me feel good ...they are little smilely faces that sparkle ...yeah for things that make you feel good...baby boy just climbed on my lap to huggle and kiss...everyone say awww...i love baby hugs...so now i am typing one handed..oh the joys of mother hood. anyway we didnt wiegh cause I told ehr I would crumple to the floor an die so next week is teh big day...oh well on more week....

saw S yesterday and she knew all about how well I was doing cause mytx team talk to one another..for joys...SO because i cancelled my session on tuesday cause I was to fat we talked about body image..fun...she asked me what i liked about my self and I tried to hold it in...for reals i did,but I broke down, sobbing...there is nothing...I amfat ugly and stupid...she looked so sad and said see your eyes are very broken...I see a very beautiful girl and that made me sob even more, cause really what am i missing..why do people tell me i am pretty and I see so much uglines, we talked about feeding my soul and learning to love myself...she wrote down a list of things i need to say to myself to rebut my negative thought...oh joy again...I dont believe anything on the list but I will try maybe i will do it here later...butI dont know we are going boating and then to the beach for a BBQ ...it should be fun as long as I dont freak out over the food which most likely I wont...cause I am used to eating and as longas we eat on schedule I should be okay...

I know this was boring and all over the place but I felt like I should update..well you probally didnt care anywya but there you have it folks the life in times of my Ed appointment..yes my life is exciting...sarcasm

okay peep I am out

love you all

Z