for the last couple of weeks I have been physically sick, very sick...I went to the doctor yesterday after much fight as I loath going, ( R said he wouldnt talk to me if I didnt go and the blah blah of if you care about me you will go...wah wah) I went and I am no on antibiotics, cough syrup with codine and steriods and my lungs are sucky right now...
last week, maybe thursday, maybe wenesday, when I really strarted feeling the exhaustion of being ill, I just kinda lost my appitite, I also stopped taking my rispirdol (S knows as of yesterday and I will tell pdoc next week)...rispirdol makes me hungry, makes me eat ALOT, and slows down my metabilism, it does the same for my son, thats why he is no longer on it, it happens, its a side affect and in turn I have gained wieght, and am well DISGUSTED...its funnt how after doing well with body image (dispite the weight gain) after feeling more stable (much more) since ip in march that My ED would just slip right in again, at full force I might add...after my doctor apt yesterday, I ran some errands got my meds and took my darlings to see Mr. Poppers Penquins ( FREAKING FANTASTIC movie see it you wont be dissapointed), we got out around 7, and I hadnt anything all day by the time I got to the food court I was dizzy shakey and seeing double, bad thing in general but when you have three kids in tow its a bit scary...I finally got thier food sat them down and walked to subway...first problem they didnt have my bread ( should not be a big deal but totally was) I had to have honey oat instead of whole wheat and all I could think was "the honey in this bread probablly doubles the calories" totally irrational (I can see that now)...turkey and veg (6in)on honey oat, thats what I ate yesterday and festered on it ALL night...can you feel sick from eating and better from it all at the same time?
my concern HOW THE FUCK CAN ED JUST FALL RIGHT BACK IN AFTER AN EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME ..... REMISSION?
I can not get sick again, I have to much going on, I have a test in a week for the nursing program, I need to be on top of my game, its reality now I need to get a degree, get a life and move on.
Am I self sabatoging cause I am really scared? I have a feeling I might be, with my all or nothing thinking ( If I dont make the top 15% I am doomed to be a failure for the rest of my life)...S and I talked yesterday how there are OTHER programs, and maybe I could test again, but either way its not the end of the world.
But it feels that way, not eating should NOT be so easy, ED should fuck off, I need a reality check, and i really need you guys to tellmanage to get t me how you through stressful life situations and not fall down the rabbit hole, its time to create a new path, the old one is getting well old...Im ready but scared as hell at the same time,,,its normal right, healthy fear is normal?
yet I fear it will paralyze me and stop me in my tracks, its really not an option this time, I wont be sick anymore, yet right now I am so stuck...so torn..
Help please
Love Tara
1 comment:
Tara,
I was in a very similar situation only a few months ago. After having a year of solid recovery under my belt, I slipped right back into my E.D. with so much ease and ability it was scary. It was like my E.D. went from 0 to 100 in 1 second flat. My eating disorder switch got turned on again.
But I knew I had risen above E.D.'s lies and tricks before, and I could do it again, no matter how hard it seemed and how hopeless it seemed. All the time I was in my recovery phase hadn't been wasted. Even though I relapsed, I still wasn't at my bottom. I put in place all the things and coping skills that had helped me before, and I beat the hell out of E.D.
I'm still struggling. I just ate my dinner and I hate myself for it, but I know that is E.D. talking and the feelings will pass.
Know that you are not alone. I fell down. That didn't make me a failure. Staying down would have.
You CAN do this.
Sending safe hugs if you'll take them.
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