valentines days

I would like to write a post about how spectacular I am doing and if I wrote this 4 days ago I could have, i have could have told you I went a week following my mp and not purging, that I was okay with the affair i am having, that I wasnt depressed, or anxious, or suicidal, but that didnt last long and I am a mess again, Im sure you expected this, wish I did....wish I knew what to expect from myself ...wish I knew what I could handle, what I cant, why I dont know my own limits, Im not sure, but I do know that THIS, THIS is not working for me...I thought I could hanle this but i cant, I kiss him and long for more, he holds me and I believe it will last forever, its valentines day and I remember the past, love that is real, that lasts that holds true despite the pain and anguish, its a cold hard reminder that this is my life, one of falicities, and untruths, my husband eho knew my every waking thought is gone and I am left with someone who can not give me his all, who does not not my secrects and is not him, I ache on this day, my insides hurt to the point of burning and still I long for stolen moments to pretend, to pretend that i am whole, that I am fulfilled...to acknowledge I am a sexual being and have needs is one thing but to pretend they are being fulfilled is something completely, a different form of denial...I accept what is given to me because I dont think I deserve or cant fathom actually having something real, but Im here, living in some crazy world where what is real or so seems to be is not and I am in that world, and fuck, it bloody hurts

Tara