Seriously, as we sat outside the roller rink today, they were eating their icecream (well Zack frozen yogurt cause hes still afraid of sugar)
This is what he said:
" Do you see all these kids with thier daddys, i want one, when are you going to get married again so I can have a daddy?'
Me:"Oh...If I ever get married again, he wont be your daddy he'll be your step father but you could call him your daddy if you want to"
Alyssa pipes in " I will always hate him"
Zack: "why? dont you want a daddy to do "daddy" things with you? I want a new daddy! Mommy who can you marry now?"
Me: "it would nt be for a long time Zack, but if you wanted to call him dad you could but you wouldnt have to.
Alyssa: "I will always hate him."
Zack: " I will call him dad, I want one, one that loves me and will never leave."
Isaiah : "my daddy took me took me to chuck e cheese yesterday."
Alyssa : "no, hes dead, I dont want a new daddy!"
Me: "Alyssa, He wouldnt have to be your "new" daddy, but he would have to love you like a father loves his daughter, he would always be therefore you, you would never want that?"
Alyssa: " I dont know, he could do things with me but I wont like him."
Zack: " well if he loves me then I will love him, and he will be my daddy!"
Me: "its a long way into the future, lets just worry about US being a family, when and if there comes a time to worry about having another man in our home we will, right now lets just be okay with being us."
Zack: "okay but can you look for a daddy for us"
"
Me: not right now...Im not ready"
Zack: "when you are, can you tell me, so I can look"
Me: "I will let you know...
Alyssa: " I will hate him, but he can be my friend"
Me: "okay, so when we are ready we will talk again"
Isaiah: " I loved my daddy, but he died"
Me : " I know but hes watching over us"
Zack: " okay just tell me okay"
Me: "okay I will...."
Did I do it right? what was i supposed to say? He wants a daddy, Im thinking "BIG BROTHER" right now...God , Im so sad...
My babies...they are so lost...
what would have said?
Love, Tara
7 comments:
Hey Tara: Ugh that's a tough one. I feel for Zach. Did you ever mention the big brother thing to their therapist? Maybe Zach can find me someone. I'm ready now!lol. Really! I think you are right to focus on your family right now. I'd might have said something to Alyssa like " I understand that you love your daddy and nobody can take his place in your heart but you can make room for others to love you too." I think it was good that you told them that you wanted to focus on being a family with them right now. You know you could probably be like hmmm I should have said this or that but you don't yhave the advantage of knowing ahead of time what they are going to ask or discuss. Don't beat yourself up for how you are helping the children. I don't think there are any easy answers to their questions. Poor Isaiah? What do you think he comprehends or understands?Take care!
Wow, I can't imagine ever being able to come up with anything better...especially in the spur of the moment. Not that my opinion means much, but I think what you said was perfect because it sounds like it came from your heart and it was authentic, and that's really the best anyone can do. Kids ask some dang hard questions! Good to know though that if you're ever ready your son's got your back! Reminds me of Sleepless in Seattle :)
as hard to hear as this must have been, the open communication, the honesty from your children, and the fact that you didn't let it trigger you into an emotional response where you pushed them away or the conversation away is a beautiful thing, and from an outside perspective, it gives me even more hope for your family. I know right now finding a new partner/father figure is entirely daunting but the fact that you can have that conversation with your babies, is amazing because they still trust you and open up to you so much. Keep the communication open sweetie, and we are all sending our love to you and your babies. Wow your kids are insightful, must come from having such an amazing mother.
Much love
D
I think you did a wonderful job...and I think the difference in their ages and the way they reacted is so natural and common. You are so strong, Tara.
<3
You are doing all the right things - exactly what you can. Like Alex said... your kids are dealing in very normal age-appropriate ways. I imagine it hurts so much to hear either view, though. *hugs* You are getting through this. That is all anyone can expect, you know?
I think you did the right thing in sounding very open and honest with your kids :)
it hurts but it's natural for them to be going through these emotions.
love you.x
Thankyou all for your comments, They mean so much durning this very difficult time/transistion, Im never sure if i am saying/doing the right things as this is all such uncharted territory. any and all feedback I get I consider a gift if if its constructive criticism (just be gentle :) ) I am so unsure and wobbley at the moment Im never sure if what I am doing is correct, so thankyou thankyou for hearing me and for encouraging me.
as always much love, Tara
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