stupid is stupid does

I have done something I am to embarressed to even tell you guys, I cant not even believe what I have done, perhaps Mike was right, I am no good and cant be trusted, I need support, I know I am being cryptic but really Im so ashamed and my feelings are so conflicted, Im so loney and I know I have put myself in an awful position, I just needed human touch. and now I must deal with the fallout..

Hey

Borrowing my nieghbors computer which makes me super uncomfortable because I am always afraid they can somehow find my blog or other stuff I am working on, anyway, Iam in complete shit, S and I are going to start doing BCA's again ( Behavior chair analysis ) because I am really going down hill...my days...Coffee, Starve, gym, and then night rolls around and I B/p several times, Im in a fog, dont really remember much or what I did most days, I saw S on friday and she was like "I havent seen you this confused in a while and every time I do, it leads to you being in the hospital." I got mad and sad "no freaking way" then she pulled out the " well you are not safe right now and you are alone with your kids, you have no backup and you are falling really fast, I cant even communicate with you because you keep forgetting what you or I said." funny I can remember it now....hmmmmm but she was right, I was lost, Im falling asleep at any point and time durning the day because my body is just giving out...my mom came to watch the kids yesterday so I could workout, she arrived to find me half asleep on the couch, " I thought you would be jumping at the bit to get out of here and you are sleeping, whats wrong with you?" I ofcourse popped up threw on my workout clothes and went for a good run and some wieght training, but truth be told it was all such a n effort, I was exhausted, but the upside is I am sore since I added wieght training to the regime ...Im pretty messed up right now and see her point as to where I will be in a few bits time if I dont figure out and end this relaspe, I B/P 3xs last night, I woke up at 3am which such a dry mouth it hurt, but my throat was so raw it hurt to drink the water, my coffee has gone down easier this morning but Im shakey and well I know I need to turn things around just feeling very unable, I say everyday TODAY will be the day to do it right, but I always fail, I would feel better even if I just ate minimally without the purging, its so draining, sucks the life right out of you. I have to get my labs done monday, kinda nervous I have put it off for almost 2 weeks but my ED doctor ( how ironic is this) goes to my gym, we usually go opposite times, me in the morning and her in the evening but after T last week I went at night and guess who was behind me my WHOLE run, thats right Dr.A...I was so embarressed to be engaging in my Ed with my doctor watching SUCKS, we made small talk and I hightailed it out of there, but first she made mention that she hadnt recieved my labs...hmmmm I said "I forgot" right, I just wanted more time cause I thought I could fix my labs with a few days not purging but that hasnt happened so I guess I should just get them done...okay I know I am very scattered, I think I am heading for some hypomania, more then likely cause my pm meds get purged every night, Im shaking right now but will probablly be sleeping some time this afternoon, okay off to get ready for church.

Love to you all, thankyou so much for all your care and concern you are all such beautiful souls

love you, Tara

I am about to say screw it

not that I havent completely engrossed myself in listening to the neverending bitch voice in my head that tells me what a worthless peice of shit and a pathetic loser of a human I am, but really its right, my husband killed himself cause I fucken went off and left him ( yes he was abusive, but he fucken didnt deserve to die) I am fucken selfish bitch who should fucken suffer, I ran and starved all day yesterday and ate 2 (meals) and purged, just to rid myself of the hate, like I was pulling all the bad out of me, but its still here...the bad, the disgust, the loathing , the grief, shame, guilt...Im not numb enough, I want to drink, to take to many meds, to just make it all go away...its not just the number although that was the trigger...its the pain, and Im about to say screw it all. I wish I were dead