A good sesh

as to qoute PTC..."I had a good sesh with S tonight" M and I went together and whew let me tell you it was good , intense but good. He showed allot of concern over the exercise and S kept saying we need Zena to take ownership of her illness, if she cant follow the guidelines then her privalges will be yanked...which means i some how must consume another 500 calories plus the dinner I JUST had..ugh...FUCK me!! SO that also means iam takinga rest day tomorrow...yep that means no running folks..blaahhhh again...

I saw the good DOC A today and she rambeled on about my body eating itself and i listened intently and nodded at the right places and then she said well your down from last time so i want to see you in 6 weeks with a 3 week check in with DR.S..oh joy.

So anyway we talked allot about exercise tonight...fun stuff...M compared it to like say shes not eating right, so we let her run...thats like saying hey M you cant drink but you can smoke pot even though they both make you nuts...S laughed and said yes M but she need s to own this we cant tell her what to so...so you know what folks I will prove them all wrong..i will follow my MP and I will run 5 days a week and I will not purge and I will win this war!!! hell yeah sista speak it!!!

Its still so hot here i cant stand it, its suppossed to cool down but hell this summer weather well rocks and sucks at the same time..you know I love the heat but shorts suck...


so anyway today was a good day except i got lost dropping the kids off to the moms work..drove around for like an hour...got lost trying to make my way from moms said work to Doc As and lost on my way back in total spent 3.5 hours in the car and missed lunch hence the massive snack i have to have tonight...ugh..well folks thats about it..I will prove them all wrong...i will persevere and i will win this war!!!!

Have faith in me folks i can do this. hope everyones day rocked out like mine did..off to h ave my super snack!!

Love, Z

the Sun is shinning

and it going to be another beautiful day here in the great state of NY. I followed my MP yesterday...GO me... GO me...said singing.

We watched the Z man play T ball and he did so well he got the game ball....thats a big deal here in these parts.

Alyssa slammed a ball on Saturday nearly out of the park at her game..it rocked ..yes can I say my kids ROCK!!!!!! I got so sunburned on Saturday at her opening day that I can even put hot water from a shower on my back you know how much it sucks to take a luke warm shower, yes it blows balls.

Little man is being so cute ( Isaiah) all he keeps saying is WHY?? why ??? why??? everything you tell him to do is why...its so freaking cute.

anyway the sun is shinning once again and its going to be near 90 again...I feel good today..I already ran, felt good even though I losta contact half way through...blahhhh....I only went for a half a n hour my allowed time....so i feel good about it, I had a nice cup o coffee and that was good and now I got get the kids to school...see I can write a post not all about ED...i just did it!!!!

I see K tonight, well I talked to her yesterday for about 10 min and we talked about the running and upping the MP...but I dont want to takl about that now ...well discuss teh crap later...

Hope you all have a sunshinny day...i know I will...((( see how much better of a mood I am in when I run))) I feel like singing...lol.:)

Love, Z

Fucking up

tThat about sums up what i am doing with my life...I can barely eat..i am exercising...and just generally fucking up...S has full faith in me that i can pull out of this mess but I am not so sure, I see the ED doc on tues perhaps she can scare me straight...

After this week of utter choas I am a set of raw nerves...I just dont know how to handle my anxiety...fuck...I know what I need to do I just need to do it...i need to rebutt all theses negative thoughts...so you guys get to hear it..lol...

I am a fat pig......I am a normal wieght for my hieght


I am a loser.......I still do allot for my kids and I love them


I deserve to suffer.....even criminals dont deserve to be starved, its cruel and unusual punishment


I am a shit ass mom....my kids love me and that counts for something


I am a nut job.....I have a mental illness that i am seeking tx for


I am a shit daughter.....NO, my dad abused me hence I dont have to talk to him if I dont want to!!!


I deserve to die...NO, I deserve a life free from ED confines



there is no life beyond ED....yes there is people RECOVER..jennie shafer is a perfect example


I have no talents except childbirth.....that in itself is a great accomplishment...but I am an artist and an athelete when ED doesnt get in the way!!!


whew that was a pain right in the ass but what do you guys think did I do it right??


Love, Z