Im debateing

whether or not to go IP/PHP something for addiction, trauma depression and suicidal thoughts....I hate the hospital, but living this life....full of pain, fear and anxiety, numbed by voodka, somehow doesnt seem right..

first though I will have to get thin...

because as you know no one is worth help unless they look like a victim of famine

I have thought about cutting...but thats an addiction too...better not to start something that could just end it, as I seem to take every thing to far....


MENTAL ILLNESS SUCKS

I want more

...the "suicide attempt" has left me well feeling...well sad, that it didnt kill me or put me to sleep, that I would have to take so much more to snuff my being from this world and I will most never get the chance with pills again...its also left me feeling manic, like I am invincable nothing can touch me I am a super power, who can take 36 clonipin...nearly a liter of voodka and some other odds and ends pills and still be standing...me thats who. blurgggg. I have the bestest friend ever who gives my heart a reason to live to hope and to soar...I dream of kangeroos, of holding her and watching the waves crash...but thats 7 months away, so I breath and hold tight and try to believe I will be okay.

Rey didnt go to work last night, my mom took my kids and he stayed the night we made love for hours and I fell asleep in in his arms...I slept for 3 hours, safe from the world and close to another warm body...

I want more


whether it be connection...death...or sleep...its all so romantic...love...death...peace

whatever it is I want more

The last few days...

have been a pathetic mess...to the point where I was almost certified this afternoon, I was flabbergasted but it almost happened..

you see monday night my inlaws point blank on the telephone...said..."well you must understand we think you killed our son"

yuppp yep after a yr of working to rid those feeling of guilt, shame, pain, anguish and quilt I allowed then to take away all I had learned and come to believe, in a matter in seconds...long story short I hadnt slept since sunday...still thurday night and no sleep yet///between yesterday and the 12 hours earlier...36 hrs I took 30 something clonipin..apparently that is a suicide attemp...add that to a bout a little over a liter of voodka and in that time, I almost died ...so they say....

I cant even talk right now about how much I am hurting


right now I just want to take the 15 I have stashed for emergency purposes:(


if you pay pray for me...my kids are at thier grandmas...I have a bottle of voodka..pills prescribed and not...not so much to die...just t o quiet the noise