update...a little

well I am missing PHP today casue Alyssa graduates Kindergarden!!! whoop whoop!!!!, My babys going into first grade..OMG I am so old!:)

Its been a rough go since I was released from IP I have had some slips and have been filling out BCAs like they are going out of style:(

I am desperate to lose the wieght I gained while IP but instead of restricting I ahve turned to B/P its ridiculous...but I am really useing my voice in groups...I mean like I am takeing in a lot of DBT info and trying to put it to use. I am on exercise restriction which sucks major balls but I am trying to own like I am committed to not exercising to save my body, mind and soul...I am working on nuturing myself i am getting really into yoga..( the only exercise I am allowed)...it really seems to center me...guess it works you know.

Lisa, thankyou so much for the card it really made my day to get it...you are so sweet, you all are ...

I need to stay focused on recovery and start really getting to the core issues, I may not blog as often but know I am thinking of you all...I really need to focus on getting my family straightened out...we are falling apart ..and that needs to be my first priority.

Love, Z

treatment and other musings

So I was admitted wenesday and discharged from IP on the next friday...let me tell you I did not have a good time refeeding consisted off 7 pounds of fluid shifting which make me look and feel like a pig fat cow....I start PHP on monday. 9-4 every day til my insurance gives out...so we will se how that lasts.

My first night there I got stuck with a meatloaf dinner:(

I gagged through but I did it!!! and thus begam my journey of learning how to eat again I wont lie to you , at first I had decieded to be a non complient patient...but I realized that it would get me no where except with a tube stuffed up my nose..my attitude quickly changed, well maybe not my attitude but my behaviors... I was on 24 hour bathroom awareness for the first 48 hous which sucked royally cause that mean I have to have a staff member around every single time I had to pee lets just say it was gobs of fun.

I wasnt allowed to go on the walks again I was pissed off the thought were if I cant get the prilages why should I bother eating...but that was an ED thought not a rational one so I trudged foward one moment at a time doing what I needed to do to get in the right mindset to do PHP...cause man alive I wanted out...

they added some meds and my mood became more stable (which is good cause I was on the verge sveral times...

We had a family meeting with my mom where we talked about boundries and my mom crossing over teh line a bit as far as my children and every thing else in my life goes. I was scared as hell but my T up there was great and she helped to mediate teh entire situation which turned a little hostle at times.

I was released just in time to see Zack man graduate preschool which freaking awsome...so cute and funny I will post pics later...

The kids were glad to have me back and I am glad to be back, I need them and I need to get better, I wont lie the thoughts are still there and very strong but I am following the program and doing what I need to do to get better.

I am scared as hell to let this ED go but I will cause man I do love my kids and they deserve a better life tehn what I am giving them, I realize now that killing myself would cause them more heartache and they have really had enough crap in thier lives...they deserve better and I am starting think maybe I do to...

slowly i am comeing around...slowly

Love, Z

Well Ip it is!

i am going to the physc ward..its not a bad place really they have a pretty good Ed program and i love the N there so it should be okay...hopefully it will be for a very short term and then I can transfer to day tx...I nede to be home for my family...My EKG came back okay so now we are just waiting on labs...I guess I will be in by tonight... Pray for me and my family guys especially my hubby he is very stressed...

Love, Z