the struggle within

I'm not making any resolutions...

2012-01-02T14:29:00.000-05:00

Its pointless to say Im going to live totally ED free, and do X, Y, Z for this year and forever, so what I am going to do is say that Im going to do what I can, minute by minute, meal by meal, Im making small steps, I can make it 2 days in row without purging, and I have lessened the exercise, most likely because I feel like royal shit, I'm sure its partly related to my ED, and also because I have picked up a virus. Its positive though to be able to not go for a run when Im sick, I would have normally just heavily medicated myself and went anyway and most likely got even sicker, I do need to go tomorrow after clinical but hopefully I will be feeling better.

Its hard a bit though, I was extremely triggered by a girl on FB that I was in tx with, she literally stated the amount of weight she lost, and its allot, she is in medical hospital right now and is allowed to have her phone and computer, I'm not sure if she realizes how triggering it is to hear that someone has lost such a large amount of weight. I didnt comment, but she showed pics and it was just not needed, by myself and im sure others,.

I want this to be a year that I make long lasting changes, not go to tx get all gung ho and then crash, small steps is what I need, in my own enviroment, as long as im moving forward, it shouldnt matter the pace. I know if I dont move forward I will die, my body cant take what it used to, Im already have some heart and GI issues so I just need to keep going, eat the food, not throw it up, and exercise what feels good for my body not what ED demands, the world wont crumble if I run 4 miles instead of 8, in fact Im sure that 4 miles is a perfectly nice amount of miles to run, very healthy I bet, so tomorrow, thats what Im going to run, and im not going to eat less because of it, Im just going to except it and know my body will thank me for it.

I m not feeling well so I have about 30 min so I can rest t hen I have work for school to do, so you know what, Im going to lay down, and my body will thank me for it, Im sure.

Happy New Year everyone, and remember its not a sprint, its a marathon, the finish line is the goal and its going to take time to make sure it lasts but oh its going to feel so good when I finally reach that red tape, anything worth having is worth fighting for!!!

Love, Tara

untitled

2011-12-18T14:40:00.000-05:00

Im not sure I can do this anymore. Its all to much. To much pressure. Im not used to being responsible financialy, to be going to school so that I can get a real job, I couldnt get out of bed, not til after 12, sure I got up to get the kids breakfast but it was hell then I layed back down, I called my pdoc at 11:30 last night feeling very manic, she told me to take extra risperdol, and hence I was snowed this morning I was also up til 2:30 in the morning, I have laundry to do, and drug cards, and a final on thursday and clinical tomorrow and tuesday, and I dont know when I will get to wrap presents, and I wish I could go run, I feel weak and I keep having dizzy spells, I havent purged since tuesday, K scared me, and it takes me white knuckeling most days, I bought a yoga video, havent done it yet, but I will try to, Im very depressed, with boughts of brief mania thrown in for fun, I hate that I have such disordered food issues, I hate food and its power over me, I hate that I have dug my own hole again, I hate that I am 500 pounds at least it feels that way, I hate that my kids do nothing but fight and zack blames everything on me, he rages at me all the time and most days I just want to run away, I hate that he killed himself, I hate that I am single parent and really hate that I hate my life, because its no way to live, Im not sure how I will make it through the week, Im actually not sure how I will make it through the day, im just so completely overwhelmed and just well sad, and the hard part is I cant curl into a ball, I actually have things that need to get done, and somehow I have to muster the strength to actually them., sorry so pathetic but I needed to write and be honost with myself causes im dying inside

Tomorrow never comes

2011-12-16T22:58:00.000-05:00

every night before I go to bed I tell myself I will start tomorrow. Tomorrow I will follow my mp. Tomorrow I wont purge. Tomorrow I wont run to much. Tomorrow I wont Binge and then vomit...its always tomorrow, today was pretty bad Ed wise and I didnt realize how bad it was til I nearly passed out in the bathroom at the restaurant we took my kids so that they could get ice cream after thier christmas musical (which was awesome by the way, Isaiah was in it for the first time and he was just sooooo cute)., I had coffee this morning, school all day, ran 8 miles, target shopped, took some laxitives, showered and went to thier play for 7, around 9 my face felt hot, I had floaters in my eyes and felt unsteady, I literaly felt my face go from hot to drain into a cold, clamy state. Im exhausted. I will be up all night because the laxitives will kick in around 2 in the morning, so TOMORROW I will feel even worse, I hate the tomorrows, the what will be's. Will I be ED good or normal people good, can I recover for good, or will the next 18 years of tomorrows be like the last 18, will I even make it that long...Im filled with such hatered for myself, The only reason I took the laxitives was to cause myself physical pain, I promised K I wouldnt purge until I see her Wed, she laid into me and gave me a really graphic description of what could happen to my kids if they were to find me passed out in a pile of vomit, I never think it will be me, but it could be, it could be me, so I found a new way to hurt myself. Im trying to make a life for the kids, but killing myself in the process, my girl Bella suggested "that I might be afraid if things go right" and she might be right, cause really my life has been a train wreck for the last 15 years, abusive relationships, drug and alcohol abuse, ED, abusive marraige, husbands suicide, its always been something, and now Im taking some control over the direction, but Im also sabatoging it, I dont know whats going to happen, I really dont, but I do know that Tomorrow is going to come whether I like it or not, and its up to me what Im going to do about it.

shame

2011-11-21T20:47:00.000-05:00

doing something that you are completely ashamed of....and having an eating disorder dont mix because the two "feed" off each other, I found out today that I did something (which I dont care to mention) incrediably horriable while being extremely drunk the other night and ED has loved every minute of it, I have yet to eat today, and seeing thats its nearly 9 I most likely wont, well I had milk in my coffee...I started clinical rotation today then ran for an hour and as soon as I stopped running like the second I stopped I was flooded with the shame all over again...im humilated, I want to hide, but I cant, I have to face these people ( who by the way think what happened is rather comical, I however do NOT) so being somewhere unfamilar mixed with shame and a little guilt thrown in for fun, my ED is having a field day and it has just right now dawned on me that the 4 day holiday I get this week comes along with thanksgiving, you know the big holiday that revolves completely around FOOD!!! for hells sake I cant catch a break, I would really like to go to bed wed and not wake up til mon. but that wont happen, thankgod I see S tomorrow, she will be thrilled with my behavior after nearly 2 weeks of doing well, im such a fuck up.

I can post again...

2011-11-12T18:00:00.000-05:00

I think I can say that at least for right this minute I am going to be okay. I have followed my mp since wed. It was really tough to hear what my team had to say, S was very worried and upset, where she couldnt really keep it hidden ( I have been seeing her for 10 yrs) she said she thought by christmas I would be in the hospital (medical) and she was afraid that since I refuse to make an apt with the Ed doc that I might not get the help in time, considering what happened 3.5 yrs ago with my heart and it pretty much failing to the point that I was admitted for 12 days at the age of 28 on the cardiac floor, well that says allot, then after seeing K on wed. she was getting kinda snippy and I point blank asked if she was mad at me and since i have been seeing her for 5 yrs she was like "No, I am just so fustrated that I cant help you, nothing I say or do helps, you dont text me when I ask you to, you dont call, you dont bring in the food to eat with me and S, its like you just want this to happen." and the thing is I dont, I feel completely overtaken by my ocd, stuck, frozen. But my kids and school and OUR FUTURES depend solely on me, and I will not let them suffer because thier mother cant get a hold of her own mental illness, I have a good hold on the bipolar, the meds are finally working anxiety is supper high but Im not manic or depressed, but that will only last so long without eating, the meds need protien to work, anyway, I feel a bit more confident, im still very ritualistic, and everything must be just so, but I am eating, my dinner is actually cooking right now, I was meant to have some Wang bowl from chipolties but I walked in and couldnt I didnt know how anything was made so I am making the pretty much same thing here, rice, black beans, chicken, salsa all on a salad, kinda nervous as its a ton of food, but she says I need it, I already talked with her today and if I run the 6 miles I need to eat for it, so I m gonna.

okay lovers, wish me luck and that I stay this strong

Love, Tara

Maslow's theory and the idiot girl who knows nothing.

2011-11-07T17:28:00.000-05:00

Friday Nov. 4th was a pretty horriable day. Last class of the day and we were discussing Maslow's theory. The pyrimid of the hierarchy of human needs, the bottom tier being basic needs such as oxygen, food, water ect. The top tier being self actualization. Pretty much feeling complete in life, socially, finacially, emotionaly...you feel like you will continue to evolve, but are content in your life, you have high self esteem, you are not worried about things like what people will think of your oppinions, you are comfortable. YOU ARE HAPPY WITH LIFE.

Well this twit of a girl ( who happens to know about mike and his suicide) took it apon herself to state that she read a "study" that people who have reached the self actualization stage feel that they have completed everything there is in life so they KILL THEMSELVES. Which if she even had bothered to read the lecture she would have seen that in that stage we still CONTINUE to evolve. Well as you can imagine I became very upset and tried to state my case that suicide is something that occurs when someone who has a mental illness reaches thier breaking point, you never hear of someone killing themselves because they are just so dam happy right? Yes, this girl was a fuck wit and I was highly upset by her "theory" but even more upset that she refused to listen to any other statements regaurding her not only ignorant but highly WRONG statements. I all of the sudden burst into tears, and ran from the room. I couldnt stop crying. I was unbelieveably triggered and nearly had a panic attack in the bathroom, I cried for a full on 30 mins at school, thankfully I had some wonderful classmates who helped me through a very difficult time. Unfortunately I have been having flashbacks and panic attacks all weekend, I can not stop the thoughts, Im not sure why this triggered such a reaction, I have talked about Mikes suicide at lenth and am able to talk about it and able to educate others on mental illness but this, this statement took away everything that I believe to be true, people suicide because they seen life has nothing to offer, that thier pain will never end and they can not see a way out, NOT because the were so freaking happy.

I think maybe part of it was that she was giving such misinformation, so skewed from the truth I couldnt handle hearing one more word and add that to the fact that she KNEW my story and how sick Mike was and still proceded to carry on with this nonsense, with no regaurd for my feelings and no problem argueing with me just to make herself seem more knowledgable. It was a combination of rage and grief swirled into one horriable moment, and I felt completely out of control. I hate that this girl had so much power over me and that her false statements impacted me so much but they did and they still are.

I shook while driving to school this morning with the thought of having to face this girl who knew how much she was hurting me and continued to do so, I want my head to stop spinning, I want the rumination to stop, I have been trying to ground myself all weekend but havent done so well, my one and only consoulation is that she is now hated by the entire class as now EVERYONE knows about mike, but also what a complete ass she is.

so thats the story of Maslow and the idiot girl

The End

Thankyou but I will be taking a break.

2011-10-22T10:05:00.001-04:00

until I am doing better, I will be taking a break, Im embarassed to say how Disordered I have become, I dont want to trigger anyone, and really Im just quite ashamed, I will be back however when I am able to pull myself out of this.

Love and best wishes to all, I will continue to fight!!

Love, Tara

It takes a toll

2011-10-19T21:03:00.000-04:00

nearly 17 years of disordered eating totally makes your body weak and unable to "bounce back" quickly, it also has the same effect mentally, my compulsions old and new have been consuming me, compulsively drinking numerous quarts of water a day to be "clean", certain numbers for certain meals (cal) miles run, mashing the 4 food choices I have into mush so it doesnt even resemble food (S pointed that out to me last night when she asked what and how I was eating my food)...I spent half of second class thinking about what I will weigh December 22, why that date I dont know but thats where my mind for a good hour today. Physically Im just a bit tired but my mind is exhausted, I know this is all anxiety related, its got to be, my grades are still good I am averaged a 95 in all three of my courses, but I am slacking, its not showing yet but it will, im just tired, I will be studying a solid 3 hr block tomorrow evening for a large exam on friday, I have barely even looked at the material. K wants to weigh me but I refused, usually I get upset but eventually comply, but not today or last week, i wouldnt do it, I see no need, I know I dont eat even to enough but Im to afraid to deviate from what feel sorta okay, and yes I have lost quite a bit of weight Im still not underweight so I see no point, tells you have fucking fat I got :( anyway I just feel really lost emotionally not sure how Im going to muster the courage to fight harder, Its like Im so afraid of doing poorly in school I become paralized and focus on numbers all numbers, Im probably not making any sense but can any students or former students tell me how they managed to preform well in school and not let it drive their perfectionistic obsession with numbers over take your mind, because numbers are constantly bombarding me, and not just the drip rate factors and medication doses and grades but all the other ones too im sure you know what I mean.

much love, Tara

2011-10-14T06:48:00.000-04:00

The stress of school and maintaining a "good enough" average is wearing on me, I make mostly high 90's but when that 86 or 84 comes around I beat myself into the ground. I feel like a circus clown, juggling the kids, housework, classes, studying, bills, the sale of my house, running, Recovery and if I drop a ball(one of those things) everything will crumble, well I did, I dropped a very important ball, I have let my Recovery become the last thing I bother with, I stopped following my MP cause I was to "busy" to plan, and because I became manic, then crashed...I became and am obsessed with numbers, all numbers not just calories, grades, my pulse, my blood pressure, time, where there is a number I am obsessed, strange compulsions have come about like drinking excessive amounts of water ( very knew to mean I used to restrict fluids as well) I was always dehydrated, now I am over hydrated, hypotonic to be exact. my K level dropped ( I didnt go to DR, just had excruciating leg cramps, so I forced myself to drink Gatorade, like the real stuff not the G2, and dt pepsi, cause well there is sodium in that....anyway...I have tried unsuccessful this week to stop with the negative thoughts, intrusive thoughts, compulsion's and the like, I will only drink 64 oz of O2 today, and a gatorade, and I will eat 3xs, something, even if they are spaced really far apart and I will not purge, I seem to manage 2 small meals but somehow the third raises my anxiety to new level...I will practice the three Ds Delay.. Decieding ... Distract....Delay by decieding what I need and distracting by doing what it is my body or mind really need, it may just be something as simple as resting as I dont do that much anymore.on a positive note cause this post sure needs one the kids and I went shopping and the house is now all Decorated for halloween, it look soooo cute and Im so glad we did it, its normalcy, they arent used to me being around so little and its something we always did, and it made them happy and I dont think the candy hurt either..."just one more piece ma??" I heard that line all night...it was okay though, any who, off to start my day, pray it goes well and I shall pray for your.

oh ps I havent had a drink in lets see...since Aug 27th and I feel pretty dam good about it !!

Love, Tara

Its bad

2011-10-08T13:13:00.001-04:00

I am not ready to talk about it yet...I will but not yet, I just needed to put it out there that I will cause if i dont fix this, I WILL FUCK EVERYTHING UP!!!!!

crap

Im okay dont worry I have just got tangled in this web and need to untangle myself and when I do I will not be humiliated ... because right now I am hanging my head, not quite sure what to do

super crap

Bad day

2011-10-04T19:35:00.000-04:00

I must tell myself it is just one day, that one bad day does not mean it will spiral into many strung together...I saw S today, but I dont feel much better which is odd, I cried, I think she wants to support me in this school thing but doesnt want me to feel like I "have" to do this, that I could always change studies, or go part time instead of the 32.5 hrs a week I go, plus studying plus being an only parent, but thing is if I DONT do this I will feel like an epic failure and most likely will nose dive...all this crying and self doubt, being so critical of myself, feeling like a complete retard, all of it stemmed from getting an 84 on an exam, its a far cry from the high 90's and 100's I had been getting, I have 2 big tests tomorrow and my confidence has been jarred...Im scared, weepy and feel at a loss...and ~~ed is having a field day~~ and that I am sure is playing a role, as I did study tonight but really wished I could have gone to the gym...sigh...I promised S I would eat dinner, so I am off to do that now...before I just say screw it.

Tara

Stability?? and some other musings

2011-09-29T20:25:00.000-04:00

Since removing the Lexapro on saturday my mood since monday has been well relatively stable...I feel okay, I think, I feel like I am waiting for the bottom to fall out...I have been very between the kids and school, keeping the house up, the gym, homework, appointments for ALL of us.....just general life. I didnt have school today and my day went like this up at 6 (thats sleeping in) get kids ready, make them breakfast, calm zack down from a panic attack, gym, shower, 4 yes 4 loads of laundry washed dried and put away, cleaned my car, grocery shopped, put everything away, cleaned the floors, studied, picked up kids, back to target to pick up scripts and do a little shopping (rain boots for the kids and a sweatshirt for me) make the kids dinner, help them with thier homework, give baths, make their lunches, watch tv with kids for half hour.....an hour ago I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open, but I must have gotten a second wind, blahhhh, I need to get up at 4 to study as I have several tests tomorrow and got to wrapped up in daily living things to study enough today....

Mike has been weighing heavily on me, I am grappling with the "how could he possiably be dead?" question, it seems unreal, some days it feel like a life time ago he was here, and some days it feel like hours, it all still haunts me and the more I am going through school and knowing I will actually have a career the more it piles on me that he is not here,and would I have actually done this if he were still here...would I have had the motivation?? I mean it was something I always wanted to do but never did...why did I wait??? I bet hes angry with me, for just having been such a lazy bitch while he was alive, only caring about my disease, and the kids, I wasnt nice enough to him, I sure as hell didnt save him, I was a lousy wife, he wasnt a great husband but maybe if I had been better he would have tried harder to quit drinking...and I still come back to almost three and a half yrs ago I just about died, so how in this world am I the one who is still here, my heart nearly quit, I was laid in a bed with a tube shoved down my nose cause even with my heart rate at 22 and my QTC line so prolonged that I could have went into cardiac arrest at any minute I still refused food....and yet I am the one still here, doing fairly well considering it all...It all just drags at me, I still cry allot, well some weeks allot and some not at all....is this the healing process...I dont know some days it just feels like hell and some days I actually think I will make it...ofcourse, I have great guilt in actually thinking that I WILL make it....I suppose though I need to get over it because at shit as it makes me feel I am the only one left to raise our babies and that needs to be done, so I guess Im here at least another 14 yrs, most likely longer as it would still be traumatic for an 18 yr old boy to lose his mom....

dont know, Im not suicidal, I just think about death allot...and the fact that it WILL all end at some point, it could be tomorrow, but it could also be 50 or 60 years from now, I suppose I should gear up for the latter no matter how daunting that seems...I just noticed something...Im actually thinking and preparing for the future....I havent thought about anything but making it through the day...minutes....until just recently....maybe there is hope for me yet???

just maybe...

Love, Tara

its official

2011-09-26T21:54:00.000-04:00

I have been dx Bipolar type 1 and I am devastated...I saw pdoc tonight and she wasnt shocked at my feeling about the dx, shes relieved and hopes that with removing the anti depressent and keeping the two mood stabilizers and anti anxiety on board I will stabilize....I have this heightened awareness, and a curiosity for so many things...we were talking and i was reading this HUGE book she has on herbal medication (there are thousands and thousands) she let me take it home and said i could read it til my heart was content and bring it back when i felt I had read or learned enough from it, I took it and im excited to start looking through it maybe i can find some herbal medicines that could replace the pharmacological ones i am on...not likely but i could research....hopefully i will have some time this weekend....I made a diagram of a cell tonight...out of cake, its red velvet cake and blue frosting and numerous molded candies to represent the different parts, it was extra credit so I did it...it didnt have to be cake, it could have been playdoh i just have a draw to food products :)
anyway, I have been up since 4:30 am and really should get some rest...and try not to think that I have been labeled with a disease that makes others think you are insane....sigh...im really very upset about this.

love, Tara

Bipolar

2011-09-24T11:40:00.000-04:00

every time Pdoc says it I cringe, I hate it, and after not drinking for quite somte time the episodes have gotten pretty bad...when I used to get manic I would drink so I could sleep and it would depress me so for a long time I was able to skate under the radar with a Bipolar 2 dx. I prefer that much more, but my pdoc could never understand that when in hospital they would up my lexapro and I would get manic so much so they(hospital)they would constantly be giving things to do, art work and their paper work and taking me on walks and more art and I would get home and resume to my drinking and the mania would disipate but I have drank only a handful of times since march and the episodes have become obvious, to the point that when I crash its horriable and I am ashamed at the things I have said, although being able to work for hours on end is pretty nice...to bad you always crash....anyway I dont know, Im pretty upset about this dx I know I shouldnt be but I am, my ED is popping up and eating has become difficult, more because when I am up I have no hunger and when I crash Im so low I dont want to eat, I have saw K last night and am going really hard to follow the mp, its just hard when your hunger cues dont seem to be there...anyway, I did get my paper done last night I was very energentic, took my pills around midnight, woke up a few times and today am just feeling blahhh, although I did clean my house from top to bottom, the bleach still smells on my hands, guess i should have worn gloves...okay guess I should shower now.

love you all

Tara

Encouragement

2011-09-21T06:42:00.000-04:00

This whole playing with my meds is just sucking the life right out of me, I I feel like a walking zombie, Im sooooooooooo Tired, Im going to go get some no doze because my eyes are burning and I need to stay up in class, I got a 98 on my micro final but was pissed it wasnt a hundered, last night S said to me "its a marathon Tara, not a sprint" I need to remember that and perfection really isnt the goal, its to graduate, a patient isnt going to ask did you get a 98 or an 85, as long as I do my job right, anyway, Im completely exhausted and really really depressed, S thought that I would be in the fetal position by today, but Im pushing through it took every oz of strength I had NOT to leave class early, but that would have been giving in, and I wont. Its not a sprint its a marathon...I just need to remember that and pray this depression passes...BIPOLAR SUCKS! But I am strong and will manage, I just need some encouragement cause right now Im feeling really shitty.

Love Tara

Where there is mania...

2011-09-19T19:35:00.000-04:00

There is always a horriable crash...

I have crashed

I feel absolutely horriable, I left lecture 2 xs today to cry, I called my pdoc on lunch, you knew this would happen, and added MORE risperdol ( I HATE RISPERDOL) but it works, In my tears I said maybe I should just taking them (my meds) so I could be manic again , because that sure beats this, she assured me you always eventually crash and that it would just be even worse, she asked me if I needed the hospital, I adamently said, appartently her and S spoke and because I was soooo manic last week they anticipated this crash, she asked if I was suicidal, ofcourse I said no, but honostly at the time I was, I had my mom come stay with me this afternoon, I just didnt feel safe...I cried mysrlf last night, deep long sobs...somehow I managed a 98% on my micro final, which is good cause if i wrecked my average it would have sent me off the deep end, ofcourse I wanted a 100 but thats just my perfectionism...pray this med works and that things go well with S tomorrow, I really just feel so low, I cant even manage a fake smile, and with all these mood swings, my eating has been nil, I need to fix this all school is to important to me, I despertly want to do well, I need to, I started reading "intuitive Eating" I have had it forever but never read it....im not sure how to really apply it as my hunger and fullness cues are just messed up, and I have no real foods I crave, even when I would B/P it would just be whatever was on hand, i never bought binge food, it never tasted good, it was more about the purge, anyway Im depressed and just want to feel better...please dear god just let me stabilize.

Cant comment...GRRRR

2011-09-17T06:11:00.002-04:00

Im sorry guys I have been trying for days to comment on peoples blogs but it just wont let me, it keeps saying my account is not authorized to comment..I cant imagine why, its getting super fustrating, because I see so many people struggeling and I want to reach out , I write realitivly long comments and then they wont publish, Im supper fustrated, if anyone knows how to remedy this please let me know because I am getting so annoyed, know its not that I dt care but rather blogger being a twit!

Love Tara

Crazy couple of weeks...

2011-09-16T06:59:00.000-04:00

So this is the end of week three for school, its going well I have so far had 5 tests, ending two courses, these are intensive courses, as we complete the LPN program in 10 months, 6.5 hrs school per day and about 2 hr study time every day, among all my other responsibilities, My appointments, the kids, laundry cleaning kids homework, cooking etc...I wake up at 4:30 every morning and most days dont return home til 6 or 7, several nights it been 9, alyssa has started hip hop and ballet which doesnt end til 8:30 on tuesdays, so we get home late that day because we all also have therapy that day, with it all though I have recieved a 94 in my nursing theory course and 95 in my A and P course and a 88 in micro, but the last one could change as we have a massive NYS state today which if not passed by the second time kicks you out of the course....

Anyway until this week I was getting pretty much nil sleep like maybe 2 hours a night, that combined with massive loads of studying, kids, responsibilities, gym etc, I turned massively manic, to the point where my Pdoc was like if we dont get this under control we are going to have a problem, so my meds were changed, and within a couple days I leveled out I am now getting about 5.5 hrs to 6 hrs a night i ma still struggeling to take my pm meds as I have some wierd, not so much fear but feeling that "Im going to miss something"...very odd but I am trying....with the mania came some definate food struggels , the need to eat felt nil, hunger wasnt really there, so I am struggeling to get that back on track...working on it.

Mikes Birthday was tuesday that was a very stressful day but, an offer came in on my house that day and we did some negotiaing and we setteled so in 4 days my house will be sold pending no issues are found with the house ...yeah!!! didnt get what I wanted but I so needed to get from under it!

and lastly I am moving into my new place tomorrow so I need to do a bunch of packing tonight and moving stuff around,I am slightly still manic...maybe you can...okay I gotta go get to school.

will write soon

love you all

Love, Tara

No sleep

2011-09-07T06:59:00.000-04:00

that about sums it it up, I am averaging about 3 hrs of broken sleep a night, fall sleep about 11...11:30 and wake an hour later ...wake for an hour sleep for an hour ...wake ...sleep, this morning I was so sick of it I just got up at 4 and studied til 6...while I have never had very good sleep hygiene I am trying and its just getting worse, clearly my meds arent working and I know if this continues I will crash and burn, the lack of sleep make me hypomanic, evening are the worst because although my body is tired I feel like I must keep moving, I started exercising about a week ago and you would think that would help but nope, I study and my ocd doesnt allow me stop except for at certain points, thank god I see pdoc tomorrow, I can not afford to burn out this early, I cant even look foward to the wekend because no matter what I cant sleep, and it doesnt help matters that my kids seem to wake up durning the night so if per chance I am sleeping they wake me up...IM SOOOO FUSTRATED!!!!!

Does anyone have any ideas to aide in sleep, Im going to buy melatonin today, I hope its okay to take with my reg meds, oh and intrusive thoughts of M are back, this is all proving to me most difficult.

Love Tara

Suicide Prevention week

2011-09-05T10:57:00.001-04:00

It started yesterday but better late then never, September 4th through the 10th.

As you know this hits very close to home as haveing had M actually succede in his suicide and me haveing on horriable drunken occations overdosed the most recent haveing been in march.

Please Take a moment to reach out to those you love and even those who just seem lost, you never know if your kind word or gentle smile will give someone just a bit of hope.

Feeling suicidal is probablly one of the worst feelings in the world, its not so much about wanting to die but wanting to end your suffering, it is not a sign of weakness, just of a very hurting soul. Everyones tolerance for how much suffering they can endure is different and haveing other mental illness plays a huge role in being suicidal and actually attempting and succedeing at suicide...Please if you are feeling suicidal, desperate and alone reach out, I implore you...Your pain seems so much more then you can bare, BUT it can get better with talking and treatment, and possiably medication, please before you take that final and permanent action...

If you live in the U.S. you can call 1-800-273-8255 thats 1-800-273-HELP
or
www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

If you live in Australia the help line is LifelineAUSTRALIA 13 11 14
or
www.helplines.org.au/

Please reach out..YOU ARE VALUABLE...and WORTH THE FIGHT!!

Love, Tara

burning eyes...

2011-09-02T05:59:00.000-04:00

I didnt go to bed til after midnight and i was up at 5 am yesterday, Alyssa was scared and felt the need to wake me up at 4:30 am. Im going to be exhausted later, school starts at 8 i need to be there by 7:45...to fingerprint scan in, how wierd is that they take attendance by scanning your thumb, guess i really have been out of school a long time :). Its an excellerated LPN program so over the next 10 months I will be taking 14 courses re:32.5 hours of classes per week, I am purchasing my books today and it has been suggested by my A and P teacher to read the first 10 chapters by wendsday...really 10 chapters?? im going to have quite the work load, they said its not possiable to do well without doing at least 2 hours of studying per night.
im a little overwhelmed the kids start school on thursday which means they too will have homework and reading and dinner and baths, then my studies. my mom plans on helping I just hope it all works out, its going to be an intense 10 months, but I know it will be worth it, clinical starts Nov.21, our first rotation is in a nursing home there are 4, but my second rotation is in 2 of the 3 major hospitals here in the good old capitol of NY, Im soooo excited, I cant wait to work at Albany med center, you get to do your rotations on 2 out 5 units, Obstectrics, med surge (like I could be in a OR...surgery really??) Pediatrics, Trauma or ED (emergency Department), I would LOVE to help a women give birth, pediactrics seems like it would be hard, it would be really heart wrentching to see children suffering, but ED, that would be exciting I think, there are children there too ofcourse, but still it would be cool.
After I graduate, sit for my boards and get a job I plan on eventually continueing my Education, I know this is going to be hard but Im actually pretty excited about learning and being around other adults.
I have been a little manic lately due to the lack of sleep so I will need to keep an eye on that, Lunch was difficult yesterday soooo many people, I went to my car and drove to rite aide and found a marathon bar and dt mountain dew and ate in my car...not sure what i will do today, thats going to be a challange i will have to overcome, there is a Mr.sub next door, where i could get a 6 in turkey and veg sub, im sure i eventually will its just going to take some time. I have started walking again, i need to watch that too to make sure i dont get obsessive, but its also important to get in some exercise for my health and sanity:).
I had to fill out an emergency contact and medication list...that was embarrassing, the meds I take are pretty classic for bipolar, so its going to be obvious, need to make sure my mood stays stable, I dont to give them any reason to think Im not capable.
we have two courses Im really excited about mental health (lol) I will ace that:)and nutrition and wellness ( I could probablly teach the class on nutrition)...

hmmmm what else??

I think thats about it for now, my eyes are still burning so I think its time for one more cup of coffee...oh yeah last night I re read all my blog posts from 2010 to march of this year...I have come soooo far, I cant believe 6 months ago I overdosed, thats the furtherest thing from my mind now, im actually excited...lets see how I feel while Im reading those 10 chapters :)

Love to all,
Tara

first day of school

2011-08-31T20:55:00.001-04:00

Its been 11 yrs since I have had a first day of school, 11 yrs...at the moment I am seemingly calm. I am hoping that I sleep tonight and dont wake up at 3 in anticipation of the day, I always wake up numerous times a night but usually I take an extra sleep med and am able to fall back to sleep but I wont do that if I wake tonight out of fear I wont wake up on time. I dont have to be there til 8 but I am waking at 6, and leaving at 7:15, its only 15 min away but I want to stop at Starbucks get my grande non fat latte and be early, I have this horrendous fear of being late.

So anyway, on my last post...I want to explain where all the ED thoughts came from and why they are unfortunately still here...my childrens T Dr.B has been doing allot of research on how to help children with mood disorders who have not had much success with medication...Zack has been officially dx with "mood disorder w/bipolar traits" he has been on numerous medications, many he was allergic too, a few that there were no benefits from, and one that worked but caused him to gain 20 pounds in 4 months so he had to come off it, that was at the end of april...so here we are of another new med with seemingly no benefits :( so she suggested a "mood" diet minimal sugar, no processes foods, no artificial sweeteners, hormone free, organic produce, no red or yellow dye, no fast food...just allot of NO'S, and that is just the tip of the iceberg she hasnt even got into ratio's yet, needless to say I have been hyper sensitive and completely anal about everyones food intake, what it is, whats in it, where its from, what nutrients are in it, I have been spending quite a bit of time grocery shopping, planning and preparing food, ...in addition to the diet changes, she also suggested more structered exercise times, while she thinks that thier active play is wonderful and extremely beneficial to their health

hmmmm

2011-08-25T20:42:00.000-04:00

I am going to nursing school next week..yes i got in... I am moving on saturday first with my mom for three weeks then to a great apartment...my house still hasnt sold((boo))..but on the outside things are seeming to be going better...seeming...horriable things with R took place last week or so..accusations ...denials...lies...deceptions...intoxicated mistakes...and although right now on the outside i appear to have it all together...i feel i might unravel...i feel as though i may never have someone love me, as though I will always be second, that i am not good enough...i will go to school and get a job and move...but im so freaking scared...i will push forward, but it would be a bold face lie if i said i wasnt dying to run back to my Ed..I in fact cant wait for school to start for the main reason...i will not have to nor be able to eat breakfast nor lunch and dinner will be with my mom and there will be no drinking and that as u well know makes you fat so yes i cant wait for school...for future and dreams...but i cant wait for the weight loss that will occur...i havent had the ability to hold to ED law due to my inability to stop the alcohol, but now...alcohol will be gone and finally i will be thin again...

I cant wait for school

I just cant wait

Bella

2011-06-19T23:35:00.000-04:00

words spoken and not
Lives weaved together like that of soft knit blanket, its warmth giving life to our deadened souls..
the tales mirror one another, the love and pain shared by both
The story never starts as a tragedy, its a love story through and through
love of two souls brought together through a fear, kept together by love and joined together through death
My soul is breathed air into through your words
My heart is lifted through your care
To think I might lose you too crushes my spirit
To hold you and walk into the sand doons gives me hope
You are priceless, worth more then diamonds
that glisten in the sunlight, beams of beauty, shimmering into the sky
To show you of your worth, the stringent value of you being, the truth of you soul,
I would give anything to see you find peace in yourself
We will find peace together
Together we will find our ever present purpose, know our truths and begin to accept love as we have learned to love from one another
I will take a deep breath of the same air
And say all will be well.

All my love, Tara

Fathers day

2011-06-19T18:24:00.000-04:00

I dont know why I thought the day would pass as "just another day"...nothing about my life the last 15 months has been just another day, everthing is always harder...I woke up with a knot in my stomach, hoping the day would just dissapear. But it didnt. Alyssa wanted to go to the cematary, we bought ballons and we sat at the grave for a good hour...I was ready to leave but she wasnt, 100 questions later I told we had to go. It was heartbreaking, she wants to buried next her dad, what 8 yr old thinks about her own death like that, I still cant believe he is really dead, gone forever, Its days like these that make me think I will never really be whole again...the night flashed through my mind in bits in pieces, like one broken up nightmare. Screaming, thrashing, lights, sirens, people in and out, crying, watching my sleeping children, praying morning wouldnt come, it was allso surreal, throwing myself on top of the coffin, trying them to prevent it from being lowered in, someone dragging me away, carrying me to a car, yelling at me to get it together.

some days it feels like yesterday and sometimes it feels like its forever, today is one of those days that it feels like it just happened. Wounds are reopened, fears of the future, and nightmares of the past, all surface like the tides of ocean...in and out the scenes come in like the crashing of waves. You can make footprints in the sand, and the water rushes in and erases them. If that what these lifes are???Just footprints in the sand waiting to be erased. I refuse to believe that, but days like today make all to easy to want to my footprint to be erased, all it would take is one crashing wave...

It never really goes away...sigh

2011-06-18T16:58:00.000-04:00

for the last couple of weeks I have been physically sick, very sick...I went to the doctor yesterday after much fight as I loath going, ( R said he wouldnt talk to me if I didnt go and the blah blah of if you care about me you will go...wah wah) I went and I am no on antibiotics, cough syrup with codine and steriods and my lungs are sucky right now...

last week, maybe thursday, maybe wenesday, when I really strarted feeling the exhaustion of being ill, I just kinda lost my appitite, I also stopped taking my rispirdol (S knows as of yesterday and I will tell pdoc next week)...rispirdol makes me hungry, makes me eat ALOT, and slows down my metabilism, it does the same for my son, thats why he is no longer on it, it happens, its a side affect and in turn I have gained wieght, and am well DISGUSTED...its funnt how after doing well with body image (dispite the weight gain) after feeling more stable (much more) since ip in march that My ED would just slip right in again, at full force I might add...after my doctor apt yesterday, I ran some errands got my meds and took my darlings to see Mr. Poppers Penquins ( FREAKING FANTASTIC movie see it you wont be dissapointed), we got out around 7, and I hadnt anything all day by the time I got to the food court I was dizzy shakey and seeing double, bad thing in general but when you have three kids in tow its a bit scary...I finally got thier food sat them down and walked to subway...first problem they didnt have my bread ( should not be a big deal but totally was) I had to have honey oat instead of whole wheat and all I could think was "the honey in this bread probablly doubles the calories" totally irrational (I can see that now)...turkey and veg (6in)on honey oat, thats what I ate yesterday and festered on it ALL night...can you feel sick from eating and better from it all at the same time?

my concern HOW THE FUCK CAN ED JUST FALL RIGHT BACK IN AFTER AN EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME ..... REMISSION?

I can not get sick again, I have to much going on, I have a test in a week for the nursing program, I need to be on top of my game, its reality now I need to get a degree, get a life and move on.

Am I self sabatoging cause I am really scared? I have a feeling I might be, with my all or nothing thinking ( If I dont make the top 15% I am doomed to be a failure for the rest of my life)...S and I talked yesterday how there are OTHER programs, and maybe I could test again, but either way its not the end of the world.

But it feels that way, not eating should NOT be so easy, ED should fuck off, I need a reality check, and i really need you guys to tellmanage to get t me how you through stressful life situations and not fall down the rabbit hole, its time to create a new path, the old one is getting well old...Im ready but scared as hell at the same time,,,its normal right, healthy fear is normal?

yet I fear it will paralyze me and stop me in my tracks, its really not an option this time, I wont be sick anymore, yet right now I am so stuck...so torn..

Help please

Love Tara

Stuck in the past but moving foward

2011-06-14T12:53:00.000-04:00

Im trying to anyway...Im trying to get into nursing school in the fall, there is a test I need to take in 2 weeks and I need to be in the top 15% to get into the program, Im making strides with the kids, Im down to once a week therapy, every other week K (dietition) and every other week pdoc, seeing them all so often was just so time consuming, expensive and really I feel like right now I cant be bothered, it keeps me in "sick" mode, it makes me feels helpless and needy and I dont want to be those things...on the other hand I feel the ED pulling at me, I havent eaten much the last few days, anxiety is up and Im generally exhausted, scared about going back to school and really missing my husband, like terriably, I miss having a partner, Im so lonely, so so deeply lonely, I cry cause Im alone....things with R are still the same nearly 6 months of this, its so stupid on my part, but again Im lonely and still afraid of a real relationship, its my way of keeping myself safe, he gets jealous and protective, both feel good yet scare me, I think I have forgotten the bad parts of Mike and seem to be only remembering the good, I want my kids to have a dad, I want their dad, when Isaiah grows up he will say my dad died when I was two, hes four now and really I think he may have forgotten him, he hasnt mentioned him in months and months, I guess its good cause hes not in as much pain as Alyssa, but he wont remember him when hes older either and that saddens me very greatly, its been 15 months, I seem to go through phases where I am busy and trying to move forward and then I seem to get really stuck in the past, missing him and of that night...

anyway, I have missed blogging tremendously, I need to start writing again, I have missed you all, this entry may have seemed blahhh, but im doing better then I was three months ago, just sad lonely and instead of using my healthy coping skills, The Ed feels very alluring...very very alluring, but my logical mind knows that if I want to go school I MUST stay healthy, it just has to happen, I will do my best and keep trying to move forward, after all, the past is gone and cant be relieved, I really have no other choice.

Love you all
\
Tara

when you have lost all hope...

2011-05-15T19:28:00.000-04:00

of being normal

Its hard to accept to take in what you been through and what you have done.

I have been having a secret affair for 4 months, and I love him and he loves me and it can never be because its so wrong.
I miss when hes not here and feel guilty when he is

I love seeing him lay on my couch
but know its not real

I deserve better...something real

but he doesnt hit me, and that I have never had
I want so bad for it to be real

but reality is it can never happen

and for that I heart broken

Lessons....

2011-04-21T08:47:00.000-04:00

My dear friend Bella has a private blog( I think), she is spectacular and amazing and perfectly wonderful. Are lives mirror each other, we have known each other for 5 years, and though we have never met face to face I have to say she is the most amazing women I know, her strength, courage, love, generosity of time, love of her babies ( Roxy, poppy and swiz, shout out to the furry kids), determination, beauty, inner and out, AMAZES me....

We have both suffered great loss due to the suicide of our partners

suffered with an Eating disorder for many many...to many years

love great jokes, good music, flamboyant gay men and a good stiff vodka

We both feel each others deep pain, and greatest joys.

We hurt hard, and love even greater.

She is amazing

I would encourage everyone to email her for an invite, her blog is called truth and bone and can be found on my blog role....this is what she came up with with inspiration for dear Ben (im stealing this because its wonderful and helpful and I feel you all should do this as just doing it this morning has helped me....

State for your day

your highlight

your lowlight

what you learned today

what you are grateful for today

and what you are good at that you did during the day

the title of this post is "Lessons from Ben" and although is short, I think its brilliant, and wanted to share with you all, and if her blogs not private ( I really cant remember) CHECK HER OUT!!!

Share with us yours...here are mine from yesterday

highlight: talking to bella cause I missed her very much

lowlight: learning that there might not be much else they can do med wise to help stablize my mood

what I learned: that if I just start my day it might not be as bad as I anticipate

what I am grateful for: that my mom is awesome and helps even with small things that seem to much for me right now

what I am good at: being a good mom, as hard as it is to admit my kids have been through hell this year and they may hurt hard but they love even harder and that says something for me.

Thank you my dear girl, I hope you dont mind me sharing this I just thought it was so wonderful it needed to be reposted.

xox

Taking a break

2011-04-12T11:14:00.000-04:00

I am okay, in a sort of detached way, I dont want anyone to worry, I just havent anything to say...I do, just to tired to say it, Life is as it is...I muddle through, good days and bad days, but nothing makes me happy...Im sure qs soon as I press publish, I will want to write, but right now its been two weeks and I cant bring myself to write...im tired, but I will press foward, I will still read everyones blogs, but right now I just cant be bothered...to be...real, it just hurts to much.

Much love to all, thank you for always supporting me, being there and commenting.

Tara

Bloggers Block/Fuck Faces

2011-03-27T11:01:00.000-04:00

There are words swirling around in my head, tons and tons of words, but when I go to put them "down" they get stuck, stuck in my head, just swirling around with no where to go but to drive me mad! Im am going to try to get it out at least some of it, I am going to try to break it down:

The x in laws:

March first, I texted them that we were having a small family party for Alyssa's 8th birthday and invited them to come....Backdrop...Alyssa didnt have a friend party because they told her they wouldnt come to it, she deceided on a family party, in hopes they would attend at least that...so I text them, inviting them to the party, they respond, "we will be unable to attend, we will take her and give her, her present a different day"...Alyssa was devastated, she was crying and wanted to speak with them, so she called, they informed her "they had something else to do", I text them back, what is wrong with you, why wont you come to alyssas birthday party, again they text back with the something else to do BS, I was pissed at this point because really if you cant change your plans ( which now that I see the whole picture there were no other plans) for your 8 yr oldf grand daughters birthday then you are a fuck face and should be slapped, Alyysa is sobbing and really upset this whole time, which really fueled my intense anger, I texted them back you are selfish and clearly have other reasons, but "if you change your mind your mind you are still welcome"....no response, alyssa is devastated, she calls they upset her AGAIN, I get on the phone yelling (in my room ) what is wrong with you, you are her last connection to her father and you cant be there for her, taking her out a different day isnt good enough, its not what she wants...Big Dilhole interupts and says ( heres where I lose my shiz) "well YOU must understand we BLAME YOU for Michaels death, and WE dont want to be around YOU" I lost It, was swearing, tried to say my piece and they hung up...I was shaking and crying and convulsing all because I INVITED them to MY daughters Birthday. I eventually pull it together and text the fuck faces and tell them " obviously you cant put aside, YOUR feelings for what is in alyssas best interest, you are selfish and no longer allowed to see my children." MInd you I was flipping pissed, hurt, fustrated, scared, shamed, guilt ridden, angry, you name I was feeling it, BUT even with what they said to me, I ofcourse know what is best for my children is to HAVE a relationship with thier grandparents (even though it has for the last yr been a sporadic and superficial one)....they never text me back they say thats not fair, they dont fight me on it, which just fuels my assumption, that the kids are not that important to them and I am a murderer. Fast foward to March 10th, my daughters birthday, I hear from them in a certified letter sent from family court, yes they took me to court and had the summons delivered on my daughters birthday, they are suing me for visitation. This all in my oppinion could have been worked out if they had communicated with me but thats not how these passive aggressive fuck faces work, they said awful things about me in their petition, namely I have anorexia/bulimia/bipolar, and they need to be awarded visitation " to ensure their grandchildrens safety and well being" lets just be honost here...they dont even know who their teachers are, their doctors, ANYTHING that happens in their daily life, they know NOTHING and Help NONE, they pick them up take them some where to play for an hour, get them dinner and bring them home every other week at the most,made me they lied in the petition, they made me out to be crazy and they called me a murderer!

Yes I am pissed.

I have court at 9 am on friday, My sister is an attorney so she is taking care of thing, I have the kids doctor involved and most likely nothing will take place on fri, it will be ajorned unless they agree to my terms which cause they are fucks will probably just fuck me around for a while, still my anxiety is through the bloody roof, Im a hot mess on the inside, but Im trying ( successfully) not to let it pour through onto my children, I dont speak poorly on their grandparents, I dont talk about them at all and either do they, they havent seen them in over a month and they dont seem to care, but what eves I have to deal with this, one more bloody thing, plus the whole you killed him thing....been working for over a yr to rid myself of the "what ifs" and all the guilt that goes along with it and they actually believe that its my fault....which led to the not sleeping for days and the "over dose"....

I will continue this post, later on, I think its gonna take some time to continue with this, and my darlings need to get ready, we have a pine wood derby race for Zacks Boy Scouts...think mini cars, mini race track, lots of little boys...he had to help make the car so hes pretty excited...

okay lovelies, til later

Tara

goes to show you

2011-03-22T12:22:00.000-04:00

I had forgotten or didnt realize that I had been posting all the drama that had unfolded since the beginning of march...I just went to read what I had posted lately and saw that I was writing during that time, not that understandable, but still I was there...I dont remember it though, it kinda all seems like it was a dream...

Goes to show you just how fucked in the head I was...

and

today

I have done nothing but play video games with Isaiah, watch him play some imaginary game with star wars, watched Dora the explorer, and oh yeah, catch up on like a zillion blogs, I read allot, didnt comment much but read allot...

Im feeling a bit confused today, not sure why, keep thinking about his parents and court and its throwing my anxiety into a tizzy..

blurgggggg

smoke then shower

we ALL have therapy today!!!

much love

Im Home

2011-03-22T07:03:00.000-04:00

seeing a little more clearly..

Dealing with horrific nightmares, due to no longer self medicating, and things once again resurfacing ( OH JOY)

Im home, thank god

back to trying to make things okay

It was a much needed break .... learning how to self care again was very important...Im trying...

Im trying, flat this morning...

but much better then I was

Tired I think

Drinking coffee with no splenda

I will post a real post soon...

just wanted to let everyone know Im going to be okay, and yes I am home

oh and 10 days no smokes

almost

KILLED ME

:) :) :)

Love, Tara

Hospital

2011-03-09T21:05:00.000-05:00

Im going Ip friday

for trauma, suicidal thoughts and attempts and detox and a med staightout all much needed

thats all

just thought Id let you all know I gave in

let go of my pride

and decieded my kids deserve a mother who isnt trying to off herself at every turn...

no computer

no phone

no smokes

I hope I am heavily medicated

or it just might make me crazier

okay

peace out

try to update tomorrow on real feelings

right now

not sure how I feel

catch 22

2011-03-06T21:25:00.000-05:00

I want out
but It seems that I have so much to live for
I dont to go IP
but I would like the safety it provides...from myself
Im exhausted....but...cant sleep
I spend my days betweens mania and depression...rapid cycling
hell I think
Its all a catch 22 because if I die I wont know if there is more for me out there
but if I live its all such pain and work
Im so tired
I wish I could just die for a while then come back when I am ready to fight
but it doesnt work that way
its a catch 22
and I am undecieded as to which way I want to go
I am a mom
but if I wasnt
I would just take the out
because really
the misery
out wieghs
the joy
for now I will go on
day to day
doing my job
praying for old age
when death is acceptable
its going to be a long life
and Im already so tired
what happened
last week I was excited to live
now
I dont want to

Im debateing

2011-03-05T20:01:00.000-05:00

whether or not to go IP/PHP something for addiction, trauma depression and suicidal thoughts....I hate the hospital, but living this life....full of pain, fear and anxiety, numbed by voodka, somehow doesnt seem right..

first though I will have to get thin...

because as you know no one is worth help unless they look like a victim of famine

I have thought about cutting...but thats an addiction too...better not to start something that could just end it, as I seem to take every thing to far....

MENTAL ILLNESS SUCKS

I want more

2011-03-04T20:37:00.000-05:00

...the "suicide attempt" has left me well feeling...well sad, that it didnt kill me or put me to sleep, that I would have to take so much more to snuff my being from this world and I will most never get the chance with pills again...its also left me feeling manic, like I am invincable nothing can touch me I am a super power, who can take 36 clonipin...nearly a liter of voodka and some other odds and ends pills and still be standing...me thats who. blurgggg. I have the bestest friend ever who gives my heart a reason to live to hope and to soar...I dream of kangeroos, of holding her and watching the waves crash...but thats 7 months away, so I breath and hold tight and try to believe I will be okay.

Rey didnt go to work last night, my mom took my kids and he stayed the night we made love for hours and I fell asleep in in his arms...I slept for 3 hours, safe from the world and close to another warm body...

I want more

whether it be connection...death...or sleep...its all so romantic...love...death...peace

whatever it is I want more

The last few days...

2011-03-03T20:56:00.000-05:00

have been a pathetic mess...to the point where I was almost certified this afternoon, I was flabbergasted but it almost happened..

you see monday night my inlaws point blank on the telephone...said..."well you must understand we think you killed our son"

yuppp yep after a yr of working to rid those feeling of guilt, shame, pain, anguish and quilt I allowed then to take away all I had learned and come to believe, in a matter in seconds...long story short I hadnt slept since sunday...still thurday night and no sleep yet///between yesterday and the 12 hours earlier...36 hrs I took 30 something clonipin..apparently that is a suicide attemp...add that to a bout a little over a liter of voodka and in that time, I almost died ...so they say....

I cant even talk right now about how much I am hurting

right now I just want to take the 15 I have stashed for emergency purposes:(

if you pay pray for me...my kids are at thier grandmas...I have a bottle of voodka..pills prescribed and not...not so much to die...just t o quiet the noise

Somethings changed

2011-02-27T16:07:00.000-05:00

I dont know how are when it happened but somethings changed...I WANT more, more then the life with ED could give me, I am amazed by my own STRENGTH, its been nearly a yr, I have been ALMOST hospitalized several times...but almost is what I said, I have pulled myself out numerous times, this year I know everyone thought I would crumble and die within myself, that I wouldnt be able to carry on, shit I thought that I wouldnt be able to carry on, and allot of times I didnt want to, I wanted to take the easy way out, but I didnt and I think that I am so much stronger then I ever thought I could be, I fight for whats best for my kids, I am doing everything I need to do for them and I am doing it alone, ALONE, I am parenting better then I ever have before, dealing with issues I never dreamed that I would have to deal with...but Im doing it, I Am doing it, me, by myself, something I never thought I could do. Oh dont get me wrong ED is still there, but Im ignoring it, Today for example it was time for breakfast and I wasnt hungry any other time I would have just waited til I got so hungry I couldnt stand it then say it had been to long so I couldnt eat even though I wanted to, BUT today I ate cause it was time to, I still cant stand my body but I am not focusing on it ALL day...I look, I pinch, I think well "just a little..." then I think nope, feeling this way, not living in constant fear and chaos is worth a little extra around my middle, so what Im not the thinnest, Im definatly not the fattest either, and you know what, Im okay, and every day I will become more okay with who I am, who I am changing to, and eventually who I will be...I have realized that changing into someone who is not sick is OKAY! For the first time in maybe 16 years I dont want to be the sick one, I want people to have faith in me, to respect me for my strength, my courage and my abilitys of which I have many but have always denied...something has changed, and I like it, I like who I am becoming and cant wait to find out who I will become tomorrow and 20 years from now.

Somethings changed and you know what I do believe I like it...yup I do!!!

Love,

Tara

I have an anouncement!!!

2011-02-23T22:13:00.000-05:00

ARE YOU READY!!!!????

I am going to AUSTRAILIA!!!

in OCTOBER

TO visit my baby girl BELLA

I cant wait

Im checking out flights now

and

the clincher

we have agreed unless we are both healthy it wont happen....

I have never been more motivated in my life....

yes my kids

but

for me

I never have had it

and now

I do

I cant freaking believe it

my mom is going to watch the kids, I am looking at flights, Im going to see my girl and we are both going to be healthy, I have never ( except the birth of my children) wanted anything more....can you believe this...

Im going to fly 22 hours ALONE....but Im not even scared...cause the what ME wants is so much greater then what the illnesses want...

Thats right folks..Im going to Australia!!!!

love you all

with love and extreme excitement

TARA

So excited!!!

2011-02-21T11:23:00.000-05:00

ITS EDAW!!! and Im so excited cause I just DECIEDED that Im going to be 100% healthy no later then october because I am going on a very special trip!!! what a great week to really dig into recovery!!!!

Im starting by going back to journaling ....following mp, making purging a non option, nixing the drinking, and just generally trying to love me for me!!!

It might sound like a lot but I will go slow, I just have recently seen the bigger picture and for the first time in a while really want to be here to live my life....Bella...7 months((hugs))

what are you guys doing for EDAW???

love love

and....

2011-02-18T21:08:00.000-05:00

being in love...

feeling love...

and giving love...

they are different...

so really, someone tell me

the top 2, whats the difference

and lust

where does that fall into play

really I need to know cause I so

CONFUSED

love, Me

hmmmmm

2011-02-16T22:30:00.000-05:00

Im not pregnant, didnt know that was a worry of mine, well it totally was, we have slept together like 15 or 16 time since the last 2.7 weeks and I was late ( as usual) as was panicking I was pregnant, can you imagine, I cant, totally, I just I mean Im really fertile even though I am NEVER regular, and he apparently has super sperm so the thought of haveing a child not married, having an affair and dealing with all those repercussions was and is not something I want to deal with...I mean we are protecting ourselves but still shit happens and I dont believe in abortion, he knows that, can you imagine that happening, omg I would die..Im drunk, but just wanted to say, thank the good lord Im not with child, for numerous reasons! 1) Im not pregnant 2) I couldnt be drunk if I were 3)I dont have to deal with all the horriableness if I were pregnant and 4) I dont have to get a fatter cause IM NOT pregnant!!!!!!!

okay Im having another drink to celerbrate...what you gonna do??

Love you all

me

valentines days

2011-02-14T21:22:00.000-05:00

I would like to write a post about how spectacular I am doing and if I wrote this 4 days ago I could have, i have could have told you I went a week following my mp and not purging, that I was okay with the affair i am having, that I wasnt depressed, or anxious, or suicidal, but that didnt last long and I am a mess again, Im sure you expected this, wish I did....wish I knew what to expect from myself ...wish I knew what I could handle, what I cant, why I dont know my own limits, Im not sure, but I do know that THIS, THIS is not working for me...I thought I could hanle this but i cant, I kiss him and long for more, he holds me and I believe it will last forever, its valentines day and I remember the past, love that is real, that lasts that holds true despite the pain and anguish, its a cold hard reminder that this is my life, one of falicities, and untruths, my husband eho knew my every waking thought is gone and I am left with someone who can not give me his all, who does not not my secrects and is not him, I ache on this day, my insides hurt to the point of burning and still I long for stolen moments to pretend, to pretend that i am whole, that I am fulfilled...to acknowledge I am a sexual being and have needs is one thing but to pretend they are being fulfilled is something completely, a different form of denial...I accept what is given to me because I dont think I deserve or cant fathom actually having something real, but Im here, living in some crazy world where what is real or so seems to be is not and I am in that world, and fuck, it bloody hurts

Tara

It was a good thing???

2011-02-07T13:52:00.000-05:00

really?? Friday S and I were deep in conversation, trying to figure out how I was going to keep myself out of the hospital...I kinda looked at her in complete distress, and was like "Im not going, so I need to figure this out."

Okay she said then lets do it!

and we talked, sometimes I wanted to cover my ears and close my eyes because it was just so hard ( sometimes I did), but then she finally asked the question that made me cringe "Did you feel anything, are you feeling anything??"

after what seemed like hours, I closed my eyes and whispered "yes"

she started clapping, no joke, clapping, bet you are wondering why??

Cause I FELT something, I wasnt completely dead inside, I wasnt so numb that I couldnt feel, did it feel good and horriable at the same time, yes, but I was feeling it...

let me back track.

Last Sunday I took all the meds S had given me for the week, my mom took my kids cause I hadnt slept in days, and I swear I just wanted to sleep, but if I am honost I have to admitt that a part of me hoped that those pills would do more then put me to sleep. I take 5 medications 3 of which are taken 2xs a day, it was about 70 pills ( I took throughout the day, not all at once) S wanted me to in the hospital, we spoke on the phone and I was about 5 mins and 1 breakdown away from having the crazy police called on my ass...by tuesday I was convinced I would end up in the hospital, I had a major breakdown fearing for my kids, that I was caught between a rock and a hard place, I needed the hospital, my anxiety was so out of control, I wasnt sleeping or eating, peeing was overwhelming, and honostly I wasnt the best person to be taking care of my kids, I clearly couldnt take care of myself let alone them, my mom was over allot over those 5 days, but couldnt be there full time if I went to the hospital, so I really really needed to get my act together or really what I needed was a miracle, I decieded to eat dinner last tuesday night because I was so anxious, so distraught and fearful and I knew that I was only making everything worse by not eating, I sat down and ate that frozen dinner, I didnt feel any better, but no worse so I did it the next day only I started my meal time at noon instead of 7 at night and I ate 3 times that day...and have since last wenesday, Last Friday I was still in a really bad spot...the difference was I was taking action and responsibility for myself, if I ended up in the hospital it wasnt going to be because I was refusing to eat therefore making my meds not work and everything else just a plain mess...I acted and still acting and it feels good.

anyway, so while we were talking and I realized that what might have set me off was not just sleeping with R, but perhaps the fact that the guilt I felt for actually enjoying it ( at least in the moment) I have for as long as I can remember denied any need for anything, I didnt need physical contact, or touch or love, I didnt need food, or new clothes, or anything, i didnt have the same needs that everyone else had ( except I did, I just wouldnt admitt it, I tried to supress it all and deny myself of any type of needs or wants, but when I slept with R, and enjoyed it ( which is apparently what normal people do when they have sex:))I was OVERWHELMED with tons of supressed emotions, that I hadnt felt in years, it was so overwhelming that I felt like I was dying, but guess what?? I didnt die, I m still here, and working harder at trying to name the emotion and then have an appropriate reaction to that emotion ( still really early on in the process but I am trying).

Im okay, and thinking S is right, It might not have been the right thing, but it was definately a good thing...

feelings good or bad are meant to be felt, Im slowly learning its okay to feel something good, and that when I do feel something good, I dont have to feel bad about it.

Amen to realizations

Love, Tara

2011-02-02T12:19:00.000-05:00

Im so depressed, I cant breath, I cant move, Im desperate to just disappear, I dont want to live anymore, its not worth the pain, I lost my love, he hurt me so much and I dont know how to live without heartache, so I have allowed myself to create new heartache, new pain, Im jealous and sad , I feel manipulated, stolen moments of comfort are not worth this pain, waiting for the moments I feel cared for and the pain Im creating, hes probably, done this before, Im sure he tells me all lies, he will never leave her and I really dont want him to, I just want something, I cant figure what it is, why cant I find real love, one that doesnt hurt, its me, Im so not worth care, I have yet again proved my worth is of no value, I just want the hurt to go away, it never will, I feel destined to live in this limbo...of living but wanting to die, please dear god take me in my sleep, Im so not okay, I cant even describe how much this has screwed me up, and I was already fucked up,Im not sure how I will do this, I just want to leave this world, "I have such strong feelings for you, your eyes are so beautiful, I want you, Im going to leave her..."lies I should have never believed...and now I am broken hearted again...Im so broken

I deserve death

2011-02-01T23:07:00.002-05:00

see previous post as to why

slut pretty much sums my sorry ass off

If I were her and I found out I would be pissed

but she will kill me...she s big and WILL cause me harm

fuck

I am in Hell

2011-02-01T21:10:00.000-05:00

Physical and emotional Hell...This man makes me feel something, something I havent in a long time, some need is being filled, cared for maybe, its wrong, very wrong, but I am drawn to the attention and nuturing and physical touch...and he helps me with my kids, but its still wrong and its so hard.

but its taking its toll I have slept 7 hours since thursday, and yesterdayI was the first day was able to eat since thursday night...

Im a mess and need to fix this, I feel like such a slut for this but... I really just crave the touch.

Im so sorry I have let you all down

this is not who I am

stupid is stupid does

2011-01-29T19:17:00.000-05:00

I have done something I am to embarressed to even tell you guys, I cant not even believe what I have done, perhaps Mike was right, I am no good and cant be trusted, I need support, I know I am being cryptic but really Im so ashamed and my feelings are so conflicted, Im so loney and I know I have put myself in an awful position, I just needed human touch. and now I must deal with the fallout..

Hey

2011-01-23T09:33:00.000-05:00

Borrowing my nieghbors computer which makes me super uncomfortable because I am always afraid they can somehow find my blog or other stuff I am working on, anyway, Iam in complete shit, S and I are going to start doing BCA's again ( Behavior chair analysis ) because I am really going down hill...my days...Coffee, Starve, gym, and then night rolls around and I B/p several times, Im in a fog, dont really remember much or what I did most days, I saw S on friday and she was like "I havent seen you this confused in a while and every time I do, it leads to you being in the hospital." I got mad and sad "no freaking way" then she pulled out the " well you are not safe right now and you are alone with your kids, you have no backup and you are falling really fast, I cant even communicate with you because you keep forgetting what you or I said." funny I can remember it now....hmmmmm but she was right, I was lost, Im falling asleep at any point and time durning the day because my body is just giving out...my mom came to watch the kids yesterday so I could workout, she arrived to find me half asleep on the couch, " I thought you would be jumping at the bit to get out of here and you are sleeping, whats wrong with you?" I ofcourse popped up threw on my workout clothes and went for a good run and some wieght training, but truth be told it was all such a n effort, I was exhausted, but the upside is I am sore since I added wieght training to the regime ...Im pretty messed up right now and see her point as to where I will be in a few bits time if I dont figure out and end this relaspe, I B/P 3xs last night, I woke up at 3am which such a dry mouth it hurt, but my throat was so raw it hurt to drink the water, my coffee has gone down easier this morning but Im shakey and well I know I need to turn things around just feeling very unable, I say everyday TODAY will be the day to do it right, but I always fail, I would feel better even if I just ate minimally without the purging, its so draining, sucks the life right out of you. I have to get my labs done monday, kinda nervous I have put it off for almost 2 weeks but my ED doctor ( how ironic is this) goes to my gym, we usually go opposite times, me in the morning and her in the evening but after T last week I went at night and guess who was behind me my WHOLE run, thats right Dr.A...I was so embarressed to be engaging in my Ed with my doctor watching SUCKS, we made small talk and I hightailed it out of there, but first she made mention that she hadnt recieved my labs...hmmmm I said "I forgot" right, I just wanted more time cause I thought I could fix my labs with a few days not purging but that hasnt happened so I guess I should just get them done...okay I know I am very scattered, I think I am heading for some hypomania, more then likely cause my pm meds get purged every night, Im shaking right now but will probablly be sleeping some time this afternoon, okay off to get ready for church.

Love to you all, thankyou so much for all your care and concern you are all such beautiful souls

love you, Tara

I am about to say screw it

2011-01-10T19:14:00.000-05:00

not that I havent completely engrossed myself in listening to the neverending bitch voice in my head that tells me what a worthless peice of shit and a pathetic loser of a human I am, but really its right, my husband killed himself cause I fucken went off and left him ( yes he was abusive, but he fucken didnt deserve to die) I am fucken selfish bitch who should fucken suffer, I ran and starved all day yesterday and ate 2 (meals) and purged, just to rid myself of the hate, like I was pulling all the bad out of me, but its still here...the bad, the disgust, the loathing , the grief, shame, guilt...Im not numb enough, I want to drink, to take to many meds, to just make it all go away...its not just the number although that was the trigger...its the pain, and Im about to say screw it all. I wish I were dead

I am...

2011-01-09T12:00:00.000-05:00

an ugly fat piece of ugly worthless shit, and should be shot, slain or at least punched in the face HARD!!

Yes they coherced me to get on the Wii Fit.

Someone fucking kill me now...seriously, i can not describe how completely fucking disgusted I am with myself...I HATE me...I want to die!!!

like literally want to die, I will not eat, I will run, I WILL make myself small...I will disapear...

I am full of complete despair

loathingly yours

FAT ASS

Wii Fit Plus

2011-01-09T09:07:00.000-05:00

my kids got it for christmas ( not by me)...long story short, they love it,a nd I now have a scale in my house, I havent used it, but Im so tempted, I havent known my wieght in nearly 3 yrs, it will become an obession, and if it higher then what I think it will send me into crisis mode...they want me to play, but the repercussuions for me to be "evaluated" by that board...are they worth the damage, to my mind, I shouldnt let it tell me my worth, its like a super scale, that will verblize how fat I am, bmi, wieght, wii age, shit that will all play tricks on me, its pretty accurate, the kids were just at the doctor and it was the exact same wieght on the wii as in the doctor, dam technology, what should I do, I guess I know the answer, I just need confirmation Im not being a bad mom by not hopping on the board, they want me to, but I know it will drive me mad...deep sigh...fucking ED wrecks EVERYTHING!!!

more random pics

2011-01-08T09:14:00.000-05:00

Please see previous post for some more random cuteness :)

Some Random xmas photos

2011-01-08T09:05:00.001-05:00

so you know me and photos dont mix ( getting them on blogger)

lets see, I think think the first one is of Isaiah in the snow, The second is me, first thinghey x mas morning, the next one is of alyssa posing in front of the tree, then its Zack playing webkinz (on MY computer, which they always have) and the last is of the tons of xmas presents under our beautiful tree!

its been a while since I posted any pics of the kidos so enjoy!

Love, Tara

a branch fell in!

2011-01-06T17:33:00.000-05:00

I have been doing allot of thinking lately, soul searching, trying to figure out who and what I am and will one day become....I have been left with allot of unanswered questions, Im struggeling, to put it mildly, but tonight my nieghbor ( a guy...whose married but unhappily and seems to like me, I have no interest for numerous reasons, so no worries there) but he said something to me a bit ago...they know that I have an ED and I have been running allot, they know I was running even though I severly injured my right knee, that I was in allot of pain but kept going, I lessened my running and after the 3 days I took off for christmas, my knee feels sooooo much better.

Anyway I have had a very sick little girl the last few days and have been only able to run 2xs this week, I feel aweful about it, he asked me to babysit tomorrow, and I said yes but not til after my apt and some severe makeage up of the running. He simply stated " No just run what you have been doing, your knee will act up again, you will be in a ton of pain again, its not worth it, dont listen that voice in your head that degrades you, for you my dear, the world is an oyster, stop looking, the pearl is right in front of you"

He reached out to me, he handed me a branch, he cared, something I so long for, the branch fell in, and Im going to use it to climb out of the deep, dirty hole.

Dont you just love it when the most unexpecting person hands you a branch.

Love, Tara

Proverbs31.org

2011-01-05T08:58:00.001-05:00

I promise this is not going to turn into a blog all about God, altough he does play an intrical part in my life...I heard this question.."If the Biblewere written today, Do you think you might might be in it?"

Ofcourse, me, like many of you are thinking well Duh..NO, Im nothing special. But see thats the whole thing, God loved to put everyday, broken people into the bible...He forgave them, he healed ethier brokeness, and they went on to live very spectacular lives, some doing nothing more then being healed and raising and careing for thier familys. Some ofcourse becomeing Kings and the like, but other went on living very spectactular, ordinary lives.

We were not meant to live this life, muddeling through, praying for the day to end, wishing that we were someone else, anyone else...WE ARE WHO WE WERE MEANT TO BE. Our lives are spectacular and ordninary all at once, IF the Bible were written today, would you be in it, and how would you want your story to end??

I had for a very long time thought I must have done something very wrong in this world for my life to have taken the path that it has, that I shouldnt have to struggle they I have for all these years, but in fact I am comeing to believe that, that may not be true, God allows us all to struggle, Ofcourse the fact is when the rubber meets the road do we call on him to help through our struggles or do we try to face them alone and then become angry with him for not helping us...God does allow us to struggle, so that we might lean on him, and when asked how we struggled we can say "I struggled well"

My eating Disorder,The traumas that have occurred have ravaged my body , mind and soul, I have turned inward, questioned and even become angry at God for not healing me, for dealing me the had that I have been dealt...but...perhaps if I had asked for help, perhaps if I hadnt been so determined to destroy what he gave me, perhaps maybe if I had opened my heart and not spent all my time engrossed in the obessions that I engaged in perhaps then I could have leaned on God and then I could have said by now, I have "struggeled well"...

I know in my heart that I have a purpose for my life, for years I have spent with my head buried in the sand, not wanting to hear anything that might actually help me...2 steps forward, 3 steps back, until I had fallen so deep into the hole behind me I couldnt get up, I refused any help that might have been offered, hell I didnt even yell for help, no one could help me because I wouldnt let anyone in, I dont even think I wanted help , I was perfectly content to stay right where I was in the darkness and dirt of a deep hole, I am no longer willing to stay in that hole, I will claw my way out if I have to, but the fact remains, If I reach out my hand he (God) will take hold and help me out, it wont be easy, I will have to work, struggle, cry, get dirty and fight my way out, but I will and when I do I will be able to see all that I can and will become...

So maybe, just maybe, because I AM ordinary and broken, I would be in the Bible if it were written today, maybe not, but I am going to choose to live that I may be included in those glorious stories, and I know my ending is going to be great, because we dont struggle for futile nothingness, its all in his great plans.

NONE OF OUR STRUGGLES ARE OUR FAULT, BUT HOW LONG WE DECIEDE TO STAY STUCK IN OUR OBESSIONS, WELL THATS UP TO US.

So, my question to all of you, might you be included in the Bible...if perhaps it had been written today?

Love, Tara

Dont Give up!!!

2011-01-04T08:45:00.000-05:00

I was listening to christian radio ( a and per usual) this morning and I heard something along thses lines.

"God never forgets you! when you are in your darkest moments, when you can not see a light at the end of your tunnel, God has not left you. He is standing by your side, your own personal cheerleader, your savior, holding your hand through the darkness. Whatever battle you are facing, when you want to give up because it feels never ending. DONT! Dont give up, there will come a day when your struggle will no longer be in the forefront of your mind, when you arent living moment to moment, when you are finally free. Fight for your freedom, know that you are never alone, and DONT EVER GIVE UP."

I so needed to hear that this morning, you can subsitute God for your higher power, or whatever your faith believes, I choose my God to my my Lord and Savior, for he will save me, from me, from all that frightens and , haunts me, because even when I want to give up on me, he never will...So I cant Give up, I need to fight, we all do, one day we will see the light at the end of the tunnel, it will be bright and glowing and leading us through the darkness...and we will be FREE!

Love, Tara

Dr.A

2011-01-03T17:43:00.000-05:00

Saw the Ed doc today, apparently I have heart palpitaions, I was unawre of, she I guess heard them when she listened to my heart..duh..

need more blood work.

Sick of this merry go round.

I really need to get my shiz together, I mean I know I have a shit heart, it almost crapped out 2.5 yrs ago, now even though my wieght isnt low my body cant handle restricting, I will not go back to medical or residentional, so I really just need to step it up a notch, ... tonight dinner and boost, this shiz needs to stop.

My kids already lost one parent I sure as hell will not let them lose another to a mental illness.

amusing thing today, at least I thought so K, my N brought me in coupons for boost, meaning I need to drink at least 2 a day, plus dinner and 2 snacks..anyway...coupons, really, I just laughed, but I did take them cause well that shiz is expensive...oh and my mom brought me the same coupons..haha ...the universe is trying to tell me something.

Boost it up baby!

Love, Tara

2010, so long, goodby...DO NOT RETURN!!!

2010-12-31T21:58:00.000-05:00

well this has been I can say by far the worst year of my life!!!

but its over in 2 hours and 13 minutes, thankyou God above.

How are you ringing in the new year?? How do you plan on making this year Different???

So first off, Im ringing in the new dressed up, drinking with my sista, sitting in my duplex, watching "Fred" The movie! I know fun times. Right?? wish you were here I know;)

How do I want this year to be different??? hmmmm

well first off I would like to not want to off myself this year.

I would love if my kids could finally start to heal from thier dads suicide

I would really like to do some serious ED kicking ASS

Take a yoga class, and learn to be with just me...

Read all of Chelsea Handlers Books cause even though I have never seen her show her books are freaking hysterical currently reading chelsea chelsea Bang Bang, after just having read..."are you thre voodka its me chelsea" great reads, hysterical and great distractions after meals.

lessen up on my OCD cleaning insanity

Listen to my body when it doesent want to run

attend chuch regularly again

love on my kids, even though they drive me nutso.

invest better with my moula

be a better blogger

wait impatiently for my dear Bella to visit me...

did I mention KICK EDS ASS!!!

tell me, what do you want to do differently, keep in mind these are not resolutions, cause well they die down a week into january, these are long term over the year!!!

Happy and healthy NEW YEAR TO ALL!!!!!

Love, Tara

To tired to see S

2010-12-28T15:18:00.000-05:00

unfortunately I have to go cause she has my meds as I am not to be trusted with large amounts of medication, cant imagine why or what I would do with them, blahhhh.

I would really like to hop into a nice warm bed and sleep, I had a nice run and then the kids and I swam and the gym I go to, they have like a mini indoor water park that the kids love so we did that for like 90 minutes, then I got them lunch, I m freezing now cause its soooooooo COLD here. and I need eo go see S, then as I never go out I told a friend of mine we could go to the mall as we both have giftcards, yeah my fav thing shopping, actually I really like shopping, just not for me, So I wont get home til like 7:30, I will be cold and exhausted and have to force myself to eat dinner cause not eating anything for a day is no bueno, at least some dinner carries me through the next day...

K 1 more hour and I see S, it will be good though cause I havent seen her since last tuesday cause of christmas, maybe she can help me screw my head on a little tighter, sooooo sooooo sick of fighting my head, just wish it would shut the hell up, on the plus side I havent had a panic attack in 3 days, so thats really good...probably just jinxed myself, way to go Tara.

okay love to all, stay warm and hug a kids or an animal, we all need some love this time of year...lol mine are both kids and animals, best of both worlds I suppose...kids = animals, I have no pets, not since our hamster died.

okay peace out before I ramble some more.

Tara

post holiday fallout

2010-12-27T19:29:00.000-05:00

believe it or not I ate like a pretty much normal person christmas and the day after. with minimal purging, today however, well Im back into my head...I saw K today, at 2,we had a pretty big snow storm, so I made it to the apt, after some shoveling, I had coffee this morning and when we were half way through our session she asked what I had eaten so far...I searched my brain and realized, I hadnt, so I had to fess, I left my food and exercise journal at home because Ima dumbass, normally I would just give her the journal and she would see nothing was written and then we would talk about and make a plan, somehow saying nothing seems worse then seeing it written down...

anyway I only did a 35 min run today, 4 miles, not bad considering I really just started actually running again in october, normally I run for 65 min but like I said we made a plan...

I stuck to it.

but its 7:24 and I havent even eaten what I burned while running, and Im full..I think, well definately not hungry, I already fudged my food journal I already wrote that I had my 10 pm snack of banana and boost, and I know I wont be up at 10 cause I feel crappy, and I dont even have any boost so I couldnt even if I wanted to, which I dont..

whatever this post is so dumb, Im just in ED hell and so sick of the same thoughts running through my head.

besides I should have run the 65 min, I feel like a failure for not, at least in the mind of my disorder,Im a failure.

I really can not wait til its bedtime

so sad

2010-12-23T07:36:00.000-05:00

I miss him so much.

Im so broken.

My only hope is that he is spending christmas with christ.

I am wrapping presents alone.

I bought and decorated a tree alone.

I shopped alone.

I feel so alone.

Tears are falling.

Why it hit so hard this morning?? Im not sure.

But his presence is sorely missed.

I love you mike, and now I just dont know anymore.

New York Sucks...brrrrrr

2010-12-22T14:33:00.000-05:00

Im so freaking cold I am sitting in my living with my winter coat on, 2 blankets, the heat on 70 and sipping on a hot non fat latte from STARBUCKS...Im soooooo cold, I hate this weather, I want summer back, as soon as christmas is over I want summer and the shitty thing is like we have no snow, so its going to be a freezing brown like christmas.

I thought I was a tough New Yorker, but Im not Im a wimp, who is cold and just wants to stay under her blankies, and in 5 min I must go out and bare the winter wind to get my lovies...

S says its cause of my ED that Im so cold, but you know what that may partly to blame but shit its 17 with a windchill of 10 wouldnt anyone be cold...Im thinking yes...I want to go live with David in florida, my bones cant take this much more.

whiner, Tara

"your my BITCH and Im going to eat you"

2010-12-21T19:25:00.000-05:00

When I was at Renfrew almost 4 yrs ago, I broke down durning a meal, a very young, sweet girl whispered in my ear "that it would be okay, and that when she heard The ED voice, she would look down at her food and say YOUR MY BITCH AND IM GOING TO EAT YOU"

So you know what, thats what Im going to do, I had a plum today and cried, but Im making dinner now and Im going to eat that BITCH, scared yup, anxious hella yeah, am I stronger then ED, tonight Im going to be...

Love, Tara

Its back

2010-12-19T09:13:00.000-05:00

That feeling of hopelessness and dread, of praying God will take us in our sleep, I just, I want to know if in heaven, our marriage would be whole, would we live as a family in harmony, would we be happy, would we love with no pain or anguish, I know he isnt in pain and more, I just want that for us, no more pain.

No I wont ofcourse not take mine or anyone elses lives, because that is murder, but the thought is still there, I wish it wasnt, but it is, and it makes it so hard to push on, to keep putting one foot in front of the other, to not give up.

oh and while I was at the gym yesterday, I came home to hear that my down stairs bathroom had flooded, with over an inch of water, dripped down through the vent onto my stock pile of emergency food, ( yes I collect food, incase the world were to explode and my, kids need to eat), Im pretty devastated. and it flooded why...cause Ima dumb ass asnd while I was babysitting 3 other kids so yeah 3 plus 3 makes six kids and 1 me, I dropped the baby's nipple down the the toilet, dont ask me how, I just did, so yeah its stuck down there, and now I only have one bathroom, peachy
add it to the list of retarded things I have down in my life...could have been worse, RIGHT??? yeah it could have been. Dont sweat the small stuff, Iwont, I will just be grateful, it there wasnt any shit in toilet at the time, that would have been nasty:)

Love, Tara

Mean people go to HELL!!!

2010-12-18T12:28:00.000-05:00

Thats it, I just think that they should know that being cruel for no other reason they just to be cruel or to fulfill thier own selfish desires to make themselves feel better, should and most likely will go to hell.

There is a bumper sticker that clearly states "MEAN PEOPLE SUCK"

I would like to add that not only do they suck, they should SUCK IT!!!

The next time someone who is a fucken cruel, pathetic loser crosses me or someone I care about, I will hunt down and rip off thier private parts!!

Yeah, so dont fuck with me or those who have meaning to me, cause I refuse to let abuse be in this world anymore ( blogger, or otherwise)

Stupid Fuckers

Tara, my real name not some no named holier then everyone else shit head.

S was impressed today.

2010-12-17T13:26:00.000-05:00

she said Im fighting back, I saw her tuesday and hadnt eaten in a couple of days, but that night I ate the dinner my mom made me, and since wednesday, I have had 6 boosts and 2 more dinners, she said they arent really enough to be a full dinner but way better then I was doing, YOUR FIGHTING she said and Im so proud of you, I told her what Sia Jane commented on my blog and that it was helpful, and a good kick in the ass, I told her how after each of my appointments, I have 4 a week between her,(2) K (1) and pdoc (1) I seem to be able to do it for a "meal" then Im stuck again, I need the push at least right now...so loveing but pushing comments are really helpful in me fighting when I feel like I have no fight left in me...

Anyway I just drank my boost, and my knee hurts I had a to long run this morning and may actually listen to my body and just walkk tomorrow, which would be another step in the right direction.

So Im babysitting my nieghbors three kids today so when my kids get out of school I will have six kids til 8 pm...it will be exhausting but a good distraction, that seems to be the key right now, gentle kicks in the rear and distraction, what ever it takes right now...K, gotta go the 9 month old just spit up I think.

Love, Tara

I woke up hungry...

2010-12-16T10:22:00.000-05:00

and my ED is haveing a field day, hunger, its what I long for that feeling of emptiness, for weeks now I have had no hunger so its been so easy to not eat, but when I m hungry ( starving actually) I feel this High when I am able to stay "strong" and not eat, It would be easier to eat if I wasnt feeling "powerful" from not eating, its so odd how mt eating disorder works, I feel Like I dont have a typical ED, which I am sure is insane, Im sure others ( many) feel the same way. Running always takes away my hunger so maybe it will be easier to eat after I run, how backward is that, running='s no hunger, shouldnt it be the other way around, one would think. Im so not normal, or so it seems. Does anyone else feel this way, am I alone in this or does someone else relate, right now I feel very alone. I keep thinking if I hadnt woken up sometime between 3:30 and 4 I would be hungry at 10:30am., besides if it was mon...wen...or fri I would have run by now, but I cant run til 11:30 (babysitter needed) so I will have to wait to 1 to eat, then I wont be hungry and it will be hard, but maybe easier then now, omg, I make NO sense, someone slap me!

Tell it like it is , S.

2010-12-15T07:07:00.000-05:00

" Your anxiety and depression have reached all time highs because you dont eat, you cant use the excuse I cant eat bcause Im to anxious, because you are anxious ( to some extent) because you dont eat, this is insane, you come in, you cry, you try to avoid the truths, but the truth is until you step out of your box you will stay sick, you will continue to feel horriable, you will continue to want to take your own life, you will continue to stay stuck deep into the dark hole. You dont look well, you hurt, physically and emotional, your meds arent working, and you WILL end up in the hospital, if you dont withstand the short term INCREASED anxiety that eating will bring you, you have us to lean on, to talk you through it, to call, text, email, this isnt an "okay, I will try tomorrow thing" this is a now thing, YOU HAVE THE POWER, you need not stay a victim any longer, you are safe now, in pain yes, but safe, no more BS, do what you know you have to, and email me that you have done when your finished.

SHIZ

I told her a renfrew story about when I broke down at the dinner table a girl whispered in my ear, "just tell your burito its your bitch and your going to eat it"

S's last words, go to your mothers, look at your plate and say..."your my BITCH and Im going to eat you"

She thought it was hilarious, and was still laughing as I left, shaken from her sterness but feeling loved by her care...I went home and ATE MY BITCH!!!

with the help of my friend clonipin, and a good book as a distraction, That Bitch got ate!

Love, Tara

Its as simple and as difficult as that!

2010-12-14T06:51:00.000-05:00

Your body needs food. Starving ( literally) for several days at a time will inevitabley leave your body to do what ever it can to find calories...like last night, I hadnt eaten in a few day, and sometime between midnight and 2 am I at ( cause I take inventory before I go to bed so I know) 7 vanilla finger cookies, 1 bottle of chocolate soymilk and a package of little bite brownies...this morning my anxiety is so high, I think I could take off in flight, but there is a solution to not sleep eating, EAT DURNING THE DAY!! Its as simple and as difficult as that!, If I could get over the guilt, shame,anxiety, despiar from eating unplanned food maybe I could do better today....really I would like nothing better then to medicate and sleep til I am sure I am empty again, but reality is I cant, so really what I must do is in a few hours start my mp ( 1 item every 2 hours til 8 pm), how I will manage I dont know, but really its just as simple and difficult as that.

Like the way that saying goes so I used it 3 times in one blog, shoot me...no really ...just kidding,

Tara

I may be loseing my mind

2010-12-09T16:32:00.000-05:00

I spent all morning cleaning, doing laundry, playing with little man, reading with him, doing crafts, I thought, hoped, prayed that that today was going to be a better day, my sister showed up at 11:30 to watch little man so I could run errands, and go to the gym, and take Zack to the pdoc, I walked into the office and of just took over me, that exhaustion where you just need blankets and somewhere to lay down, I took him in, told about our week went back to the waiting room and curled up into myself for the rest of the session ( Its also where my pdoc is so they know me and know my issues, so no word was said as I sat freezing with my head in my lap) my pdoc came out and rubbed her hand through my hair, "do you want to come in for a few minutes??" "no" I shook my head "Im fine"....Im so not, existing in this choas of my head is making me really feel as if I am losing my mind, Im fuzzy and jumbled, a million thoughts and none at all, I ate a yogurt and am now freaking out about it, making me want to curl into that ball all the more, I should have waited, but I was dizzy, so really that meant I needed to eat, I have to make the kids dinner soon, dinner I wont eat, maybe the baked potatoe, maybe, I wish I wish I didnt have such mixed emotions all the time....panic or manic, depressed, exhausted, afraid, paralyzed, jumping like a bunny...I NEED TO BE STABLE, damit, please GOD help me be stable....sigh..I need to go help them with thier homework and make dinner, and baths, and my energy has been zapped, plus I have these like what feeling like these needles shooting up my legs, not all time but its bothersome..

ps, to all my beautiful readers who have been leaving me such caring comments, I feel so blessed, I really truely do, it lifts my sprits, and truely I love you all.

Love, Tara

Scared

2010-12-08T21:10:00.000-05:00

that its become so easy to just not eat, to ignore hunger ball day til it becomes nil, til the emptiness becomes safe and comforting and til eating the next day seems pointless, futile a waste of time, half a meal and a couple drinks has become the norm, I fudge my food journal, unless I have done well, I dont want my tx team to think Im not trying, because I do, the extra calories come from night eating, which happens usually after numerous days of not eating...and the cycle continues...where will I be in a month or 2, I know this the route to the hospital,medical or phyc, either way I dont want , my kids cant handle it, I can not and will not do that to them, why is it so hard to ignore my feelings and do what is right, am I in complete denial of how ill I am...S says so.I dont want people around and when I am I make sure Im not sober, I ignore phone calls and textsI dont even answer my door if someone knocks...my world is my kids, the gym, the grocery store and target and the many appointments I/we attend each week...Im afraid of what I am becomeing, but I cant reach out to family and friends, they will think I have failed...hell, I think I have, I need something, bigger then me, God can you hear me?? Im so afraid.

stupid mood disorder

2010-12-08T14:51:00.000-05:00

I spent the last 2 months hypomanic, my meds were adjusted and I had about 2 weeks where my major symptom was high anxiety ( might becaused or made worse my my lack of intake) but know I am so depressed, my mood has taken a nose dive, I saw pdoc and she upped my lamictal AGAIN, it will take afew days but I hope soon I wont have that increasing desire to curl under blankets and sleep away the day...today my day went as follows, get kids ready and to school, gym, shower ( thankgod cause I didnt yesterday) pdoc appointment, pick up some toys, take prn, huddle under blankets and sleep for 2 hrs, curse the alarm when it went off, smoke, blog, now Im off to go get my kids and do our stuff and me clean inbetween because I slept when I should have been doing laundry...

DEPRESSION go away, your draining the life force from me

Deep sigh...afternoon is calling, but I just want my blankets.

Boo, Tara

Anxiety...killing me slowly

2010-12-07T07:50:00.000-05:00

my head is telling me it is the peanut butter sandwhich and cookie I ate last night, "thats why feel so you so sick, so incrediably anxious, you fucked up, you binged, your pathetic, if you didnt eat that sandwhich you wouldnt feel like such shit right now, starve bitch, make the feelings go away"

Logically I know I ate that sandwhich 10 hours ago, its not still him me and I needed it I hardly ate all day, I was weak and dizzy, and my body needed the protein...but I cant shake it, I know Im anxious because of yesterdays drama with the in laws, that they are cruel and rude to me and it triggers fashbacks of how they brushed off all the things M did to me and made me think it was all my fault, they are doush bags and I shouldnt let them give me a reason to destroy myself, but...

right now it doesnt matter because the anxiety is here and I know that not eating will numb them out, and thats what I want, I need it, I cant deal with this crippeling anxiety all day, I see S tonight and Im so overwhelmed Im not sure I will be able to articulate what they said and did and my response and how actually standing up for myself made me feel...

This anxiety, its destroying me, I cant sit with it or I wont be able to function today, and starving, well that will kill me, slowly, the anxiety is going to kill me...

I so scared, depressed and bloody fucking anxious...I just feel like throwing my hands in the air, and stop fighting it all together, other them my babies, I have no point in trying, they are my reason, I need to fight harder, I just know if I have it in me today.

Tara

My voice

2010-12-06T11:22:00.000-05:00

I just used my voice with my in laws, its been causeing me such distress they way they treat me, I just texted them Im worried about thier response, but I finally stood up to them, Im not a doormat, and they better start respecting me, or they might not get to see the kids at all, they are my babies, and my babies dont even want to go anyway...

Score one for me, I used my voice today, first time in a long while.

Love, Tara

Irony

2010-12-04T12:23:00.000-05:00

March 18th

The day he killed himself I wrote a post about the sun and fear and shit and how I needed to get over it.

The sick part, on the day I decieded I needed to change my disposition, he ended his forever, and in calling order, mine has been forever changed.

The sun does go away .... it may never come out again, and fuck, the darkness is killing me too.

The Run

2010-12-03T23:35:00.000-05:00

She runs through the darkness, tears burning her face, running from the voice that screams.

She runs, to afraid to stop, to hear, the lies that she has believed, the voice that tells her who she is, what she is worth.

It follows her, gaining with her every step.

Faster she must go, harder she must push to escape, the fear, the pain, the beliefs.

The fear it consumes her, what if it catches her, So she runs, her face burning, her lungs on fire, her feet blistered and hurting, but still she runs, trying to escape the pain, the thoughts, the voice.

But there is nothing but the darkness, the voice, and her beliefs.

Is she those things, those dirty, horriable things.

She believes them, she believes they are her truth, so she runs, through the pain, through the fear, through the tears.

She must not stop, it will catch her, it will hurt her.

It's what it wants.

It wants to kill her...and it is...it makes her hurt herself, because she believes it, she believes the lies, they have become her truth.

She is told they are lies, but in the darkness they are real, they are her truth, she is so afraid, so she can not stop.

She must run.

Harder and faster, til she can escape.

And still its just darkness, darkness and the voice.

Whose voice is it?? Its his, and it haunts her, forever...maybe not, but now.

So she hurts herself, she cries and she runs, she starves and reaches within herself to pull out the poison, but it doesnt go away, the voice grows louder, and she is afraid.

She tries to escape, but its been burned into her soul what she is worth, and it is nothing.

So she will run, til the pain is to much to bare, til the pain becomes numbness, til she finds a moment of peace.

She will hurt til its over, til the voice stops the chase...

So she still runs.

She trips, she hurts, she cries...fruitless tears of fear...

Will it ever end??

Will it stop???

She doesnt know, so still she runs...

one more day!!!

2010-12-02T16:33:00.000-05:00

Till I get back my computer, thats right the fixed my baby...sigh of great relief!!!

I think the last 2 plus months without my computer has really taught me allot, one I can go with emailing/talking to S everyday...or two I relasped when I lost my writing outlet...hmmmm

I think writing is really important for me, I purged my thoughts regularly to S, in between sessions, I needed that, will I go back to it, not sure, time will tell.

I have missed a dear friend, who so much more then just a friend, we chatted about everything and nothing all at once, we share so much its really insane, we live parallel lives, SHe has a wonderful blog, and has gone through so much and is coming out on top, just like I knew she would, Her blog is truthandbone@blogspot.comIm not sure if its private, might be but if it is you should ask for an invite cause shes a true inspiration...

anyway, I will get to the point not talking to her, as I think, might have contributed to my relapse, she straightened my ass out, told me like it was, and did it all with great love..

I believe I will need to put boundries on my use of the computer, as my kids need my full attention, Zack is progressing and I will update his blog tomorrow, but hes on meds and steps are going forward, which is good.

Im not sure what Im really talking about, except, I need to pull my ass out of this relapse, and I think this blog, and talking to Bella and S are part of it...

anyway need to run, kids need attention and I need to get to the gym, thankgod my sisters here!

Oh and we are putting up our tree tomorrow, made cookies to decorate for tonight, and I pretty much prepared a full on thanksgiving dinner for our tree decorating party...and we are going to actually chop down the tree, so it should be cool.

okay love to you all...

Oh and if you leave anonymous comments I have to approve them cause Im getting mega spam and really its quite annoying

Love you all

Tara

Great Thanks

2010-11-28T16:56:00.000-05:00

I love my dear friends, who love me despite, inspite, and just because I am me, This Birthday has been so hard, I have not even known why I have been crying most of the day, Just that deep hole.

I love you, you all mean the world to me, Bella, I lifted a glass last night too, slightly early, maybe it was at the same time...I hope.

Love,

Tara

I have the ability

2010-11-24T16:32:00.000-05:00

I am once again pulling myself out of a severe relapse, here's the thing when I fall I fall fast and hard, like a brick from a building, like I almost ended up in the wonderful hospital, "because multiple forms of purging can and will kill you" you know starving, running, purging and pill popping is multiple from what I understand of the definition...boo on me. but because I am me and some how have a moment of clarity in which having a heart attack is not the way I want to go, I pull up my boot straps, button my big girl pants and get to work on doing this recovery thing again for the upteenth time, what eves Im following (trying) (back to the minimum mp)which I have done fairly well on...4 out of the last 7 days, ED isnt going to kill me, Im stronger, I know it, I need to feel it but I will fake it til I make it...

Oh and p.s

Im starting to write a book, on paper as of now...I think the titles going to be..."Truth, Tragedy, and Triumph" ( dont steal my title if your writing a book too:))

It starts 30 days before my 9th birthday...and well since my story is unfinished, I dont know when it will be completed...I guess the day I realize my my dream of being my own hero comes true...so lucky all of you who get to say "I knew her when..."

lol

love you all

Tara

untitled

2010-11-10T16:42:00.000-05:00

First I just want to say a huge thankyou to those of you who left such beautiful comments on my last post, you dont know how much it meant to come back 2 weeks later and read them, I NEED A COMPUTER, but really its my own fault that it isnt fixed, I mean, I would need to stay on the phone with Dell for like 4 hours and that doesnt really fit into my exercise, the cleaning, panicking, OCD schedule.

They are fiddling with my meds, but my panic ATTACKS are out of control, at least once a day most of the time, it just comes out of nowhere, I cant predict it, so it makes me really afraid to leave my house, my life has boiled down to going to the gym, appointments, going back and forth to my kids school, and shopping compulsivly at Target, its a very sad sad life, when I am home, all I do is clean, the SAME things OVER and OVER again, oh and I cook allot, food that I cant...wont eat, right now its cant, I really just cant do it, I have lost all will to try, its to hard causes to much anxiety and I already have so much of it anyway, that anything that makes it worse I just cant handle.

They say as you get older and have had an eating disorder for as long as I have that the relaspe's are so much harder and faster on your body, I have been in denial, but its true, at the gym last night my hand went numb and tingling as I ran, I was so afraid I was having a heart attack but I couldnt stop, I had to make it the number I set in my head, I did go home and have some gatorade but only because I was afraid of having a heart attack, and if I m going to die its going to be because I decieded to not at some random time, I was scared enough that I drank the dreaded poison water ( I KNOW ITS NOT BUT i HATE BECAUSE AT RENFREW i HAD TO DRINK LIKE LIKE 3 24 oz bottles of it every day, I grew to hate that shit).

I am a walking disaster, my meds are at S's office...STILL...because I cant be trusted, which i know, but it makes me feel so out of control, so defensless against the the thoughts of ending it, I cant, messy would be horriable for the kids, it would all be horriable for them that s why I agreed to hand them over..pdoc, sees me every week and now I have to do phone check kins 2xs a week, or they said they might section me, certify me, lock me away without my permission, the only thing I am doing right is my kids, I spend lots of time with them, once a week I take one of them on a date, we read and do homework everyday, they are always clean and well fed, they never miss appointments, and now zack is on meds and I do that perfectly, thats the thing though...everything must be perfect, the wierd thing, is that I dont want to lose anymore wieght, then people can tell my secret and will try to help me and I dont deserve it, I dont want to eat, but I dont want anyone to know either (my tx team knows, they are very concerned and throw the hospital word around like its a ball, which isnt going to happen, I might consider partial after the holidays but til then I am just trying to stay afloat)...im tired, and i need to go finish cooking the dinner i cant eat..I wish I had a magic want to make this last yr just not have happened, its so awful, its just been so awful, and Im so alone, and I miss my bella, so much I ache, I love you darling, I hope you see this, I miss you.

Tara

missing

2010-10-26T14:11:00.000-04:00

there is a huge hole in me, I dont know what it is, I dont know how to fill it. I miss something I have never had so I dont know what it is, and it leaves me so so empty. I cry from the emptiness. I cry from, not knowing, what it is that I am missing...but I feel it this huge gaping hole in my body and I just cry because I dont know how to make it go away. How can I miss something that I never had, I mean, I never had it right?? I dont know. But I feel so so empty, and it aches, I feel like I am just a walking shell, that my soul is missing, that somewhere along the years, (teenage) I didnt evolve as I should have so I filled this hole with my eating disorder, and I drank allot in high school, so I just numbed myself to this feeling of not feeling.

and from 18 to 30 I was with Mike, and he filled the emptiness with chaos and shame, but it was still filled...

I am so lost, I am so sad and now my sister needs the computer, so I cant even finish my thoughts, I will cry again and try to figure out some non destructive way to fill the void but really, it feels like it may never go away, and who wants to live feeling like a empty shell...

yup, Im a downer AGAIN.

a writting assignment

2010-10-20T17:45:00.000-04:00

I have my sisters computer as i was told to blog about my "EXTREME PTSD" reaction to something a older man who picks up his grandchildren from my kids school said to me...

Last thursday, a man whom I have chit chatted with for the past 3 years because we both pick kids up at the same time...I assumed he was a harmless old man til last thursday when he grabbed my arm pulled my ear next to his ear and said " I need to get to your house, I need to see you, I need to touch you, you just boggle my mind", I panicked, ripped my hand away grabbed my kids and almost ran to my car, I now panic every time I go to school, and yesterday was awful, I got extremely anxious, and it just got worse and worse as the hour went on, by the time I got to her office I was crying and shaking, I couldnt breath my arm was numb, it was aweful...all I could hear in my head was Mike screaming at me "you slut, whore, I told you, you were a cheat, slut, you deserved it, you asked for it, tramp..." over and over in my head it was awful, it wouldnt stop and I couldnt breath ( luckily she has my meds and she gave me a klonipin, by the end of the hour, I had calmed down enough to drive)

Im not sure how I am going to handle this, I now panic when I drop them off and panic when I have to pick them up, today I had to pick them up early (Zack had his last appointment for his evaluation) so I was spared...

I knew I had to work threw the physical and verbal abused I endured, but couldnt I get through the grief first, I have been an emotional wreck, I should have knew something was brewing at the gym yesterday, The mean Ed voice came on strong, telling me how dirty and disgusting and stupid and lazy I was, I wanted to stop at mile x, but I had said I was going to mile y, the voice in my head was horrible and degrading, and even after I did y mile, it still kept at me in my head I felt crazy, then I had that horrible panic attack...now Im terrified, so so scared.

I "had" to do y again today, it takes me 2 hours, and I still feel like its not good enough, at least I can realize, it wouldnt matter how many miles I did, it would NEVER be good enough...Im not going back to the gym, my body hurts, my feet hurt allot, I have no babysitter tomorrow, I could drop Isaiah off at the day care they run there, but I shouldnt I should sit with the anxiety...

Wow look at me avoiding talking what I should be talking about, I guess Im not ready to dig, I feel like my skin is crawling, I want to run and cry and scream all at the same time, and worst of all, I hate myself, and its just getting worse, every pound lost, the hate grows even more, but I just want to disapear, erase myself, make myself as unattractive as possible, I stopped wearing a bra and started wearing tak tops with shirts over them under my sweater, so I dont have a chest (im small chested but with a bra I have something) but subconsciously I must have known that, that makes me more "womanly" and after Thursday I stopped wearing the bra...I want to crawl into myself, I hate me...

Since I have taken off my wedding rings and put them around my neck, 2 men have specificly asked for my phone number, one man followed me to the car out of the gym and asked if we could keep in touch, one man at the apple orchard asked if I wanted to keep in contact so we could make "pies" together whatever that means and my next door neighbors friend has asked me out 3xs just to go as "friends for a few drinks" now this old man, I feel like a dirty whore, I want to dissappear, and worst of all, I hear him telling me all those things, I believe them, he said it and now I have become some kind of target, is/was he right, to I come off like I want it, I stay to myself, for fucks sake I cant even look a man in the eye, they scare me...but I feel

like a dirty whore,

I hate me, S says they are lies embedded in my brain by a man who was sick, that its typical for victims of abuse to believe the lies, but they are not true, I mean I have only had 2 boyfriends in my life and I married one of them, yet, I feel so so dirty.

Im just repeating myself, I dont think I did what she asked, but whatever, i feel dirty, she says Im not, but I feel it, and that isnt gonna change by writing about it.

another bummer post

I might stop writing, I think I make everyone depressed, I will try to find something positive next time I get a computer, but...no promises.

Love, Tara

Open your eyes...

2010-10-14T17:44:00.000-04:00

So she says to the girl who is blinded...

Blinded by pain, grief, anger, fear, uncertainty, hopelessness....did I mention fear...

of being alone, failing, living, wanting to live, of forgetting, of remembering, of dreaming...

Ed numbs me, always has, but

It will eventually lead me down, down to deep despair, (could it be deeper?? S thinks so)physical, mental and emotional despair...

"you will end up in the hospital."

she says

I repeat over and over, "I will not go" my mind only thinking of ED hospital, "I wont go, no one can force me, Im not going"

"I know you refuse IP, but my thought is that if you collapse they will take you to the medical hospital, you will then be forced to stay because Dr. A and I will say you are unable to make your own decisions and so you will be then forced into IP, if your cardiac situation dose not kill you before we get you there..."

really??

am I that sick??

not yet

but I opened my eyes, I see...

S went through the check list of symptoms that landed me in medical the last 2 times, and I am doing them all, quicker and more severe then the previous times...she called me "severe" and said I had a "disabling disorder" that "WILL" kill me, or at the very least damage me to the point of having a much " poorer quality of life"

first thought

could my quality of life get any worse??

Im miserable...most of the time

most

not every waking moment but most

so

not every waking moment ...thats something

I will hold onto the "not every waking moments"

and remember, it might get better...it could, it doesnt feel that way, but it could right?, its a possibility as much as it is it could get worse ( which is where my mind goes) it could get better, I will hold that close to me...

I didnt purge monday or tuesday, I had some yogurt ( and a quarter of a bagel :) not the same one lol but part of a bagel)

I didnt purge yet today and I wont, I will do my best.

I dont want to let go of my ED, but ....

cause Im so afraid,

but they need me, and not any more damaged then i already am, Im gonna to try, I need to, I am so afraid, but I will try...I love you all for your support...thankyou.

and my sweet darling Bella, my hard drive is a fucker and dell is a fucker and Im pissed so pissed I might go buy a new computer, cause really how long can a girl wait..K says just go buy it...the good news, all is wrapped and ready to be sent TOMORROW...belated birthday, early Christmas...lol, I cant wait to head to the post office:)

Love, Tara

ps

If you know that I went by Zena, it was because she was a warier princess...a fighter...and I am I am Warier, I always fight in the end...I will fight before its the end.

hmmmm...my brother in law

2010-10-12T11:55:00.000-04:00

just brought my mother home from her doc apt (she had foot surgery friday) its like 11:30 am, I brought in my coffee and the bagels my mom wanted...my brother in law is here working..."want one?" he says..."no thanks" I say, "Did you eat breakfast yet?" I stutter, " I woke up late...just got my coffee...need a cigerette...." "hate to break it to you the day started over 4 hours ago...have a bagel.." more stuttering..."no thanks, not now" he rolls his eyes, I pray he shuts up...he s gonna rat me out...I m fucked...

WHY CANT I BE NORMAL???

grrrrr

Im exposed

The next 5 minutes

2010-10-06T16:50:00.000-04:00

Possibly Triggering If you are in a bad spot

"Just worry about how you will get through the next 5 minutes." I swear That is all I hear from my tx team ALL the freaking time...I finally blurted out " I dont want to live if its just trying to make it through the next 5 minutes every freaking 5 minutes"

Thats the crux of it, Its why I want to die, its why I am pretty deep in my disorder, its why my OCD is freaking off the charts bad, Its probably one of the only reasons Im not totally freaking losing mhy shiz because my computer is not working, there is only one real reason I want my computer back, she knows why. Not that I dont care about ALL of you, but I am not "allowed" to sit, I need to stay busy all the time, right now I am standing and typing because of the whole not being allowed to stop moving thing.

I have no projects left I have done all I can do and when I am not running myself ragged cleaning( scrubbing things raw), exercising, and dealing with the kids ( total insanity, yet I manage to remain calm, Im really not sure how, I guess its just my "I need to be the sane one" thing comeing through...only inside I am dying...

really what it comes down to is that I am just hopeless, I have no hope this will ever get better, that this horribleness IS my life, even i n my worst depressions, relaspes I always had some smidgen of hope in me, somewhere deep inside, my spirit might have been dulled, stuffed down by my ED, depression, anxiety, I always new it was still there...Its gone, I feel so hopeless, my spirit, my soul they have died and I am an empty shell...really I would like to know what is the point of keeping the shell here when the real me is already dead...Im not going to hurt myself because of the kids, but if I didnt have then, I would have done away with this world long ago.

I Hate to seem dramatic, but this is it folks my blog, raw emotion...and I am fucking sick to death of it.

Tara

Still busted

2010-09-29T21:07:00.000-04:00

my computer needs a new hard drive

FUCKER

Im so pissed

TRIGGER....numbers...sorry if you cant read numbers turn back cause I need to "purge it"

My life has become small

and full of lies

eat this...800 cal a day for 7 days no purging/....

increase 300 per week for the next 4 weeks

she says

begrudgingly I agree

I only got her to agree to that number because I convinced her any higher would lead to me vomiting...

7 days

she said

anything more I cant agree with and will recommend hospital

wtf

Im gonna lie

bastards

what if I just stop coming? then what??

can you certify me then??

I dont know

so I lie

yes

800

yup

yesterday 400 food

300 vodka

make up food list to text

good job she says

it will get easier

today

300 food...300 vodka

and the treadmill...its got me

bastard

and cleaning

numbers

numbers everywhere

calories, minutes, miles, hours, grams, ounces, even, odd

its so hard

but soooo much easier then dealing with whats in front of me

pain

hell

lonliness

pain

grief

horror

nightmares

fucking life

life choices

I need to

step up

but Im

so

SCARED.

please dear lord have mercy on me, Im so afraid.

and so I lie

and pretend

but soon

it will be seen

I am not whole

and wonder

will I ever be....

Im okay...well..

2010-09-26T17:03:00.000-04:00

My computer has been very sick and has been at the doctors for over two weeks I should be getting it back in a day or 2, I feel pretty disconnected. allot of important dates have happened this month and without my blog and my dear friend to talk to I have been a bit lost..very lost very very lost...

Do you call it a laspe or a relaspe if its been going on about a month...

yeah well I just fessed up to my tx team, So I might as well fess up to you all as well, you name the behavior and I m doing it, restricting, exercising, purging, pills what else is there...and I will tell you all what I told them Im just not ready I dont feel able to keep dealing with these horrendous amount of feelings of grief and loss and loneliness, It was making me want to kill myself, so yeah I know Anorexia IS NOT the answer but right this moment I need a reprieve from it all ( the feelings, they hurt so much).

Im emotionally drained from trying so hard to keep it together...I wasnt doing that great emotionally before ( as you all know) but as his birthday, the 6 month mark of his death, then our 8 yr wedding anniversary came around I just couldnt handle it..so yeah I lasped my mind needed to stop thinking about it all...so now I think about numbers and right now numbers, taking care of my kids and cleaning, its keeping me alive and so right this moment that will have to do.

Im sorry if I have disappointed anyone, this is just one more blip in my journey, my heart still wants Recovery but my head tells me the only way thats gonna happen is if I dont kill myself from the emotional pain first...catch 22 huh??

okay well Im sure I will get some replies to fight harder and some may even pull the whole your killing yourself and your kids are watching it etc...believe me I know it all, but the truth is if they found me dead from taking all my pills or some other methods I have entertained that would be far worse them me going through a little laspe and then when I am better able to deal with this stuff again, tackle it...really I cant even explain what my life is like, its a battle with my children every moment, and my poor zack and alyssa is modeling his behavior because I have to spend so much time "handling" his outbursts, she wants attention too...

Im just worn out, my head is always swirling...and really some rest would be nice but because I get up at 5:30 and zack cant fall asleep til 1 am yes 1, and I am woken up each night once by alyssa and once by Isaiah I get very little rest...

it is what it is right now...

I really wish I had time to check everyone sblog right now caus eI miss you all so much but I dont, soon I hope soon.I pray everyone is well.

Love, Tara

Technical Difficulties:(

2010-09-10T09:36:00.000-04:00

My computer has shit the bed, i m going to go and try to get it fixed today after S, ( im on my moms right now)

real quick...

pdoc took my "stock pile" as she called it, left me with just what I needed and took my clonipin, gave me 21 pills which I need to give to S today, S will dispense my meds to me 2xs a weeks ( I see her twice).

Pdoc said that at least a part of me wants to live or i wouldnt have brought in my meds, I said said yes, but when they are there the temptation is so great, like telling an alcoholic they cant drink the voodka in the closet...anyway..I will be back as soon as I am able.

I love you all so much, thankyou for such beautiful and supporting comments on my previous post, it means so much, Those of you who know my on FB please check out my page, Bella a dear friend and fellow blogger went to the world wide suicide awareness memorial service (one was held in melbourne Australia) and she placed a letter that I wrote and a picture of mike and I on the memorial wall.

((B)) I am eternally grateful.

Love, Tara

right so...

2010-09-07T22:01:00.000-04:00

post number 300!!

anyway in my current state, my T, N, and pdoc have communicated...with me..with each other after hours...I was promised by all 3 they would not commit me...if you all are not from the U.S...that means not to certify...plans have been made...pills to be given to pdoc, she will then dispense to me to give to S who will give me 3 days worthg at a time...S and pdoc will talk thursday to discuss any med changes...and both will call each night...S also instructed oncall services at her practice to directly call her so that she may immediatly call me instead of me talking to some shrink I dont know ( as she knows I wont do) and that in the past has inhibited me from calling services...

I will be safe tonight

tomorrow will come

I dont know know what tomorrow will bring

but

it might be better

Zack had another episode

I will speak about that on his blog

I m very scared and so have moved all my meds to my car for tonight...

this will pass

this too shall pass...

The BIBLE says so

Im holding on to any hope I might have

because at the moment

swallowing the 234 pills in possesion sounds really really peaceful

but

I will be safe

tonight

cause tomorrow

is a new day

right so..

til tomorrow

Love, tara

(drowning in a pool of deep salt water)

salt make you float you know...

Reached...

2010-09-06T22:37:00.000-04:00

I have been touched.

a beautiful person who took the time/effort/care

to speak words of hope

stopped me from following through on plans I believed to be the only answer

two people

one who knows my every thought

and one who cared enough to listen

they have given me the courage to fight

another day...

I have been reached

I am here

because of 2 people who

reached

I am eternally grateful

and Im sure

my children are thankful

that

you

saved thier mother

both of you

are amazing

thankyou

for giving me

HOPE

Love and eternally grateful

Tara

heartbroken ...can it kill you??

2010-09-06T12:36:00.001-04:00

I feel like I am dying, my insides hurt, my body aches, my soul it feels like its leaving, Im so depressed ( not sad anymore) depressed as in overwhelming, deep, painful saddness, that sometimes leaves me sobbing in tears and other times leaves me feeling so immobile that I stare out the window at nothing and pray death comes...saturday was my sisters wedding, it was beautiful and I held it together most of the night ofcourse as the night progressed the loss became greater and greater and I numbed it out more and more with lots and lots of wine, and when I awoke the next morning after about 4 hrs of sleep the pain...was so intense that I believed I was dying...I longed for it...but Im still here obviously, my kids felt it too, we were all exhausted but we couldnt sleep really we cried allot, missing him, missing him so deeply that our souls and spirits were being crushed, sufficated under the wieght of such a loss...his birthday is 1 week from today, Im really unsure if I can do this. For Fucks sake a person can only bare so much...

Im thinking of quiting tx, I know it may not be smart but maybe secretly I want to quit, so that I can just die, I know that if I quit, I will relaspe, and it will probablly kill me this time, I know I know my kids, but they hate me anyway, they would be happier with my friend alexis, she is thier childrens pastor I have known her since I was an infant, she s a wonderful amazing person, she gets them if I die...

Im crying as I type this because i want to want to live, but I dont rigfht now, its scary, its very scary to think that I am putting my own selfish wants above what would be best for my babies...thats what he did, I dont want to be like him, but this..this horrendous gut wrentching pain feels like more then I can bare...

maybe god will have mercy on us, and just take us all at once...sometimes I pray for that...these thoughts...tell me I getting ill and twisted because normal people dont feel like this do they??

Im asking cause right now..I dont know...

Im heartbroken...and really I think its killing me.

It didnt work

2010-09-01T10:21:00.000-04:00

Its september.

Panic, Fear, exhaustion, Panic, Tears, Terror, Guilt, Shame, panic, Unknown, Fear, Terror, Panic...

I have been fitful, tearful and restless for some time now...and its getting worse, last nights tear fest was the culmanation of weeks (months) of fears and anxietys ...

I ~~cant~~dont seeing it get much better.

and my contact is still in my eye, at least it feels that way..so now I have 3 contacts in...2 being in one eye...

really I m sucha joy to be around

sorry

Please lets skip september

2010-08-31T12:11:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow i will wake up and it will be oct. 1st

yes it will

I will close my eyes and click my heels 3 times and wish with all my might.

I can not handle september.

The month must be skipped.

if you are new or have been under a rock for the last nearly 6 months..

September

Was

Mikes birthday month, he will have been 40 on the 13th,

Our wedding anniversary month, it would have been the 8th on the 22nd

and now its the 6 month aniversary of his death...( the certificate says march 19th, but I know it was the 18th) but whatever...september 19th...6 months

plus I have 2 weddingto go to, one I am in, and the other will be my fathers 4th marriage

I DO NOT WANT SEPTEMBER!!!

Im closing my eyes and wishing right now...tomorrow will be october

The Key to a sunday morning...

2010-08-29T09:28:00.000-04:00

3 beautiful children.

1 sunny morning.

2 cups of flour.

2 tablespoons sugar

some baking powder..

a little salt..

2 tablespoons vegtable oil.

warm maple syrup.

waking up knowing that making pancakes with your children, is a memory that you just created ( again:)

Alyssa is pouring the batter onto the skillet,

Isaiah mixed the batter...

and zack is sleeping on the couch ( hopefully the smell will make him up soon)!

I believe the Key is not the Sun, nor the pancakes, but its my kids, they are the Key to this morning, the key to every morning to come...and yes they are the only ones who have the key to my heart.

Happy Sunday Guys, may your morning be filled with sunshine, pancakes and love!!

Love, Tara

ps tried to post a pic of alyssas pancakes but my photo option seems to have disappeared..what up with dat?

A bit better

2010-08-26T09:59:00.000-04:00

I think.

The day is still a bit early, slightly after 9 am. The last few days have felt like a living hell, alternateing between waves of convulsive sobbing ( which dont worry occurs in the solace of my bathtub as I dont want my children to see me) yes they believe mommys tummy hurts but thats better then the alternative. The other emotion...the emotion I loath, fear, feel disgust at....anger...no I cant feel that..no, its wrong, stop it, dont say it... I have yelled at my kids, not because of the anger but because since all this happened thier behavior has been horrendous, they each see DR. B 1x a week then I see her with all of us 1xs a week, right now she is not on the mvp panel ( she will be hopefully by next week but this has been costing me 225 dollars every week for the last 3 months ( april and may she was on the panel but was taking herself off due to logistics, but she has moved and now will be on the panel...its just a waiting game) if you did the math that is 900 dollars a month just for thier appt. its very stressing especially when I try so hard to do what she tells me and it doesnt seem to work, ALyssa is sdoing allot of grief work and some behavioral, and Zack is doing allot of behaviorial and some grief, she is going to be starting him on "rage" track, she has workbooks and exercises and the lot to try to help him through this, when asked to identify emotions on a chart he could only identify 1..anger.."how do you know its anger? she asked "I want to use my fists to hurt someone" he said..and he does, mainly alyssa and me, it hurts horriably physically yes but emotionally its devastating, he is BECOMEING his dad. DR. asked about our family mental illness history, clearly she already knows mine, and that clearly Mike was a depressed alcoholic, but before that...what?? I dont really know and his parents wont tell me anything, he was fine boy, just a boy..although clearly he was not to start binge drinking at age 12 and continue doing so until his death at 39...SOMETHING was going on...

anyway that doesnt seem like Im doing better does it??

well I am sorta..

I hadnt slept in 5 days...maybe a total of 8 hrs in total durning that time but last night ( thankgod) I slept for 3 hrs..then 2 more..then another 3...oh thats 8 yeah...in one day thats great I dont feel spectacular but I feel like maybe I can face the day...I saw S on tuesday, we talked allot ( as usual) she was a hard ass, but also let me cry ( as usual) and has emailed me everyday since then...numerous emails..I answer she responds...it goes on a while ( maybe I should get her on G-chat..lol) but shes been very good, she sent me a wonderful email last night I cant remember it all right now but i will right inmy journal, it was about "parenting is not about perfection, it is about doing what we can to ensure that our children know we love them, that we will always be there and take care of them, that sometimes showing our love means we have to raise our voices ( ie yell) to ensure thier safety, so they are able to learn that mom can love them and not love thier behavior, but whether or not I like thier behavior my love will never go away...That parenting is about molding our children into who they are meant to be not who we think they should be, that all we can do is show them and teach them our morals and values and hope that some of what we say sticks...parenting is not about perfection...it is about love."

I needed to hear that, I think part of my semi breakdown was/is due that I feel I failing miserably at being a single parent, I feel like I am failing them, that its all on me and Im not rising to the challange. The last few weeks have been filled with thoughts of relaspe ( no action just thoughts) I couldnt figure out why other then me saying well Im just fat...cop out.

Why am I thinking about relasping, I will tell you..because if I relaspe and I am sick and I am a less then par parent, it can be fixed with recovery, but if I am in recovery and I am still a lousy parent then I am just inept...and that feeling ...it feels so horriable...so horriable that I couldnt face my fear..but I feel like know I can..Im going to try, Im going to try to do this, all of it...

Its a bit better..not by much..but its a bit..and Im going to hold onto that, that today is a bit better, and today I can see a little hope..and thats all I can do....see the hope, and try to hold onto it.

Love, Tara

Yes he did..

2010-08-23T20:20:00.002-04:00

I said it.

I took it back

I was crying

she didnt know what i meant

but I did

and he did

he left us

he did

he chose to leave

and its a secret i know

and they dont

and it aches

it aches so much

they cant know

but i do

its not fair

none of it

my pain...thiers

it makes no difference

that I know

he did

he made the choice

yes he did

he left us

we are alone

and I hold the secret within me

and I am so

broken

Panicked

2010-08-23T07:28:00.002-04:00

Im so afraid, I can articulate the fear that is consuming me, I feel frozen, stuck, so scared...It hit me last night as I made dinner for the first time here, we sat we ate, I cleaned up and I froze, Im alone, I dont have partner. These children are my sole responsibility. I am responsible for all their needs, wants, happiness, It is I that buys and makes their food, pays the bills, takes them to appointments, plays with them, does their reading, holds them when they cry, comforts and disciplines. I am here ALONE. Its hitting me all over again, like a brand new hell. The loss of him feels greater then 3 days ago, I layed in bed and sobbed in grief, in fear, in panic...unable to even speak with a friend who has been thier 100% completely through this entire thing, I couldnt carry on a conversation. My blanket covered with tears and snot...I barely slept, and I am sat here under a (different) blanket shaking and trembling in fear...I was nervous but excited, now I am terrified, and I miss him so much, It feels so completely wrong to have moved to a new place and hes not here. I know they feel it to, I want to go home,I repeated that over an over again last night...the problem...I dont know where that is...all i know is my heart, it hurts and it wants to go home.

Tara

My new Pad :)

2010-08-22T08:53:00.003-04:00

okay so you all know me and pic posting dont go smoothly...my captions never come up under my pics...so lets play a game...I will post the pics and you figure out what pic is what room:)
1 is my Kitchen, 2 are of my boys chilaxing when they first woke up in our living room ( alyssa was still asleep), 1 is of my "work" space..hmmm is that my blog up there:), and there is one of well part of thier playroom...there are also 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms, but I dont feel like taking anymore pics, beside blogger only lets me post 5 at a time for some resaon...its probably me but oh well...okay now GUESS!!!

love, Tara