Im trying to keep this blog positive, I really truly am. But I am completely losing it.
My thoughts never stop.
Im on a constant Gerbil wheel of thoughts and they are not good.
I cant bare this pain.
what he was thinking...did he change his mind? was it to late? did he try to save himself? Did it hurt. what was he thinking in those 3 minutes it took to die?
Was he scared?
why did he do this?
Didnt he think of us? what this would do to us...to me??
I lay in bed and I cant get the thoughts to stop...
I am so fucking distraught and no one seems to get it...
you need to live your life Tara, Live your truth!
Fuck my Truth!
Fuck it all!
It hurt to much to eat....I feel to much when I eat..it hurts to much... I cant take it...
I want the bottom of the mountain...i know it..its familiar...it may not be safe...but right now i just dont fucking care...
just make it stop...some one please make it fucking stop
im sorry im sorry to you guys, im sorry to mike..im just fucking sorry
god i just cant take it
5 comments:
The other day I went through my blog and read my old entries, to look at the struggles I have been through and to gain courage for the future as I try to recover from my relapse.
Anyway, I saw this in one of your old blog posts and thought it might help you. It was the letter from Remuda (which is what attracted my attention, as I am going to Renfrew in May):
"Its not the acheing in your lungs or the burning in your lungs its the voice inside you that yells cant... but you dont listen you just push harder and you discover the person you thought you were is no match for the one you really are"
This is all still so fresh, and I think it's rediculous for people to expect you to "get on and live your life already." Grieving is a process, and a very long one at that...and everyone does it in their own way and in their own time. This isn't going to go away overnight...or in a month...or even a year. You may always have the questions you have now, and that's okay, but in time (your time - not when anyone else thinks it's time) the pain will lessen.
The hard part though is taking care of yourself in the process. Starving may numb the pain temporarily, but it's not a permanent solution. Hurting yourself won't bring him back or answer any your questions. At this point I don't think anyone should expect you to be thriving or living your truth...your truth is that your grieving...but you do need to keep yourself alive and healthy enough so that you can make it to that point eventually. Following a MP is hard, especially on top of everything you're dealing with, but it may be the best way to get through this.
It suck's but I'm playing the kids card. You have to stay strong for them. That means you can't give it.
I don't have words to express the sorrow for what you must be feeling. Those questions would be ..... well you know I can't even imagen.
Cyber Hug cause it's all I can do.
Ummm You know that text I told you I deleted on my fb message. It was some of the same questions you posted here.
Girl, I know you have every reason to be struggling right now. I want to fight for you. Don't you wish it was that easy? I'll fight for you. I know nothing can make this better for you. Grief is a process. Know that I love you!!!! Please don't quit!
you don't have to be positive (or negative)... just be you. allow yourself to feel these feelings honey because really, you cannot block them. i know it's all consuming and exhausting. you can bare it.. maybe only just.
unfortunately, there are questions that we will never know the answers :(
you don't want the bottom of the mountain babe, you just want a break. i hear you. and so you know, it is quite "normal" to be feeling like this around 6 weeks after the event. doesn't make it any easier but know it is part of the process that you are experiencing and it DOES pass. i may sound hypocritical considering my current state but there are good days ahead. right now you can't see them but i assure you, they will come.
have you spoken with S about how badly you are feeling? is a short IP stay an option for you?
Xx
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